Let me tell you! There are moments when being single really, really sucks! When all of your friends are married. Don't get it twisted, I'm not hating by any means. I am happy for each and every one of them. The issue is, and call me selfish if you wanna, they are no longer available to be my friend. I get the whole marriage thing, please believe me, I understand, but we can no longer be the friends we use to be when you've now married who you deem to be your new BFF.
In the word, Paul talks about the difference between a virgin and a married woman. A virgin has more time to devote to kingdom work. A married woman cares more for the world and how to please her husband. How does that relate to friendship? A single friend has more time to hang out and talk. When you need them, they are more available. A married friend, now has a family and a spouse to devote their time to. Have you ever had that friend that calls you but can't talk because they are talking to everyone else in the background? Or you text them and tell them specifically to call you when they have time. That means when you have time to listen to me, give me a call. Yet, they call you in between doing things and are constantly telling you to hold on or that they will call you back every 5 seconds. Or when they call you, that thing you wanted to share with them isn't relevant because whatever is going on with them becomes the topic of conversation.
Once again, no hate intended. My friends at this point in my life are ministers. so when I call, its because I had a revelation I want to share, because I have a question, or I want to bounce an idea off of someone before I finalize a message. I don't really have life things going on. The Lord has me in such a place that the world almost doesn't exist outside of work and home and I'm ok with that, but when something does happen, I want to be able to share it or call and say hey pray for me. Here lately, that has not been the case. Have you ever felt like your friendship makes you the mistress, lol? Like they can only talk to you when the spouse isn't around in order to be able to have a real conversation, and even that has diminished quite a bit. Now of course, we know things change when people get married. It's not hate, it's just time to find new, single friends. Not just any friends though. I need friends whose lives are rooted in the Lord. I don't want to have meaningless conversations about nothing. I don't want to hear about your baby daddy/mama drama. I don't want to hear about your social media beef...I am so past that.
I have realized again, that I am at another point in my life where the Lord is purging me. I realize that this about to be another season in my life where things fall off. This is a season in my life where He needs me to depend solely on Him. In order to do what it is He wants me to do, I have to be isolated so I can hear directly from Him. He wants me to talk to Him about everything. He wants all of the things we think are too trivial to Him, He wants every aspect of our lives. Being alone in my singleness has an entirely different meaning for me. Does it get lonely, do I feel lonely? Sometimes and not at all. When I spend time with Him and do what it is He wants me to do, there is no room for loneliness and I'm not alone.
Yes, He put in us the desire to be with someone else, but we have to have a relationship with Him first. Just like children, we build a relationship with our parents as we grow. We learn from them and spend most of our lives with them. Once we are old enough or are mature enough, then we can go out into the world and utilize those things that we learned; good or bad. Our Father, the Creator is no different. If we go to Him as children, He can teach us all the stuff we didn't learn as children or He breaks down the wrong things we learned and then replaces it with all the right stuff. IF! If you make time to spend with Him. In order to meet my Adam, I have to stop talking to someone else's. Whew!
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Self Diagnosis vs World Diagnosis
Now, self diagnosis is not a bad thing as long as there is confirmation, divine confirmation. How do you get divine confirmation? You ask for it. During those moments when you spend time with your Father and you ask Him to reveal those things in you that are not pleasing to Him and fix them. When you ask Him to search your heart. Of course He knows your issues and their origins, but He needs you to realize them so you can release them to Him. The important part is to release them. I held on to mine for years. I used them as excuses not to receive everything the Lord had for me, probably including my Adam. This journey is about releasing all those things that hinder you from being the best you in Christ.
When I was younger I use to think that being a Christian was boring. Being raised SDA, there was so much we couldn't do, so I refused to give in completely. Everyone I looked at that was older just seemed like the most boring people in the world. The things they would come up for us to do just seemed like the lamest things ever. I was young, in my preteen and teen years. So I chose to live a double life. I was (for the most part) and angel at church and a hellion in the street, because the things your friends are doing just seem so much more fun than what the church was doing. I was tired of being called the church girl because I couldn't do anything from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. You know, when all of the dances, all of the games at school, all of the house parties took place on Friday night. I wanted to be normal, according to the worlds definition of normal.
