Single All My Life

     Oh boy! Here we go....
     About to turn 42 and still single (gasp!).....and ok. How can that be? It just is. Let me tell you my story...maybe someone will understand, lol.
     My parents divorced when I was young. I promise I don't remember how old I was and neither of them are here for me to ask, but I remember the day they told us. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most devastating days of my life. Like most little girls, I dreamed of my prince charming, fashioned after my father because he was the greatest man alive, in my book. The divorce shattered my dream of perfect marriages and families. Of course, my Barbie's still got married and had children, but it was no longer a dream of mine.
     There was a combination of things that made me lose faith in men. My father was MIA for a good portion of my life and my mother "dated" the most unlikely, unseemly suspects that eventually disappointed her and broke her heart. Not to mention, breaking her spirit. From a young age, I decided that marriage was not for me. As I continued to grow up, the marriages that I was exposed to were just as disappointing. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe that marriage is perfect, but I just felt like there should be some happiness in there somewhere. Maybe I missed the happy years and I was left to watch the bitter years. All of my friends parents had divorced or were on their second or third marriages, still seemingly looking for the happiness every one believes comes with marriage, the happily ever after spoken of in fairytales.
     Then when I began "dating" the disappointments continued. Luckily for me, I took the good with the bad. I garnered what I could from each relationship and left the rest behind. Even in my teenage years, the Lord was revealing things to me about men and myself. The compounding of disappointments and hurt left me rather despondent and emotionally unavailable. I became a tad heartless and self-serving. The one thing I knew without a doubt though, was that marriage was/is sacred. I knew that the way I was made up, I was toxic. I knew that if I ever decided to get married, that man would be ripped apart by my words and my past. That was one of my excuses for never getting into serious relationships.  As an adult, I worked too much and didn't have the time to devote to a relationship and I was nowhere near ready to love someone the way they should be loved. Not to mention the fact that I thought the worst of every man and was mentally prepared to physically hurt any man that even though about trying to play me.
     Fortunately, the Lord gave me the sense to steer clear of relationships, to know my weaknesses and breaking points and took away the desire to even be in one. In my book I say he used my issue to keep me. He revealed to me that my commitment issues allowed Him to break down the walls I'd built as a result of all the damage my past had done. He knew that had I gotten married to the wrong man, I probably wasn't coming back to the light, lol. Thusly, He allowed me to stay single and I had resolved in my heart that I would remain single until Jesus came if that was His will and I was/am ok with that even now.
    But God! You know how He has a way of disrupting our plans, lol. I had truly planned to remain single. My children will all be out school in 4 more years, I'll be 46. In the meantime, I was going to get my RN so I could travel the world on someone else's dime, once they were all out of the house. Allowing my career to take me places I would not have been able to go otherwise...but God! The past couple of years have been a journey to healing and self discovery. Did I need healing? I didn't think so, because I was convinced I was going to be single and I was good with my issues, lol. No one else was going to be subjected to me and my issues. Slowly, He started demolishing the wall I had built to keep people out. It was turning into rubble and I was unaware, lol. Piece by piece, issue by issue it came down.  Most of the time, I'm telling you I didn't even feel it. Other times it was like a band aid being ripped off.
     It was quite simple too. It started with short messages, like inspirational devotionals to keep me encouraged because I was going through. Those lead to my deeper curiosity of my purpose, because I was well aware of the gifts He had given me, I just never knew which ones he would use or how. I kept writing and after maybe 5 or 6 of them, they began to tell a story. They began to take this winding turn to a certain destination, which at the time I was still unsure of. What I did know, however, was that God had a plan for me and I needed only be obedient. It lead me through losing friends, family members, jobs, vehicles, being homeless, and almost to the point of giving up.  Yet here I stand, in the ash and rubble of the old me and my old life, stronger and wiser. Looking forward to my next.
     What was especially shocking was that fact that I, me, this woman right here was not destined to be single like I thought or planned. At one point I was excited and on fire about that thing, but I have to be honest. Old fears and insecurities started to creep in. Especially after having been engaged for a few months. A big mistake prompted by pressure from those around me. I allowed the enemy to play with my mind and remind me of who I use to be. He would bring ex's into my life and allow us to reminisce on the good ole days......until I got to thinking that the bad days outweighed the good days or we'd still be together. He tried to use the temptation of physical satisfaction, lol, as bait to make me go back. What the enemy hadn't realized was that the Lord had delivered me from that. He didn't realize that the Lord had purged me of that need for physical contact.
     I've known since I can remember, what my issues are and their origin. My need for physical contact was actually a defense mechanism. I used it for selfish reasons and at the same time using it to keep men from getting close, from getting to see me and my brokenness. I had made it pretty far in life having people believe I had it all together, that I wasn't broken. People believed that I was a strong woman with a good career, raising pretty decent children alone, and taking care of an ailing mother. That I had made it through my childhood unscathed. That was so not the case. Once the Lord started me on this journey, I no longer needed to keep people at bay or get instant gratification from men. He became all I needed. So, I laughed at the enemy...I still laugh at the enemy when he sends certain temptations my way. I must say, though, the words that these men spoke reflected some of the things I'd said in the past. Questioning who would take care of me since my life was dedicated to taking care of others. Their offers were so tempting, but I knew deep down that they weren't for me. Not saying they weren't good guys, just not the guys for me. I am so beyond those temptations. I have turned my attention to who I am in Christ and His plan for my life.
     In the process, He gave me the inspiration to write my book. In times past, I wanted to write a book that was totally opposite of this one. It was directed towards single women but for more carnal and selfish gain. It wasn't for helping women spiritually. So I am so excited about this book. I pray that it will help a lot of women in whatever stage of singleness they are in. This book is for any single woman, struggling with being single. It is geared towards helping us find wholeness and happiness in our singleness. How can we be happy with someone else when we aren't happy with ourselves?
    He allowed me to expose my brokenness and my vulnerabilities in order to help other women, regardless of what people may say or think. Truth be told, I've never given a care what people thought about me, but my need for privacy was the issue. Yea, I could tell people my story but of course we keep certain details to ourselves. He had me bare my soul in order to help someone else. He told me clear as day, that His daughters are lost. We are lost in this corrupt society where sexuality and unattainable outward appearances drive us to be inauthentic. We are not who He made us to be and it grieves Him. He wants to use my story to help restore some of His daughters to their rightful place in Him. He wants to heal them and thus give them the desires of their heart according to His purpose, because don't get it twisted; our lives were bought with a price and thusly must be returned to Him in service and love.
    So, join me on this journey of restoration. Join me in this journey of healing and revelation.

