trying to organize chaos

It's quite disconcerting that my life has become so chaotic. Not in the normal definition of chaos, but enough for me to feel like i'm just adrift in this thing called life. Floating along just letting things happen with no control over anything.
I've tried several times to organize my life, to plan things, script it out and stick to it. The one thing that continues to hinder any progress is the fact that i work midnights. Scripting and planning things out just doesn't seem to work. Everything depends on the type of night I've had and if i slept before my shift began (which doesn't seem to happen often).
I feel like my children (all 4 of them) and I are missing out on so much because of my work schedule. I've always worked midnights since i became a nurse because of my children and taking care of my mother. Now that my mother has passed and my children are older, i assume its not necessary to work midnights, but it's all I know.
There are so many things i want to do. So many ideas the Lord has downloaded into me, i just don't have the energy or the time because of my schedule. I would really prefer not to work, lol, to pursue my dreams.....but that doesn't seem to be an option. Classes to teach, women's retreats and seminars to organize and host....all just seem like pipe dreams. It's a little depressing actually. I want to be more and do more, but don't know how or where to begin.
I remember asking the Lord, in prayer, one day why He allowed me to become a nurse. Especially on those nights that were so busy and emotionally or physically draining. Those nights when i was really ready to give up and quit. His response was...being a nurse was my training ground, boot camp if you will. That I had to learn to talk to people, to witness, to educate, to encourage, to pray for and not be ashamed. 💡Ah ha! I understood that. At the same time though, I was getting burned out. I needed a break. I was one of those nurses that never called off, never took a vacation, stayed over after a 12hr shift to help out if there was a crisis. I was so burned out. Then had to go home and care for my mom, running her to different doctors appointments or visiting her in whatever hospital she was in at the time. Not to mention, trying to raise for children, alone. It's depressing and tiring just writing it out.
Anyway! Now that she has left us and all my children are teenagers i feel like I've missed so much and they were deprived of so much. Yet! I have no clue how to even begin to fix it now and make the most of the years I have left of them being at home because I still work midnights and I'm still always tired.
I want to give them so much more and be so much more than the mom that just signs papers from school, hands them money for whatever event, and providing basic necessities. I'm afraid to quit my job as a nurse...showing how limited my faith is in the Master. Afraid that I won't be able to afford the bare necessities and survive on the ideas and talents he's given me.
To top all of that off, everyone seems to think that having a husband will solve all my woes. Well, my Adam list is so long and detailed I'm afraid he doesn't exist so I continue to operate as if he'll never show up.
Then I'm premenopausal, i just found out that insomnia is a symptom/ side effect. So the night sweats when i do finally sleep along with the just the down right inability to sleep most nights is driving me  to insanity! I need help! lol