From an early age, I had been having dreams and visions that would come true. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn't know anyone else that had that "gift," not that shared it with anyone else anyway. So, I carried this burden as a child. If/when I shared it, no one believed me or they dismissed me because I was a child. The first time was the death of my great grandmother. I can't explain how I knew she had passed but I knew. The only adult that was present was my mother's brother who was a skeptic about everything, lol. I said two simple words, "she's gone." I couldn't explain how I knew, I just did. He asked me how I knew and I was just like I just do. Of course, he dismissed it like I didn't know what I was talking about, but sure enough she was gone. From then on, I pretty much kept my visions to myself.
Oh Man! The Holy Spirit just revealed something to me. Thank you Lord. There was a point in my early childhood, I believe 9 years old, that I would go into these deep trance like states. It would make my mother so angry because she thought I was just ignoring her. I talk about it more in detail in my book, but the Holy Spirit just revealed to me that those were the times that He would download things into me and help me resolve some of the things I had been through. Whew! It really explains a lot. It explains why people believed I was much stronger than I was. If He was taking the majority of my pain, pouring into me and showing me things, it makes sense that I'm still standing and didn't commit suicide like the enemy tried to convince me to. God is so good! Which also explains why I've always known my issues and kept the venomous spirit I carried from infecting anyone else.
I know some of this stuff sounds far fetched. Had I not developed a deeper relationship with my Father I probably would have given someone else the side eye had they tried to tell me some of this stuff. But I tell you, when you go deeper in the Lord, He reveals so much. Results may vary though, because everyone is not capable of the depths that some others can go. Or, they weren't meant to go as deep as others. So don't base your results on anyone else's journey, just focus on yours.
World diagnosis....that is a whole different beast. World diagnosis is detrimental to some peoples life. I don't doubt that there are some therapist, psychologists and psychiatrist that can actually help people, but they couldn't help me, lol. For years people tried to get me to see someone. "You need someone to talk to." Little did they know. I journaled daily, the Lord heard my every cry, every day. Me and the Lord had a thing, even when I didn't want a thing with Him, lol. Of course you don't realize it until much later in life, but He was there the entire time. But world diagnosis can kill people literally and/or spiritually. Prescribed medication alters mental function and opens a gateway for things far worse than what the meds are suppose to help, which is also another story for a different time.
World diagnosis never gets to the root of an issue and if it does it doesn't teach you or tell you how to uproot it. How do you get over it, past it? Because it comes from a worldly view, it hardly ever points you to Jesus. Sometimes, even in church, it doesn't teach you HOW to leave your issues at the alter. Yes, everyone has a cross to bear, but the strength to do so only comes from one place. We can not do it in our own strength. When you press into the Lord and seek Him, He will show you what and He will uproot it if you allow Him to.
All the self help books will only get you excited, it will not fix you. The problem begins with the title of this genre of books.....SELF help. If you are a child of God, you know that you can not do it alone. It may appear at times in life, that we are doing it on our own, but guess what! There are only two ways to get the things that we have; we can be agents for the enemy that promises nothing but wealth, popularity, and earthly things, but can not promise you eternal life like being obedient to the Father does. IJS!
Anyway, don't let the world diagnose your ailments. Stop googling your symptoms trying to find homeopathic remedies to cure your spiritual ailments, just open your Bible and seek the Creator. He knew what your ailments would be and only He has the cure!
When I was younger I use to think that being a Christian was boring. Being raised SDA, there was so much we couldn't do, so I refused to give in completely. Everyone I looked at that was older just seemed like the most boring people in the world. The things they would come up for us to do just seemed like the lamest things ever. I was young, in my preteen and teen years. So I chose to live a double life. I was (for the most part) and angel at church and a hellion in the street, because the things your friends are doing just seem so much more fun than what the church was doing. I was tired of being called the church girl because I couldn't do anything from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. You know, when all of the dances, all of the games at school, all of the house parties took place on Friday night. I wanted to be normal, according to the worlds definition of normal.
