Single All My Life

     Oh boy! Here we go....
     About to turn 42 and still single (gasp!).....and ok. How can that be? It just is. Let me tell you my story...maybe someone will understand, lol.
     My parents divorced when I was young. I promise I don't remember how old I was and neither of them are here for me to ask, but I remember the day they told us. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most devastating days of my life. Like most little girls, I dreamed of my prince charming, fashioned after my father because he was the greatest man alive, in my book. The divorce shattered my dream of perfect marriages and families. Of course, my Barbie's still got married and had children, but it was no longer a dream of mine.
     There was a combination of things that made me lose faith in men. My father was MIA for a good portion of my life and my mother "dated" the most unlikely, unseemly suspects that eventually disappointed her and broke her heart. Not to mention, breaking her spirit. From a young age, I decided that marriage was not for me. As I continued to grow up, the marriages that I was exposed to were just as disappointing. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe that marriage is perfect, but I just felt like there should be some happiness in there somewhere. Maybe I missed the happy years and I was left to watch the bitter years. All of my friends parents had divorced or were on their second or third marriages, still seemingly looking for the happiness every one believes comes with marriage, the happily ever after spoken of in fairytales.
     Then when I began "dating" the disappointments continued. Luckily for me, I took the good with the bad. I garnered what I could from each relationship and left the rest behind. Even in my teenage years, the Lord was revealing things to me about men and myself. The compounding of disappointments and hurt left me rather despondent and emotionally unavailable. I became a tad heartless and self-serving. The one thing I knew without a doubt though, was that marriage was/is sacred. I knew that the way I was made up, I was toxic. I knew that if I ever decided to get married, that man would be ripped apart by my words and my past. That was one of my excuses for never getting into serious relationships.  As an adult, I worked too much and didn't have the time to devote to a relationship and I was nowhere near ready to love someone the way they should be loved. Not to mention the fact that I thought the worst of every man and was mentally prepared to physically hurt any man that even though about trying to play me.
     Fortunately, the Lord gave me the sense to steer clear of relationships, to know my weaknesses and breaking points and took away the desire to even be in one. In my book I say he used my issue to keep me. He revealed to me that my commitment issues allowed Him to break down the walls I'd built as a result of all the damage my past had done. He knew that had I gotten married to the wrong man, I probably wasn't coming back to the light, lol. Thusly, He allowed me to stay single and I had resolved in my heart that I would remain single until Jesus came if that was His will and I was/am ok with that even now.
    But God! You know how He has a way of disrupting our plans, lol. I had truly planned to remain single. My children will all be out school in 4 more years, I'll be 46. In the meantime, I was going to get my RN so I could travel the world on someone else's dime, once they were all out of the house. Allowing my career to take me places I would not have been able to go otherwise...but God! The past couple of years have been a journey to healing and self discovery. Did I need healing? I didn't think so, because I was convinced I was going to be single and I was good with my issues, lol. No one else was going to be subjected to me and my issues. Slowly, He started demolishing the wall I had built to keep people out. It was turning into rubble and I was unaware, lol. Piece by piece, issue by issue it came down.  Most of the time, I'm telling you I didn't even feel it. Other times it was like a band aid being ripped off.
     It was quite simple too. It started with short messages, like inspirational devotionals to keep me encouraged because I was going through. Those lead to my deeper curiosity of my purpose, because I was well aware of the gifts He had given me, I just never knew which ones he would use or how. I kept writing and after maybe 5 or 6 of them, they began to tell a story. They began to take this winding turn to a certain destination, which at the time I was still unsure of. What I did know, however, was that God had a plan for me and I needed only be obedient. It lead me through losing friends, family members, jobs, vehicles, being homeless, and almost to the point of giving up.  Yet here I stand, in the ash and rubble of the old me and my old life, stronger and wiser. Looking forward to my next.
     What was especially shocking was that fact that I, me, this woman right here was not destined to be single like I thought or planned. At one point I was excited and on fire about that thing, but I have to be honest. Old fears and insecurities started to creep in. Especially after having been engaged for a few months. A big mistake prompted by pressure from those around me. I allowed the enemy to play with my mind and remind me of who I use to be. He would bring ex's into my life and allow us to reminisce on the good ole days......until I got to thinking that the bad days outweighed the good days or we'd still be together. He tried to use the temptation of physical satisfaction, lol, as bait to make me go back. What the enemy hadn't realized was that the Lord had delivered me from that. He didn't realize that the Lord had purged me of that need for physical contact.
     I've known since I can remember, what my issues are and their origin. My need for physical contact was actually a defense mechanism. I used it for selfish reasons and at the same time using it to keep men from getting close, from getting to see me and my brokenness. I had made it pretty far in life having people believe I had it all together, that I wasn't broken. People believed that I was a strong woman with a good career, raising pretty decent children alone, and taking care of an ailing mother. That I had made it through my childhood unscathed. That was so not the case. Once the Lord started me on this journey, I no longer needed to keep people at bay or get instant gratification from men. He became all I needed. So, I laughed at the enemy...I still laugh at the enemy when he sends certain temptations my way. I must say, though, the words that these men spoke reflected some of the things I'd said in the past. Questioning who would take care of me since my life was dedicated to taking care of others. Their offers were so tempting, but I knew deep down that they weren't for me. Not saying they weren't good guys, just not the guys for me. I am so beyond those temptations. I have turned my attention to who I am in Christ and His plan for my life.
     In the process, He gave me the inspiration to write my book. In times past, I wanted to write a book that was totally opposite of this one. It was directed towards single women but for more carnal and selfish gain. It wasn't for helping women spiritually. So I am so excited about this book. I pray that it will help a lot of women in whatever stage of singleness they are in. This book is for any single woman, struggling with being single. It is geared towards helping us find wholeness and happiness in our singleness. How can we be happy with someone else when we aren't happy with ourselves?
    He allowed me to expose my brokenness and my vulnerabilities in order to help other women, regardless of what people may say or think. Truth be told, I've never given a care what people thought about me, but my need for privacy was the issue. Yea, I could tell people my story but of course we keep certain details to ourselves. He had me bare my soul in order to help someone else. He told me clear as day, that His daughters are lost. We are lost in this corrupt society where sexuality and unattainable outward appearances drive us to be inauthentic. We are not who He made us to be and it grieves Him. He wants to use my story to help restore some of His daughters to their rightful place in Him. He wants to heal them and thus give them the desires of their heart according to His purpose, because don't get it twisted; our lives were bought with a price and thusly must be returned to Him in service and love.
    So, join me on this journey of restoration. Join me in this journey of healing and revelation.