Fear of vulnerability and transparency

     Let me just start by saying, I've been pretty hardcore my whole life.  My grandmother use to tell me that whatever came up didn't have to come out. I didn't sugar coat stuff to spare people, I always felt like complete honesty was always best. I saw crying as a weakness. It didn't solve anything and it always gave me a headache. Until......
     As God broke down my walls. those were the first bricks to come down. Everything makes me cry. It wasn't that I didn't empathize with people or I wasn't compassionate, I just wasn't as sensitive as I should/could have been. Now, I feel like I'm hyper sensitive. I still don't like showing emotion but when I hear someone's story of how they overcame, a testimony of how the Lord blessed or delivered them, I get a little teary eyed, lol.  I have realized that when the Holy Spirit has or is moving, I get a chill and tears instantly form. It was a little nerve wracking at first. I'm still not completely comfortable with it, but I can't stop it.
     I said all of that to say, that doing kingdom work, you can't be afraid of being vulnerable or being transparent. That most humiliating or embarrassing issue you had may be exactly what someone else needs to hear to be delivered. Writing my story has made me more vulnerable than ever. My transparency about the old me will bless someone else. So it is with the Lord's work. Every catastrophe or horrible situation you've encountered was meant for someone else. If you made it through and are stronger for it, it was meant to help someone else make it through. You never know how your story can pull someone from the brink of giving up completely. Your light may be the very thing that brings someone out of the darkness.
     Like I said, I don't care what anyone thinks about the old me because as scripture says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things," 1 Corinthians 13:11. I'm not the old me and there is nothing you can say to make me feel ashamed or guilty, no more than the enemy did to keep me in my sin. Growing up doesn't always mean just stepping up to the plate and handling your business. It also means, accepting the past for what it was and leaving it behind. It doesn't mean forget, because we all know some Christians that seemed to have forgotten all their sins before they gave their lives to the Lord. And! Unfortunately, they don't share their story with anyone to help deliver them, they would rather gossip and point fingers and judge and condemn. I found that to be the case in my childhood church, one of the reasons I could no longer attend.
     Here I am however, having been a single mother raising 4 children alone, taking care of my mother for years, taking care of other peoples loved ones as a profession, and not needing a man to complete me. My Father supplied all of our needs despite my history and all my sins. Here I am, a vessel, unclean and sinful, still being used for His glory despite what people said and thought. God is awesome! My prayer is only that we all help the person next to us, when given the opportunity. You never know what someone else is struggling with or has been through.
     Take stock in what you have and give thanks for how the Lord delivered you, then do it for the next person. What can it hurt? Your pride? How other people look at you? The only thing that truly matters is what the Lord thinks of you. No one on earth has a heaven or hell to place you in, so walk boldly in the face of the nay sayers and haters and do what the Lord has placed in your heart. "Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord," Jeremiah 1:8