From an early age, I had been having dreams and visions that would come true. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn't know anyone else that had that "gift," not that shared it with anyone else anyway. So, I carried this burden as a child. If/when I shared it, no one believed me or they dismissed me because I was a child. The first time was the death of my great grandmother. I can't explain how I knew she had passed but I knew. The only adult that was present was my mother's brother who was a skeptic about everything, lol. I said two simple words, "she's gone." I couldn't explain how I knew, I just did. He asked me how I knew and I was just like I just do. Of course, he dismissed it like I didn't know what I was talking about, but sure enough she was gone. From then on, I pretty much kept my visions to myself.
Oh Man! The Holy Spirit just revealed something to me. Thank you Lord. There was a point in my early childhood, I believe 9 years old, that I would go into these deep trance like states. It would make my mother so angry because she thought I was just ignoring her. I talk about it more in detail in my book, but the Holy Spirit just revealed to me that those were the times that He would download things into me and help me resolve some of the things I had been through. Whew! It really explains a lot. It explains why people believed I was much stronger than I was. If He was taking the majority of my pain, pouring into me and showing me things, it makes sense that I'm still standing and didn't commit suicide like the enemy tried to convince me to. God is so good! Which also explains why I've always known my issues and kept the venomous spirit I carried from infecting anyone else.
I know some of this stuff sounds far fetched. Had I not developed a deeper relationship with my Father I probably would have given someone else the side eye had they tried to tell me some of this stuff. But I tell you, when you go deeper in the Lord, He reveals so much. Results may vary though, because everyone is not capable of the depths that some others can go. Or, they weren't meant to go as deep as others. So don't base your results on anyone else's journey, just focus on yours.
World diagnosis....that is a whole different beast. World diagnosis is detrimental to some peoples life. I don't doubt that there are some therapist, psychologists and psychiatrist that can actually help people, but they couldn't help me, lol. For years people tried to get me to see someone. "You need someone to talk to." Little did they know. I journaled daily, the Lord heard my every cry, every day. Me and the Lord had a thing, even when I didn't want a thing with Him, lol. Of course you don't realize it until much later in life, but He was there the entire time. But world diagnosis can kill people literally and/or spiritually. Prescribed medication alters mental function and opens a gateway for things far worse than what the meds are suppose to help, which is also another story for a different time.
World diagnosis never gets to the root of an issue and if it does it doesn't teach you or tell you how to uproot it. How do you get over it, past it? Because it comes from a worldly view, it hardly ever points you to Jesus. Sometimes, even in church, it doesn't teach you HOW to leave your issues at the alter. Yes, everyone has a cross to bear, but the strength to do so only comes from one place. We can not do it in our own strength. When you press into the Lord and seek Him, He will show you what and He will uproot it if you allow Him to.
All the self help books will only get you excited, it will not fix you. The problem begins with the title of this genre of books.....SELF help. If you are a child of God, you know that you can not do it alone. It may appear at times in life, that we are doing it on our own, but guess what! There are only two ways to get the things that we have; we can be agents for the enemy that promises nothing but wealth, popularity, and earthly things, but can not promise you eternal life like being obedient to the Father does. IJS!
Anyway, don't let the world diagnose your ailments. Stop googling your symptoms trying to find homeopathic remedies to cure your spiritual ailments, just open your Bible and seek the Creator. He knew what your ailments would be and only He has the cure!
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Lies of the enemy
The enemy has a plethora of lies he tells us on a daily. The greatest lies are those he tells to single women. Anything and everything he can say or do to keep you from your Adam. To those who have been raped or molested or promiscuous, you're dirty and unworthy of love. To those from broken homes, orphaned or adopted, no one will ever love you. To single mother's, this is the best you will ever get. To women who grew up in abusive homes, he doesn't love you if it doesn't hurt. To women raised by single mother's, you don't need a man they're good for nothing anyway. Sooooooo many lies that we fall for, missing out on the greatest gift our Father wants to give us.
