The Word We Give Someone Else is For Us First

Attempting to keep up with this blog has proven to be a tad bit difficult. I am in a place where I am questioning the promises the Lord gave me. You see, my life has been one traumatic experience after another. The last one just ending a year ago. I have moments where I still question if what He said was really for me. So, I decided that I would recycle some messages He had given me while I was in the midst of my most recent storm. The problem with that is, you can convince yourself sometimes, after you've delivered the message that it no longer applies to you. That is so not true. These messages are just as relevant today as they were 3 years ago when He started giving them to me. These messages where for then to help me get through the storm and they are for such a time as this when my faith is beginning to waiver.
The Lord knows my commitment to Him. I have sacrificed and let go of so much to follow Him. I haven't gone back, I have no intention of going back, but sometimes.......sometimes I need to be reminded of my purpose. The very thing I despise to do, is the very thing He has called me to do. The very things I find difficult to do, He will use in a mighty way. My biggest obstacle in my journey is myself. People keep telling me to not grow weary in my well doing. That if I faint not......you know all of the "hold on" messages and the "you're so close to a breakthrough" quotes.
I feel like it took me an eternity to even realize my purpose. That I did the Jonah for far longer than I should have. I want to make up for lost time....and still I wait. His time is not our time always glides from someone's tongue as I check my watch over and over and peek out the window to see if the UPS man is coming to deliver my package. It seems as if I'll have to wait another eternity  before His promises are manifested in my life. Giving the enemy plenty of time and opportunity to whisper, "it's never going to happen," "it's taken so long it isn't even relevant anymore," "you're going to be one of those old women that are suppose to teach the younger women, except for the how to love their husbands part because you've never had one." The hurtful words and snickers are almost constant, ringing in my ear of all my failures. Using my "daddy issues" to remind me of all the seemingly broken promises from the Lord.
I said all of that to say. I had decided to fake it 'til I make it and post those old messages and I was stopped dead in my tracks. He had to remind me of where I was when I wrote them as opposed to where I am now. He had to remind me of who I use to be as opposed to who I am now. I figured the messages He gave me would help someone else while I attempt to refocus and get my mind right. When the truth is really that I just needed those simple reminders to get back on track. I will eventually post those messages, but for right now, I think I'll just focus on reconnecting with my Father. To get back to the time and place when He spoke to me mouth to mouth and I could hear Him as clear as if he were flesh and blood standing right next to me.
With anything in our ministries, as we go forth, it's for us first. He's using your past to save someone's future. So never forget, the things you see in other people were once a reflection of you and if the message you share with someone else doesn't cut you as well, you need to go back to the Father for a reevaluation; because the word we give someone else is for us first.

When "IT" was no longer enough

     Have you ever had an it that just didn't do it for you anymore? Without warning, without provocation, it just ceased to do whatever it was that it was supposed to do. You tried to increase doing it, maybe more of it would make it work again, but it didn't. You didn't ask for it to be removed, you hadn't prayed about it. It just stopped being it. Did you try to replace it with another it that just couldn't touch it? Was it a person, place or thing that was your it? Did you pick your it back up, despite the fact that it was no longer working, because it was familiar? Have mercy!
    That was the Lord removing something that you no longer needed. You didn't have to ask for it to be removed, it was just time for it to go. Whether it was drinking, cigarettes, marijuana, crack, cocaine, sex, homosexuality, a he or she. The Lord saw fit to remove it.
     I had several its, lol. The first it He removed was alcoholism. I was up to drinking a 5th of Remy V.S.O.P every two to three days. I would stop on the way home from work every other morning and grab that bottle. I justified it by saying that was the only way I could fall asleep after working midnights. I would also say, that I could be a pill popper like some of the other nurses I worked with. I was at the hospital for 8 years. I didn't stop drinking until two years before I left. So for 6 years, a 5th of Remy V.S.O.P. every couple of days. Why did it stop? I didn't ask for it to stop, I hadn't prayed about it, it was just time for it to go. Two years later, my kids father stopped being my it. I would pick him back up continuously because he was familiar. Those were my major it's that just ceased to be enough.
     Nope, I take that back. My mother was my it. My mother had my back through whatever. I relied on her heavily, she was all I had left in this God-forsaken city. All of my "friends" had moved away and I was stuck. It was just me, her and the kids. He took her. I am truly grateful that He stopped her pain, but in taking her He left me "alone." But what He revealed to me was that she was the final crutch that had to be removed before I fully depended on Him. She was my it and she was not enough to do what it was that He needed to be done in me. She had done her part. She brought me in the world, raised me as best she could, and now it was His turn. Death is final, I couldn't pick her back up. Truth be told, I almost didn't pick myself back up after losing her. We didn't have the best relationship and I low-key resented having to take care of her the way I did, but as I stated before she was all I had left up here.
     We hardly ever know why the Lord does what He does and even when He does grace us with an explanation, some times it still doesn't make sense. If you do recognize, however, the hand of the Lord moving, don't question it. Don't scream bloody murder, while having a death grip on it. Is that it more important that whatever the Lord has in store for you? He is not the author of fear! Being afraid to let a thing go is merely the result of us believing the lies the enemy whispers in our ear. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap of faith and trust the Lord will catch you. Not jumping to catch that thing though, because there is no telling where you may land chasing that thing. We all have had detours and obstacles, post-ponemnets (is that a word? lol) and disappointments mostly because it was too hard to let a thing go.
     When it, is no longer it, just let it go. The thing waiting to take it's place is far greater!