Single in Christ and OK

          Once again I have been placed in a situation to witness and teach, I suppose. Being a nurse, I'm always surrounded by women of all walks of life, in all stages of life. I have yet to meet one that is truly happy. We all have our back stories that no one knows until we share it. Sometimes you can know things about people just through their behaviors and actions but that is just speculation until they themselves reveal it or the Holy Spirit. It's difficult to deal with people sometimes even when you know their story, but that is where prayer and patience come in.
     I said all of that to say, that most of the women I encounter are single and unhappy. Some single by choice, some single and actively looking, or recently single. My best friend who is a pastor told me recently that I have mastered being single. What does that mean? I enjoy being by myself. I enjoy my me time. I know how to be with myself and I genuinely like who I am. I don't need someone to validate me or make me feel special or take care of me. My Father who is in heaven has done all of that and has given me the means to take care of myself. My job is people based, I see and deal with people all the time, so I don't need to be with someone when I get home. Truth be told, I hate crowds. I HATE shopping. I truly despise dealing with the public at large, they are rude and inconsiderate. They are always in your personal space.
     Am I an introvert? No, actually I can be either an introvert or extravert, BUT! I enjoy quiet spaces and time to myself more. Thusly, being single is not an issue for me. Besides, I have teenagers that keep me occupied. With them around, I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
     With that being said, it was not difficult for the Lord to converse with me. I don't have the distractions that most women have; either married or just in a relationship. As I said, I have teenagers and you know, teenagers are rarely at home. So, I enjoy my me time, my me and my Father time. When you sit still and listen, you can hear so much. For those women that struggle with purpose and identity...you only need to sit still. The problems of the world will always be there...the answers to them all resides in our Father. You have to sit still long enough so He can whisper them to you.
      So, being a single, Christian woman means what? Looks like what? There is a scripture in the Bible that says, An unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7: 34. It's not bad to want to be married, but your priority is with your family (world). When you are single, you can concentrate on those things that please the Lord. Things like, being healed from your past. He wants that for us. Like finding your purpose in the kingdom. Allowing Him to reveal or strengthen your gifts and talents. Allowing Him to reveal your future in Him.....
     It's not easy to be single when you have no purpose or direction, but when you spend time with the Lord He'll give you what you need until it's your time. This time looks different for every woman depending on what your purpose is in the kingdom. It depends on your vocation or career. It depends on the plan He has for you and believe me, He has a plan for every woman. In some religions or even just in the collective secular mindset, it is believed that woman have no real role in the body of Christ or that our roles are specifically to serve and take care of. Not so! There are so many holes in the body that can be filled by women.
    A woman in the body can have several roles. In the word is says that older women should teach the younger women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed; Titus 2:4-5. That should be a given. The older women should be examples to the younger women. In todays society, the younger women are not learning how to be women, how to be wives, how to be mothers. The body needs more Christian examples of what a Christian woman should be. Yes, women are teachers, but women can also be preachers, apostles, evangelists, and prophets not just deaconess' or missionaries. It's all according to God's plan for that particular woman, not what any man, tradition, or doctrine has to say.
    So, if you are a single woman, stop worrying about the cares of the world and focus on Jesus Christ our savior. Concern yourself only with what He has to say about you and to you. When this mindset has been adopted, the desires to be married or in a relationship diminish greatly. There are so many things we as women have endured and been subjected to. Allow the Lord to heal you before He sends your Adam. Don't place the burden of making you feel whole or giving you an identity by giving you his last name to a man. He is only human and will disappoint you. He may even walk away if you put that burden on him. The only man capable of making you whole, removing those things that you are ashamed of, and healing your heart, is Jesus Christ. Take this time to get to know Him and allow Him to be your man, because no one can take care of you like He can.
     Once you have allowed Him to work on you, He will reveal to you the true nature of marriage. He will reveal to you what your marriage is purposed to do and accomplish in the kingdom. It's nothing like you thought, nothing like you've seen. Marriage is not a selfish endeavor meant to give us the physical and mental gratification we desire, that is just a byproduct. Marriage was created to serve the Kingdom as well. It was designed to give God the Glory and point others in the direction of the cross and our savior who died there for us. Joy, peace and happiness come with being obedient and doing kingdom work.
     You have to seek Him out with all your heart, mind and soul and He will reveal the mysteries of heaven to you. Be content with where you are or you will not be content when you get whatever it is you're asking for. I saw a quote that said, " Don't ask the Lord for something else when you aren't content with what you have." Those are words to live by. Every place in time, every situation, every season has a purpose....be content and learn whatever it is He has for you in that time.
     Your next will be greater!