As adults we've become good at adapting and surviving, because our pasts dictated that we do so. We've become shells of who we could have been as women. If he can't handle me (my attitude and neuroticism), he's weak. I'm an independent woman, I can't be submissive. Submission is for weak women. No man is going to run over me. I can do everything a man can do, I don't need a man.
I will be the first to tell you, they are all lies! I use to believe them myself. My claim to fame was my independence, being raised by a single mother. I took on the lie because I watched my mother in one bad relationship after the other and decided, I didn't need them. I am a strong black woman, handling mine. I don't need a man. I can fix my own car, fix a leaky pipe, hook up the DVD player, and pay the bills. What do I need a man for? The enemy fights just as hard to keep people single as he does to break up marriages.
Something to think about. Outside of the Sabbath, the Lord blessed and sanctified marriage. Right after He created the universe He ordained marriage. It obviously was important. Keep in mind, the Lord knew how things would unfold. He knew the enemy would deceive Eve and it would cause a rift between men and women for generations. How many times have you heard men say if it weren't for Eve, there would've been no sin? Little do they no....but that's a whole different story for a different time, lol. The enemy has been fighting to break up marriages from the beginning. And if we take into consideration the comparison of God's relationship with us being His bride, it makes sense (to me anyway, lol). The enemy pulls out all the stops to keep us from meeting our bridegroom when He comes back. Never the less, He ordained it anyway. He knew the power that two would have. Where two or three are gathered in my name, there will I be also. He abides in marriage, especially those He ordained and are about His business.
If you prescribe to any brand of deceit, , I emplore you to seek the Father. These lies have hindered us from being our best and receiving the best. These lies have caused the highest rate of depression in women which according to medicine, correlates with heart attacks being one of the top killers of women. Women were not made to carry the weight of their world on their shoulders. Call it what you will, but He Himself said that it is not good for man to be alone. After giving Adam this beautiful garden full of everything he could imagine to eat, he filled it with every creature great and small to occupy his time, yet He knew that it was not be enough. Being three in one in society today is called dissociative personality disorder, schizophrenia, and some other unsavory names which all stem from the enemy as well. So! He couldn't make us exactly like Him, but what He did do was put pieces of Himself into each of us. Not all the same stuff, but when placed with the right "ONE," can have a supernatural affect on the world and the fight between good and evil.
So tell those voices in your head, every time you look in the mirror, that say you don't deserve to be happy, that you are unlovable, that you aren't pretty enough, that you are too fat or too skinny to get behind you. Because you were made in the image of our Father you are more than enough and when you allow Him in to heal your heart, tear down strongholds, and renew your mind; you will be invincible and not of your own volition. You won't have to do anything with your own strength except love the Lord and be obedient, He will do the rest.
As adults we've become good at adapting and surviving, because our pasts dictated that we do so. We've become shells of who we could have been as women. If he can't handle me (my attitude and neuroticism), he's weak. I'm an independent woman, I can't be submissive. Submission is for weak women. No man is going to run over me. I can do everything a man can do, I don't need a man.
I will be the first to tell you, they are all lies! I use to believe them myself. My claim to fame was my independence, being raised by a single mother. I took on the lie because I watched my mother in one bad relationship after the other and decided, I didn't need them. I am a strong black woman, handling mine. I don't need a man. I can fix my own car, fix a leaky pipe, hook up the DVD player, and pay the bills. What do I need a man for? The enemy fights just as hard to keep people single as he does to break up marriages.
Something to think about. Outside of the Sabbath, the Lord blessed and sanctified marriage. Right after He created the universe He ordained marriage. It obviously was important. Keep in mind, the Lord knew how things would unfold. He knew the enemy would deceive Eve and it would cause a rift between men and women for generations. How many times have you heard men say if it weren't for Eve, there would've been no sin? Little do they no....but that's a whole different story for a different time, lol. The enemy has been fighting to break up marriages from the beginning. And if we take into consideration the comparison of God's relationship with us being His bride, it makes sense (to me anyway, lol). The enemy pulls out all the stops to keep us from meeting our bridegroom when He comes back. Never the less, He ordained it anyway. He knew the power that two would have. Where two or three are gathered in my name, there will I be also. He abides in marriage, especially those He ordained and are about His business.