Fighting a battle that is not mine.....depression and anxiety

In light of recent situations,  I have been forced to admit that I have a problem. 30 years in the making....nevertheless,  I refused to acknowledge it or claim it until it could no longer be denied. 2013 was not my best year. In july, my job was phased out. In august, my mom died. In october, my cat was mauled and died. In november, first the love of my life and I parted ways, then my father passed, last I had to move from my home because I was still unemployed and unemployment denied me. Deep breath.....how am I still able to function? The grace of God and my ability to push things aside and smile through it.
What I realized this year was that every thing really does happen for a reason.  We may not always understand but it's true. For a year I have been in this situation, not the best situation but better than it could have been. For a year I've been trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to deserve such a punishment and in the midst of it all the enemy started to speak. I could ignore it for a while, but it seemed he was hell bent on dragging me down. My current situation isn't ideal, several times I reverted to my old self preservation tactics; to turn so deeply into myself that the world doesn't exist. Unfortunately,  I'm not a child anymore. I have children that I feel still need my protection , lol. There was a week that I gave up, let the devil win. In that week that I succumbed, I realized how my mom became chronically depressed and could never come out. The Lord showed me her path to destruction and how I was destined to repeat it if I let the enemy win. So, I had to acknowledge that I have an issue. At times, I am a breath away from allowing depression to take over my life. I haven't seen anyone about it but in hindsight I recognize the symptoms; fatigue, insomnia, unexplainable physical pain, loss of appetite and weight loss.
It takes me back to my childhood when I was diagnosed with abdominal epilepsy. My doctor told me it was from internalizing everything. She told me that I had to find an outlet because internalizing would kill me. The symptoms I had then, the reason my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. ...I would revert into myself so deeply that I would zone out and was oblivious to the outside world and horrible, horrible stomach pains. My mother said she would call me a million times and shake me and I wouldn't come out. So its safe to say that I had a form of depression then, at the age of 9.
It followed me into my teenage years. That's when I began drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and being permiscuous. Using all those things to fill the chasm (void) that nothing ever did.  Enduring hurt after hurt, situation after situation with a smile. Never really dealing with any of it just taking note of the root of each of my issues.
Now, enter my adult years. I suppressed a multitude of things, never dealing with any of it. I am at max capacity and can feel that I'm bursting at the seams. How do you deal with a lifetime of issues. There are fragments,  bits and pieces scattered everywhere.....how do you put them all back together?
The answer is simple (or so they keep telling me)....it's Jesus. They tell me to give it all to him. I am still trying to figure out how to.do that and not pick it up again. I know he is the Ultimate Physician and the Great Comforter, I just can't for the life of me, let go of the past hurts and injustices done to me in my childhood and beyond.  Prayer helps, but just like the children on Isreal; how soon we forget once another situation arises.
So there is an internal struggle, daily. I don't talk to anyone about it, no one really knows what's going on. If they did, they couldn't help anyway, is how I feel. But I press on, I pray on, I smile on in hopes that the Lord would deliver me. The devil would have me believe that I am a failure, that the mistakes I've made put me in this place. While the Lord tells me I am chosen,  an heir, His daughter.
My life's mission is to help save our youth from the snares the devil has set for them. How to persevere and not let their environment or their situations dictate what they will become in life. How not to let the devil deter them from the path the Lord has set. It started with my own children....recognizing the same issues with them. Then as teenagers, bringing their wounded friends to hang out at my house. Me, trying to figure out why in the world do these children want to be around me, lol. Doing my best to encourage them and tell them my story (bits and pieces that is) to let them know they aren't alone and that they can make it through no matter what it looks like. Me, trying to figure out how I can truly help them when I am still damaged goods myself.
The Lord uses us in our mess....in whatever situations we may find ourselves in. He uses us so that others can benifit from our testimonies on how He brought us through. He uses us so that others will see our growth and how the Lord blesses obedience and leaning on him.
Be not discouraged if you are going through. Everything happens for a reason and only lasts a season. There are lessons to be learned in this down time, there are strengths that need to manifest and weaknesses that need to be uprooted. There are things we need to learn about ourselves so that we can better serve him through our understanding. Unfortunately,  us going through is not always for us either. Sometimes it's to help someone close to us or someone that is simply watching our walk. So be careful how you respond to your situations. You may lead someone else to stumble if you yourself do not hold on to God's unchanging hand, looking to the hills from which cometh your help.
Be blessed in this new year. Start it off with a spirit of expectancy that the Lord will do what He said He would do. Trust Him and have faith.

Still trying to let go

It is the strangest thing....wanting to be in the will of God but not really wanting to trust that He knows best. Smh. Still wandering in the wilderness because I have refused to submit my will completely to Him. Still wanting to do things my way. Looking at what he may want for me with my nose turned up...because I don't like how its packaged. The contents aren't what I ordered.  It just plain ole ain't what I want. So what do you do at this point? I tried to pray it away, tried to ignore it, was rude to it, cussed it out, even tried to pawn it. To others it looks ideal, to me it looks like a lifetime of misery. Tried to give it away....didn't work, even tried to just leave it. What He has for us is for us...no matter what it feels like or looks like. If I had my way.....well lets just say I would have chosen differently. So now what do I do? Feeling like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place....what's next?  I even prayed that it would just leave me alone and then I couldn't be held accountable,  right? Wrong, lol. Oh well. Have to learn to submit my entire will unto Him, not just the parts I want him to handle. Gonna be a long ride...
Ask the Lord to replace that spirit of stubbornness with submission. Die to self, take up your cross and follow me. Oh boy!
Feeling trapped, stuck whatever you want to call it leaves you not wanting to pray, I still get in my word, but I can't seem to pray. I want my own piece of something...somewhere I can go and throw a tantrum and cry and just tell the Lord how unhappy I am, and maybe even be able to hear back from him. Ijs....my own quiet place for just me and my Daddy. Maybe then I can hear clearly what He's trying to tell me so He doesn't have to send word through other people. Ijs....Daddy I need a release! Physically and spiritually, help a sista out..

Giving up

I'm giving up.....I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being afraid. What am I giving up? I'm giving up my control to Jesus. He can have it. You would think that with my current station in life that I would have surrendered a long time ago. I guess I should clarify. I'm still trying to figure out the Lord's plan for me instead of letting Him do what He does. Not knowing mortifies me. It makes it harder to move forward. So I'm relinquishing the reigns.....they are doing me no good, because I have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
There are too many people involved at this point. Too many people depending on me. My children are watching to see what I'm going to do to get us out of this situation, but it is beyond my control. Apparently this is where the Lord wants us. So the best I can do for them is exercise faith. Show them how to completely rely on our Father in heaven. I thought I was doing a good job making it appear that everything was ok and that I believed the Lord would bring us out. I noticed however that everytime our Bishop calls me to her, she tells me to say, "God is real." I kept asking why she wants me to repeat that. I know He's real. I do....I know how He's kept my family and blessed us more times than I can count. So why does she make me repeat that? Then it dawned on me that maybe I've lost faith in the wilderness. So I figure I'd better go find the bush it fell under and keep it moving. I don't want to wander in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have only taken 2 weeks, lol. Ijs.
I don't want to die off so that my children can inherit the promised land. Oh boy! A revelation...it hasn't been a year since my moms death.......had no clue why He took her when He knew she was the only close family I had here in Indiana. Oh man.....well that just makes me feel worse, lol. Don't want my children wandering because of me. Sobering revelation.