Still trying to let go

It is the strangest thing....wanting to be in the will of God but not really wanting to trust that He knows best. Smh. Still wandering in the wilderness because I have refused to submit my will completely to Him. Still wanting to do things my way. Looking at what he may want for me with my nose turned up...because I don't like how its packaged. The contents aren't what I ordered.  It just plain ole ain't what I want. So what do you do at this point? I tried to pray it away, tried to ignore it, was rude to it, cussed it out, even tried to pawn it. To others it looks ideal, to me it looks like a lifetime of misery. Tried to give it away....didn't work, even tried to just leave it. What He has for us is for us...no matter what it feels like or looks like. If I had my way.....well lets just say I would have chosen differently. So now what do I do? Feeling like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place....what's next?  I even prayed that it would just leave me alone and then I couldn't be held accountable,  right? Wrong, lol. Oh well. Have to learn to submit my entire will unto Him, not just the parts I want him to handle. Gonna be a long ride...
Ask the Lord to replace that spirit of stubbornness with submission. Die to self, take up your cross and follow me. Oh boy!
Feeling trapped, stuck whatever you want to call it leaves you not wanting to pray, I still get in my word, but I can't seem to pray. I want my own piece of something...somewhere I can go and throw a tantrum and cry and just tell the Lord how unhappy I am, and maybe even be able to hear back from him. Ijs....my own quiet place for just me and my Daddy. Maybe then I can hear clearly what He's trying to tell me so He doesn't have to send word through other people. Ijs....Daddy I need a release! Physically and spiritually, help a sista out..

Giving up

I'm giving up.....I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being afraid. What am I giving up? I'm giving up my control to Jesus. He can have it. You would think that with my current station in life that I would have surrendered a long time ago. I guess I should clarify. I'm still trying to figure out the Lord's plan for me instead of letting Him do what He does. Not knowing mortifies me. It makes it harder to move forward. So I'm relinquishing the reigns.....they are doing me no good, because I have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
There are too many people involved at this point. Too many people depending on me. My children are watching to see what I'm going to do to get us out of this situation, but it is beyond my control. Apparently this is where the Lord wants us. So the best I can do for them is exercise faith. Show them how to completely rely on our Father in heaven. I thought I was doing a good job making it appear that everything was ok and that I believed the Lord would bring us out. I noticed however that everytime our Bishop calls me to her, she tells me to say, "God is real." I kept asking why she wants me to repeat that. I know He's real. I do....I know how He's kept my family and blessed us more times than I can count. So why does she make me repeat that? Then it dawned on me that maybe I've lost faith in the wilderness. So I figure I'd better go find the bush it fell under and keep it moving. I don't want to wander in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have only taken 2 weeks, lol. Ijs.
I don't want to die off so that my children can inherit the promised land. Oh boy! A revelation...it hasn't been a year since my moms death.......had no clue why He took her when He knew she was the only close family I had here in Indiana. Oh man.....well that just makes me feel worse, lol. Don't want my children wandering because of me. Sobering revelation.