If you prescribe to any brand of deceit, , I emplore you to seek the Father. These lies have hindered us from being our best and receiving the best. These lies have caused the highest rate of depression in women which according to medicine, correlates with heart attacks being one of the top killers of women. Women were not made to carry the weight of their world on their shoulders. Call it what you will, but He Himself said that it is not good for man to be alone. After giving Adam this beautiful garden full of everything he could imagine to eat, he filled it with every creature great and small to occupy his time, yet He knew that it was not be enough. Being three in one in society today is called dissociative personality disorder, schizophrenia, and some other unsavory names which all stem from the enemy as well. So! He couldn't make us exactly like Him, but what He did do was put pieces of Himself into each of us. Not all the same stuff, but when placed with the right "ONE," can have a supernatural affect on the world and the fight between good and evil.
So tell those voices in your head, every time you look in the mirror, that say you don't deserve to be happy, that you are unlovable, that you aren't pretty enough, that you are too fat or too skinny to get behind you. Because you were made in the image of our Father you are more than enough and when you allow Him in to heal your heart, tear down strongholds, and renew your mind; you will be invincible and not of your own volition. You won't have to do anything with your own strength except love the Lord and be obedient, He will do the rest.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Single All My Life
Oh boy! Here we go....
About to turn 42 and still single (gasp!).....and ok. How can that be? It just is. Let me tell you my story...maybe someone will understand, lol.
My parents divorced when I was young. I promise I don't remember how old I was and neither of them are here for me to ask, but I remember the day they told us. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most devastating days of my life. Like most little girls, I dreamed of my prince charming, fashioned after my father because he was the greatest man alive, in my book. The divorce shattered my dream of perfect marriages and families. Of course, my Barbie's still got married and had children, but it was no longer a dream of mine.
There was a combination of things that made me lose faith in men. My father was MIA for a good portion of my life and my mother "dated" the most unlikely, unseemly suspects that eventually disappointed her and broke her heart. Not to mention, breaking her spirit. From a young age, I decided that marriage was not for me. As I continued to grow up, the marriages that I was exposed to were just as disappointing. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe that marriage is perfect, but I just felt like there should be some happiness in there somewhere. Maybe I missed the happy years and I was left to watch the bitter years. All of my friends parents had divorced or were on their second or third marriages, still seemingly looking for the happiness every one believes comes with marriage, the happily ever after spoken of in fairytales.
Then when I began "dating" the disappointments continued. Luckily for me, I took the good with the bad. I garnered what I could from each relationship and left the rest behind. Even in my teenage years, the Lord was revealing things to me about men and myself. The compounding of disappointments and hurt left me rather despondent and emotionally unavailable. I became a tad heartless and self-serving. The one thing I knew without a doubt though, was that marriage was/is sacred. I knew that the way I was made up, I was toxic. I knew that if I ever decided to get married, that man would be ripped apart by my words and my past. That was one of my excuses for never getting into serious relationships. As an adult, I worked too much and didn't have the time to devote to a relationship and I was nowhere near ready to love someone the way they should be loved. Not to mention the fact that I thought the worst of every man and was mentally prepared to physically hurt any man that even though about trying to play me.
Fortunately, the Lord gave me the sense to steer clear of relationships, to know my weaknesses and breaking points and took away the desire to even be in one. In my book I say he used my issue to keep me. He revealed to me that my commitment issues allowed Him to break down the walls I'd built as a result of all the damage my past had done. He knew that had I gotten married to the wrong man, I probably wasn't coming back to the light, lol. Thusly, He allowed me to stay single and I had resolved in my heart that I would remain single until Jesus came if that was His will and I was/am ok with that even now.
But God! You know how He has a way of disrupting our plans, lol. I had truly planned to remain single. My children will all be out school in 4 more years, I'll be 46. In the meantime, I was going to get my RN so I could travel the world on someone else's dime, once they were all out of the house. Allowing my career to take me places I would not have been able to go otherwise...but God! The past couple of years have been a journey to healing and self discovery. Did I need healing? I didn't think so, because I was convinced I was going to be single and I was good with my issues, lol. No one else was going to be subjected to me and my issues. Slowly, He started demolishing the wall I had built to keep people out. It was turning into rubble and I was unaware, lol. Piece by piece, issue by issue it came down. Most of the time, I'm telling you I didn't even feel it. Other times it was like a band aid being ripped off.