God is an awesome God

Written January 4,2014

    Church on Sunday was off the chain! Had I listened to the devil and stayed home, I would have missed the blessing and so would my children. So, I got dressed in clothes that barely fit ( lost 20 lbs during my short depression I will call it) my hair was just there and a somber attitude. There was no joy on Sunday,  even though I knew I was going to the house of the Lord.
      As per usual, I tried to contain the tears as praise and worship service goes forth. Testimonies and praises go forth and normally I can't contain my tears. I was being stubborn because I would have rather been in my bed but when I tried to lay back down I heard the Lord clear as day say, "GO!"  Praises were going forth and the prophetess sent for me. I took off my coat and approached the pulpit. What she told me broke the flood gates and the tears began to flow. She said the devil has done too much to you lately and now its time to stomp on his head. I really couldn't tell you what happened next because I don't really remember.  I just remember being on the floor sobbing uncontrollably,  thanking and praising God. When I was able, I rose to my feet and attempted to go to my seat. I was out of breath and woozy and I could not stop the tears.
       Not long after I took my seat the prophetess called my daughter. Oh and the things she told my baby, I knew it was no body but the Lord. My baby girl cried and praised and I sobbed uncontrollably yet again. As I sobbed I felt someone sit next to me and put their arms around me...it was my middle son Joshua and that made me sob even harder.
     Needless to say we had an awesome time in the Lord. My bff said, some chains were broken and thay my baby girl will never be the same. So monday morning she rose unbeknownst to me and took a shower. When the heat cycled off, I heard my daughter in the shower singing....the song playing was Nobody Greater. You have no idea what that did to my soul. My soul cried hallelujah!  I was on full all over again. Full of joy and pride and gratitude that the Lord saw fit to touch my baby and the chains that held her in bondage. She now knows that He truly loves her and that she has a purpose as one of His chosen.
    

Organization Bust

       Ok, now into day 4 of my organization challenge for myself......hmm. Have I stuck to the plan I originally set for myself....not so much. Have I cleaned the rooms on the days I originally planned to clean them....mmmm, not so much. Why? Well for starters, I've been cleaning what needs to be cleaned as it needs to be cleaned. Mostly my kitchen and the bathroom. In the mornings on school days, with four children, those two rooms are a wreck. TGIF! So with it being Friday, the kids can come home and clean up their own messes, lol. If I can stand it, I will leave everything right where they left it. 
       I will say, in the past two days I have gotten some crafting done. Have I cleaned up my crafting area......not so much, lol. I am pleased though that I got some type of mojo back. I even missed the season premiere of SCANDAL to craft. Yes! I did!  A little disappointed, but so proud of myself that I showed some restraint and finished some projects.
      A new week is around the corner, will I adhere to the goals I set for myself? I don't know. It seems that everything changes when I make plans. With the kids having all kinds of extracurricular activities, I can never plan out my time the way I would like. It's not as cut and dry as I would prefer it to be. Being a single parent doesn't help either. I have no one else to depend on. So one of them may need to be picked up at 5:30, another one will call and say "Hey ma! Practice is over at 5:45. Can you pick me up?" Well my 2 youngest are usually all ready at home, so do I pick one up and then go and sit and wait for 15 minutes for the other one, leaving my 10 year old and my 13 year old to their own devices? Usually what happens is (because it's happened before) If I'm not there to tell them that dinner is done or that dinner will be late, they come in and start fixing something else, so when it's time for dinner, they don't want to eat. Then! If I fall asleep early (because I don't have a set bed time, I usually just fall asleep on them) they are fixing something else to eat a few hours later and still haven't touched dinner. Very frustrating! Then I wake up to a kitchen that is in complete shambles and everyone is pointing the finger at everyone else as to who made the mess.
     So, my prayer is that we can get on some type of schedule or some people are going to start walking home, lol. Otherwise, my HOME MANAGEMENT BINDER was made for naught! I don't even know what works and what doesn't work in it because I can't stick to it. Lord help me, lol. 
     Well, a new week, another attempt...we'll see how it goes.

Organizing my distractions

Ok, so I realized that making time for blogging was at the bottom of my list of things to do. In my attempt to organize my life, it dawns on me that I actually have to make time to blog. If I really want to become an effective blogger that people read and take seriously, I actually have to plan and make time to do so. So I am currently attempting to organizing my life by making a home management binder. Man! That is an undertaking. Realizing all that really needs to be done that I hadn't been doing. It's a wonder my family got anything done. It just goes to show you that the Lord will work with you where you are. So, I don't know when I'll blog again as I undergo this organization transformation, but for anyone who reads this, just pray for me and my family.