My Book

Happy New Year!!!    


As of November 28, 2016, I completed the Nanowrimo challenge. 50,000+ words of a novel that was divinely inspired. Yet, it's still not complete. I was given the charge to write my story in the hopes that it would help deliver someone else. My story is not pretty, it was no fairytale. It was truly a nightmare, but God delivered me. That's all I can say. He delivered me from the bondage of sin and I am truly grateful. It was not an easy task writing my life out. It opened up old wounds, it laid bare my soul and every fault. At the same time, in peeling back the layers, he was healing me, taking away the shame and guilt, preparing me for what's next.
     Despite the love He has poured out on me, despite the validation He's given me, despite the awesome message He has entrusted me to share I still feel inadequate and unworthy. It seems we hide behind so many things to hide our fears. I procrastinate when I'm afraid of the outcome or just don't want to face whatever it is. I distract myself with silly time consuming games or I find a new book to read, to keep from doing what I know I should be doing. OR! I hide behind lack of knowledge or understanding to post-pone the inevitable.
     Well! It's a new year. In order for my dreams to be realized, I have to stop hiding, being distracted, and ignorant. I have to realign myself with my Heavenly Father. There are so many things that He has placed down on the inside of me that need to come out. I am truly excited about it, but at the same time I am terrified. Like most messengers of the Bible I am constantly asking, "Lord, who am I?", attempting to get my Jonah on, lol.
     The 6 months it took me to write my book, I was on fire! Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I still believed what the Lord told me, I just didn't believe it was for me. Earlier this year, I said yes. I told the Lord I was ready to answer His call to ministry. As a lifelong Christian, (meaning I'm no baby saint, I'm not new to this) I knew the attacks would come. If you don't believe that the enemy will rise up against you the very moment you take a step towards the Lord, you are delusional. He hit me right where he knew he could get me the hardest. It wasn't my children, I have no other family in the city, my truck still runs, we still have a roof over our heads....but he attacked in the place where I spend most of my time. He attacked where I had been planting spiritual seeds. He attacked me at work.
     Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a nurse and I work midnights. Well, originally, I worked midnights during the week and evenings on my weekend. In working those evenings every other weekend I encountered a lot of people who were seeking the Lord. They may not have known it, but they were. Our conversations almost always lead back to the Lord. Most of them raised by God-fearing grandmothers, but lost their way once they became adults. From co-workers to residents and their families, the Lord was always the topic of conversation. Well, I was quickly switched to a different unit and went straight midnights without my input. My manager took it upon herself to just shift everything without a heads up or anything.
     Where I am now, I have way more patients than where I was and I usually work by myself. So, I have been isolated. I have no one to really talk to about anything. I usually work four midnights in a row with ONE day off and then three more midnights. When my weekend off comes, I am exhausted.  Not to mention the fact that I can't sleep. If it isn't my neighbors dogs barking me out of my sleep (because they are sequestered right under my window) or the Holy Spirit just being like Hey! So, going to church has been a struggle. I haven't been to church in probably 4 or 5 months. I find myself angry or upset all the time. I've found myself cursing a lot more. This change in my situation has assisted me in returning to my old man. Essentially, killing any witness I may have had. That makes me even angrier.
     So, I have been out of alignment for several months now. I can't even muster up the strength or desire to pray, except the prayer I pray before I leave my driveway or grace before I eat. Right now, it is so difficult to focus long enough to pray. As soon as I start, my mind starts to wander to the point that I forget what I was even doing. How can I be a minister and can't even pray? How can I minister if I've allowed the enemy to take hold of my mind? How can I be an effective witness when all people are getting to see is the old me?
     So, my book is about waiting for my Adam. The entire book is about my life and how the Lord kept me and transformed me so I'd be ready for His most awesome and perfect gift He could give any of us...a helpmeet. Somewhere towards the end of the book, I got discouraged. There was such a urgency as He revealed things to me, they just had to be written down. When I got close to the end, I realized that there was no ending because I hadn't met my Adam, (which is why the book is not complete). How can you write a book that has no ending. Now for most writers that just means a sequel, for me it meant that I still wasn't ready for this wonderful blessing. Which hurts spiritually. I thought I was strong enough to withstand the snares of the enemy, but I wasn't. I thought that by being obedient and writing the book, things would move expeditiously. That wasn't the case. When I wasn't obsessing over who my Adam may be, I was obsessing over when and where I would meet him. I do that, it's my thing. I have to question and analyze everything. which I think gets me in more trouble, though as I always say, the Lord knows His children. He made me this way, lol.
    I guess this post is long enough. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have way more to talk about tomorrow.
                                                                                                                     Be blessed!