It was quite simple too. It started with short messages, like inspirational devotionals to keep me encouraged because I was going through. Those lead to my deeper curiosity of my purpose, because I was well aware of the gifts He had given me, I just never knew which ones he would use or how. I kept writing and after maybe 5 or 6 of them, they began to tell a story. They began to take this winding turn to a certain destination, which at the time I was still unsure of. What I did know, however, was that God had a plan for me and I needed only be obedient. It lead me through losing friends, family members, jobs, vehicles, being homeless, and almost to the point of giving up. Yet here I stand, in the ash and rubble of the old me and my old life, stronger and wiser. Looking forward to my next.
What was especially shocking was that fact that I, me, this woman right here was not destined to be single like I thought or planned. At one point I was excited and on fire about that thing, but I have to be honest. Old fears and insecurities started to creep in. Especially after having been engaged for a few months. A big mistake prompted by pressure from those around me. I allowed the enemy to play with my mind and remind me of who I use to be. He would bring ex's into my life and allow us to reminisce on the good ole days......until I got to thinking that the bad days outweighed the good days or we'd still be together. He tried to use the temptation of physical satisfaction, lol, as bait to make me go back. What the enemy hadn't realized was that the Lord had delivered me from that. He didn't realize that the Lord had purged me of that need for physical contact.
I've known since I can remember, what my issues are and their origin. My need for physical contact was actually a defense mechanism. I used it for selfish reasons and at the same time using it to keep men from getting close, from getting to see me and my brokenness. I had made it pretty far in life having people believe I had it all together, that I wasn't broken. People believed that I was a strong woman with a good career, raising pretty decent children alone, and taking care of an ailing mother. That I had made it through my childhood unscathed. That was so not the case. Once the Lord started me on this journey, I no longer needed to keep people at bay or get instant gratification from men. He became all I needed. So, I laughed at the enemy...I still laugh at the enemy when he sends certain temptations my way. I must say, though, the words that these men spoke reflected some of the things I'd said in the past. Questioning who would take care of me since my life was dedicated to taking care of others. Their offers were so tempting, but I knew deep down that they weren't for me. Not saying they weren't good guys, just not the guys for me. I am so beyond those temptations. I have turned my attention to who I am in Christ and His plan for my life.
In the process, He gave me the inspiration to write my book. In times past, I wanted to write a book that was totally opposite of this one. It was directed towards single women but for more carnal and selfish gain. It wasn't for helping women spiritually. So I am so excited about this book. I pray that it will help a lot of women in whatever stage of singleness they are in. This book is for any single woman, struggling with being single. It is geared towards helping us find wholeness and happiness in our singleness. How can we be happy with someone else when we aren't happy with ourselves?
He allowed me to expose my brokenness and my vulnerabilities in order to help other women, regardless of what people may say or think. Truth be told, I've never given a care what people thought about me, but my need for privacy was the issue. Yea, I could tell people my story but of course we keep certain details to ourselves. He had me bare my soul in order to help someone else. He told me clear as day, that His daughters are lost. We are lost in this corrupt society where sexuality and unattainable outward appearances drive us to be inauthentic. We are not who He made us to be and it grieves Him. He wants to use my story to help restore some of His daughters to their rightful place in Him. He wants to heal them and thus give them the desires of their heart according to His purpose, because don't get it twisted; our lives were bought with a price and thusly must be returned to Him in service and love.
So, join me on this journey of restoration. Join me in this journey of healing and revelation.
About to turn 42 and still single (gasp!).....and ok. How can that be? It just is. Let me tell you my story...maybe someone will understand, lol.
