Still trying to let go

It is the strangest thing....wanting to be in the will of God but not really wanting to trust that He knows best. Smh. Still wandering in the wilderness because I have refused to submit my will completely to Him. Still wanting to do things my way. Looking at what he may want for me with my nose turned up...because I don't like how its packaged. The contents aren't what I ordered.  It just plain ole ain't what I want. So what do you do at this point? I tried to pray it away, tried to ignore it, was rude to it, cussed it out, even tried to pawn it. To others it looks ideal, to me it looks like a lifetime of misery. Tried to give it away....didn't work, even tried to just leave it. What He has for us is for us...no matter what it feels like or looks like. If I had my way.....well lets just say I would have chosen differently. So now what do I do? Feeling like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place....what's next?  I even prayed that it would just leave me alone and then I couldn't be held accountable,  right? Wrong, lol. Oh well. Have to learn to submit my entire will unto Him, not just the parts I want him to handle. Gonna be a long ride...
Ask the Lord to replace that spirit of stubbornness with submission. Die to self, take up your cross and follow me. Oh boy!
Feeling trapped, stuck whatever you want to call it leaves you not wanting to pray, I still get in my word, but I can't seem to pray. I want my own piece of something...somewhere I can go and throw a tantrum and cry and just tell the Lord how unhappy I am, and maybe even be able to hear back from him. Ijs....my own quiet place for just me and my Daddy. Maybe then I can hear clearly what He's trying to tell me so He doesn't have to send word through other people. Ijs....Daddy I need a release! Physically and spiritually, help a sista out..

Giving up

I'm giving up.....I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being afraid. What am I giving up? I'm giving up my control to Jesus. He can have it. You would think that with my current station in life that I would have surrendered a long time ago. I guess I should clarify. I'm still trying to figure out the Lord's plan for me instead of letting Him do what He does. Not knowing mortifies me. It makes it harder to move forward. So I'm relinquishing the reigns.....they are doing me no good, because I have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
There are too many people involved at this point. Too many people depending on me. My children are watching to see what I'm going to do to get us out of this situation, but it is beyond my control. Apparently this is where the Lord wants us. So the best I can do for them is exercise faith. Show them how to completely rely on our Father in heaven. I thought I was doing a good job making it appear that everything was ok and that I believed the Lord would bring us out. I noticed however that everytime our Bishop calls me to her, she tells me to say, "God is real." I kept asking why she wants me to repeat that. I know He's real. I do....I know how He's kept my family and blessed us more times than I can count. So why does she make me repeat that? Then it dawned on me that maybe I've lost faith in the wilderness. So I figure I'd better go find the bush it fell under and keep it moving. I don't want to wander in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have only taken 2 weeks, lol. Ijs.
I don't want to die off so that my children can inherit the promised land. Oh boy! A revelation...it hasn't been a year since my moms death.......had no clue why He took her when He knew she was the only close family I had here in Indiana. Oh man.....well that just makes me feel worse, lol. Don't want my children wandering because of me. Sobering revelation.