Walking in faith takes strength

          Walking in faith takes strength. A massive amount of strength. Walking into the unknown is a scary thing. You're constantly looking over your shoulder, you'd swear you see things moving in the shadows, and because the path ahead is not well lit you doubt if you're headed in the right direction at all. Having lost my job on July 1st, 2013, I was thrust into darkness. I thought I knew where I was going and what I was supposed to do. Not so, said the Lord. For two years, I was in the wilderness. The canopy of trees allowed no sunlight to enter. From homelessness to bouts of deep depression, I was going through. Miraculously, the Lord was still with me. It didn't feel good and I didn't like how long it was taking but He was still there. In my bouts of depression (which I've come to believe He allowed) He would reveal things to me. Things from my past that I didn't understand and couldn't make sense of as a child. He gave me encouraging messages. He had me to the point where I could only depend on Him. Having lost both my earthly mother and father, He was the only parent I had and He wanted me to know that He was all I needed. 
          At the beginning of this year He allowed me to come out. I'm not completely out, but almost there. He still had/has some things He needed to show me. Some things in me that He had to change and rearrange.  It's been an amazing ride and I'm not even the same person I was 8 months ago when He finally brought me out from among them (the nay-sayers, and negative people that were hindering my walk). I went from loathing the idea of marriage to almost desiring to be in that sacred institution with my Adam. I went from wanting to be a medic (you know, patch 'em up and send them back out) in God's army to wanting to be part of the infantry (on the front lines). In 8 short months, I've realized my purpose and how it will manifest in my life. For years, I wondered what my purpose was.  I struggled with what my life meant in the big scheme of things. In 8 months though, He showed me that my horrible childhood has a purpose. That the very things I fought the hardest against will be what I fight for the hardest for. God is awesome!
          They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to accept that my life was crap just so I could help someone else, but you know what.....I'm glad I went through and made it out. There are plenty of teenagers going through what I went through and I'm honored that the Lord trusts me enough to help them. It's frustrating sometimes and it's hard to deal with the emotions that arise, but it's all worth it.
          The scripture says in 1Peter 1:10, But the God of grace, who has called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. We only have to suffer a little while. It may seem like an eternity to us, but it doesn't compare to the blessing of eternal life for believing in Him, trusting Him, being obedient to Him, and loving Him. Hold on my brothers and sisters. Troubles don't last always. I can say it now, but when I was going through it felt like it was one tragedy after the next and I didn't think I could hold on. I kept asking, how much longer Lord? Haven't I suffered enough? He died on Calvary for us. He endure the whipping, the spear in His side, the crown of thorns, and the nails in His hands and feet so that we would have the victory over everything the devil would throw at us. Hold on, a change is gonna come.
          This is the season of revelation and restoration. All we have to do is hold on and have faith. I am a witness to God's mercy and grace and his unconditional love. He has healed wounds that I thought would never heal. He has given me a new outlook on life and I am excited. Do I get discouraged sometimes? Of course I do. Does it seem like the process is taking to long, that I'll never fully walk into what He called me to do? Certainly! But I stay in the word, I stay in His presence and I know that everything that comes my way now is only because I am so close and the devil wants me to feel defeated and like God isn't listening and doesn't love me. I rebuke satan at every turn and I press on. Looking forward to the day that His promises to me come to fruition.
          I pray that all of my brothers and sisters just hold on, open their hearts and minds to what God has in store so we can march boldly, arm in arm into battle. Faith takes strength. Your tests and trials have given you that strength. Just tap into it and stop looking at the circumstances right now. There is a bigger picture that this time in your life is only but a small part of. Trust our Father in heaven and move with the strength He has given you! You are stronger than you think!