My parents divorced when I was young. I promise I don't remember how old I was and neither of them are here for me to ask, but I remember the day they told us. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most devastating days of my life. Like most little girls, I dreamed of my prince charming, fashioned after my father because he was the greatest man alive, in my book. The divorce shattered my dream of perfect marriages and families. Of course, my Barbie's still got married and had children, but it was no longer a dream of mine.
There was a combination of things that made me lose faith in men. My father was MIA for a good portion of my life and my mother "dated" the most unlikely, unseemly suspects that eventually disappointed her and broke her heart. Not to mention, breaking her spirit. From a young age, I decided that marriage was not for me. As I continued to grow up, the marriages that I was exposed to were just as disappointing. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe that marriage is perfect, but I just felt like there should be some happiness in there somewhere. Maybe I missed the happy years and I was left to watch the bitter years. All of my friends parents had divorced or were on their second or third marriages, still seemingly looking for the happiness every one believes comes with marriage, the happily ever after spoken of in fairytales.
Then when I began "dating" the disappointments continued. Luckily for me, I took the good with the bad. I garnered what I could from each relationship and left the rest behind. Even in my teenage years, the Lord was revealing things to me about men and myself. The compounding of disappointments and hurt left me rather despondent and emotionally unavailable. I became a tad heartless and self-serving. The one thing I knew without a doubt though, was that marriage was/is sacred. I knew that the way I was made up, I was toxic. I knew that if I ever decided to get married, that man would be ripped apart by my words and my past. That was one of my excuses for never getting into serious relationships. As an adult, I worked too much and didn't have the time to devote to a relationship and I was nowhere near ready to love someone the way they should be loved. Not to mention the fact that I thought the worst of every man and was mentally prepared to physically hurt any man that even though about trying to play me.
Fortunately, the Lord gave me the sense to steer clear of relationships, to know my weaknesses and breaking points and took away the desire to even be in one. In my book I say he used my issue to keep me. He revealed to me that my commitment issues allowed Him to break down the walls I'd built as a result of all the damage my past had done. He knew that had I gotten married to the wrong man, I probably wasn't coming back to the light, lol. Thusly, He allowed me to stay single and I had resolved in my heart that I would remain single until Jesus came if that was His will and I was/am ok with that even now.
But God! You know how He has a way of disrupting our plans, lol. I had truly planned to remain single. My children will all be out school in 4 more years, I'll be 46. In the meantime, I was going to get my RN so I could travel the world on someone else's dime, once they were all out of the house. Allowing my career to take me places I would not have been able to go otherwise...but God! The past couple of years have been a journey to healing and self discovery. Did I need healing? I didn't think so, because I was convinced I was going to be single and I was good with my issues, lol. No one else was going to be subjected to me and my issues. Slowly, He started demolishing the wall I had built to keep people out. It was turning into rubble and I was unaware, lol. Piece by piece, issue by issue it came down. Most of the time, I'm telling you I didn't even feel it. Other times it was like a band aid being ripped off.
It was quite simple too. It started with short messages, like inspirational devotionals to keep me encouraged because I was going through. Those lead to my deeper curiosity of my purpose, because I was well aware of the gifts He had given me, I just never knew which ones he would use or how. I kept writing and after maybe 5 or 6 of them, they began to tell a story. They began to take this winding turn to a certain destination, which at the time I was still unsure of. What I did know, however, was that God had a plan for me and I needed only be obedient. It lead me through losing friends, family members, jobs, vehicles, being homeless, and almost to the point of giving up. Yet here I stand, in the ash and rubble of the old me and my old life, stronger and wiser. Looking forward to my next.
What was especially shocking was that fact that I, me, this woman right here was not destined to be single like I thought or planned. At one point I was excited and on fire about that thing, but I have to be honest. Old fears and insecurities started to creep in. Especially after having been engaged for a few months. A big mistake prompted by pressure from those around me. I allowed the enemy to play with my mind and remind me of who I use to be. He would bring ex's into my life and allow us to reminisce on the good ole days......until I got to thinking that the bad days outweighed the good days or we'd still be together. He tried to use the temptation of physical satisfaction, lol, as bait to make me go back. What the enemy hadn't realized was that the Lord had delivered me from that. He didn't realize that the Lord had purged me of that need for physical contact.