No Child Left Behind....

We have to do better with our youth. They are falling by the wayside, being trampled by life,  kicked, strangled and murdered by the devil.. Everyting they see, hear and even taste is perverted. They need to be better equipped for this battle, not by us just beating them but by telling them how to fight. Showing them how to fight. Telling them the consequences of the path they are choosing to take and sharing our own battles as teenagers. They believe we don't understand because we don't share out of shame or the fact that we are still carrying the guilt. There is healing in helping someone else with your testimony. Dragging them to church every saturday or sunday is all well and good, but make it real for them. Explain to them why they need to be there. I didn't really understand how to have a relationship with Christ. They just tell you you need to have one. They tell you to cast all your cares on HIm because He cares for you, well how do i do that? How do I have faith in something I don't understand? That was me as a teenager. Most of the teens in the church are only there because we make them go. They go through the motions with no real connection to the Creator.They have no real understanding of who God is, how to access Him, how or why to believe in Him.
Be that adult that they turn to when they have questions. Stop letting them turn to this currupt world for comfort and someone to understand them. The devil has taken them captive mentally, it's time for us to take them back!
Will they still choose to learn some things the hard way? Of course they will, but we can't give up on them. Will they still do some stuff that we disapprove of? Of course they will, but we can't belittle them and make them feel stupid. God didn't give up on us. The devil will do enough to make them feel worthless. Our relationship with our youth should reflect our relationship with Christ. Is He not our Father and our best friend? Does He not ask that we bring everything to Him and still chastise us when we disobey? IJS
Raising up a child in the way he should go means equip them for the battle...mind, body, and soul. The battle is intensifying and is directed at our youth. If he can take them out now, he won't have to fight them later. We, as vets in this war, need to train the new recuits with wisdom, discipline, and love. No child left behind....
As a parent, I have always been up front and honest with my children. I never sugar-coated my past. Some may frown upon that, but I needed them to know that I had been where they were. I never wanted them to think that I didn't understand and that they couldn't talk to me. Now, with 3 teenage boys and a 20 year old daughter, there is nothing they won't share with me. Do they keep some things to themselves, I'm sure, but for the most part they tell me everything. Some things, as a parent, I don't want to hear, but because I opened the door I have to stand by my word and be there to listen.
In my head, I'm praying for strength, but on the outside I'm the strong, confident woman they have come to know and love. Then I give the best advice based on the Word, including my own life experience and the outcome that could transpire good or bad. I've taken that approach with my children's friends as well. They know they can come to me about anything. I don't want any child to feel like they don't have anyone to talk to.
I don't want any child including mine to feel like they don't matter, like no one cares or loves them. I know what it feels like to feel so alone that life isn't worth living., By the grace of God, however, I'm still standing. The devil couldn't have me, because the Lord had a plan for my life. So much sometimes it's overwhelming, but I refused to give up then and I refuse to give up now. I refuse to give up on these kids......no child left behind. Any and every child I come in contact with will know that someone understands and loves them.....no child left behind.

It get's better

I found myself weeping uncontrollably yesterday from watching a woman's impromptu performance with a street performer. I could not figure out what the waterworks were about until I spoke with my best friend later that evening. I was trying to listen to the woman's voice because the title said, a random woman with a good voice joins the reggae busker singing three little birds. It wasn't until I spoke with my bff, that I realized it was the words that I wasn't even paying attention to. "Every little thing is gonna be alright". Then I turned around and watched Jessica Reedy sing Better at The Potter's House. My daughter introduced me to the song as she played it all the time and it became one of my favorites. So, I click on the pic in YouTube and she began to moan out the most heartfelt, gut wrenching, sincere version of this song. It's easy to hear a song on the radio or Pandora, but it's an entirely different thing to see the person sing it live. That song blessed me so! At some point, I will tell what my storm looked like over the past 3 years, but just know that that woman and that song had my bawling and wailing, giving thanks to God on my front porch.

You know Paul says, I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound in Phillipians 4:12.

I had never been abased as an adult, I had for the most part been blessed to abound. I thought it was because I had endured the torture of my childhood, that I was finally being rewarded for holding on. Little did I know that even more calamity was about to strike. For three years, I went through. From being homeless to suffering from the generational curse of depression. The Lord took me through, but He also brought me out. That song spoke volumes to me and when she started sharing her testimony through the song, I couldn't not relate. I couldn't not respond in praise. It does get better..it really does. Am I where I want to be? Of course not, but I'm not where I was and I'm not going to stay here either. The Lord said, "Be still and know that I am God". He needed that time from me. He needed those three long years from me, because I could no longer run. I had every excuse in the book why I couldn't sit still and listen to Him, to ignore my calling and the things that I knew He had planted in me.

My abound, was equivalent to "hood rich". I had a decent vehicle, a decent house, a good job, but in my tiny human brain I thought that was enough. I knew I wasn't able to travel or do the things I wanted to do with the kids, but my life as it was was all I could imagine it could be. I didn't know that in my Father it could have been so much more. Now unto Him that is able to exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. ephesians 3:20. I had no power because I wouldn't let him in. I was powerless because I was leaning unto my own understanding. He needed me to see the fault in my thinking, to prove to me that He is who He says he is, and to set me on the path to my purpose.

I struggled so long with finding my purpose. After all that I had been through, I could not find the beauty in it at all. I could not figure out why the Lord would want to use me after all I'd done and had been through. It's amazing how you can run from a thing that you're actually looking for, but God in all His mercy waited patiently for me. In my Jonah-like excursion, however, I was still asking pertinent questions. Questions that lead me to His word even if I didn't visit His house. questions that some He answered and some He did not. Some He answered in the form of a deep revelation. Some He answered in a word from a friend. None the less, He was with me the entire time. It's only been in recent months that He revealed to me the purpose of my storm when He had finally brought me out from amongst the distractions and the nay sayers. Of course, He revealed things in the midst  of the valley, but it was on the mountainside that He began to put it all together.

I had been asking the right questions, I just didn't sit still long enough to see the answer. I have to say see because, He wasn't speaking to me per se. When I sat at the bottom of the mountain that seemed impossible to climb and I felt like I couldn't hear his voice, He was still instructing me. I was still writing and creating. There is something about being able to look up at the sky when you're at your lowest because once you start to soar things don't look quite the same. He showed me how I was climbing the mountain and didn't even realize it. He showed me that once I stopped focusing on the mountain, I automatically started to move. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that He allowed me to stop and look down at where I had started. I'm not at the top by any means, not even halfway there, but I'm definitely no longer at the bottom. He showed me the stitches in my wounds that were healing nicely, He showed me a picture of a heart no longer broken. I still need x-rays daily, to show me the things that still need work. Though my heart is not broken, it is still needs filtering, a spiritual dialysis is you will to continuously cleanse what passes through it. It's a painful and tedious task, it makes you want to just give up sometimes, but it's necessary for growth. He wants to get the best out of us, so He purges those things and people that hinder growth. He removes those character flaws that don't reflect Him

So I am looking to the hills from which commeth my help. Always looking up because I know with every new level I reach there is going to be something great waiting for me. Even if there is some bad there as well, I am well equipped to handle it with my Father having gone before me and walking by my side as I go through.