I've known since I can remember, what my issues are and their origin. My need for physical contact was actually a defense mechanism. I used it for selfish reasons and at the same time using it to keep men from getting close, from getting to see me and my brokenness. I had made it pretty far in life having people believe I had it all together, that I wasn't broken. People believed that I was a strong woman with a good career, raising pretty decent children alone, and taking care of an ailing mother. That I had made it through my childhood unscathed. That was so not the case. Once the Lord started me on this journey, I no longer needed to keep people at bay or get instant gratification from men. He became all I needed. So, I laughed at the enemy...I still laugh at the enemy when he sends certain temptations my way. I must say, though, the words that these men spoke reflected some of the things I'd said in the past. Questioning who would take care of me since my life was dedicated to taking care of others. Their offers were so tempting, but I knew deep down that they weren't for me. Not saying they weren't good guys, just not the guys for me. I am so beyond those temptations. I have turned my attention to who I am in Christ and His plan for my life.
In the process, He gave me the inspiration to write my book. In times past, I wanted to write a book that was totally opposite of this one. It was directed towards single women but for more carnal and selfish gain. It wasn't for helping women spiritually. So I am so excited about this book. I pray that it will help a lot of women in whatever stage of singleness they are in. This book is for any single woman, struggling with being single. It is geared towards helping us find wholeness and happiness in our singleness. How can we be happy with someone else when we aren't happy with ourselves?
He allowed me to expose my brokenness and my vulnerabilities in order to help other women, regardless of what people may say or think. Truth be told, I've never given a care what people thought about me, but my need for privacy was the issue. Yea, I could tell people my story but of course we keep certain details to ourselves. He had me bare my soul in order to help someone else. He told me clear as day, that His daughters are lost. We are lost in this corrupt society where sexuality and unattainable outward appearances drive us to be inauthentic. We are not who He made us to be and it grieves Him. He wants to use my story to help restore some of His daughters to their rightful place in Him. He wants to heal them and thus give them the desires of their heart according to His purpose, because don't get it twisted; our lives were bought with a price and thusly must be returned to Him in service and love.
So, join me on this journey of restoration. Join me in this journey of healing and revelation.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Fear of vulnerability and transparency
Let me just start by saying, I've been pretty hardcore my whole life. My grandmother use to tell me that whatever came up didn't have to come out. I didn't sugar coat stuff to spare people, I always felt like complete honesty was always best. I saw crying as a weakness. It didn't solve anything and it always gave me a headache. Until......
As God broke down my walls. those were the first bricks to come down. Everything makes me cry. It wasn't that I didn't empathize with people or I wasn't compassionate, I just wasn't as sensitive as I should/could have been. Now, I feel like I'm hyper sensitive. I still don't like showing emotion but when I hear someone's story of how they overcame, a testimony of how the Lord blessed or delivered them, I get a little teary eyed, lol. I have realized that when the Holy Spirit has or is moving, I get a chill and tears instantly form. It was a little nerve wracking at first. I'm still not completely comfortable with it, but I can't stop it.
I said all of that to say, that doing kingdom work, you can't be afraid of being vulnerable or being transparent. That most humiliating or embarrassing issue you had may be exactly what someone else needs to hear to be delivered. Writing my story has made me more vulnerable than ever. My transparency about the old me will bless someone else. So it is with the Lord's work. Every catastrophe or horrible situation you've encountered was meant for someone else. If you made it through and are stronger for it, it was meant to help someone else make it through. You never know how your story can pull someone from the brink of giving up completely. Your light may be the very thing that brings someone out of the darkness.
Like I said, I don't care what anyone thinks about the old me because as scripture says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things," 1 Corinthians 13:11. I'm not the old me and there is nothing you can say to make me feel ashamed or guilty, no more than the enemy did to keep me in my sin. Growing up doesn't always mean just stepping up to the plate and handling your business. It also means, accepting the past for what it was and leaving it behind. It doesn't mean forget, because we all know some Christians that seemed to have forgotten all their sins before they gave their lives to the Lord. And! Unfortunately, they don't share their story with anyone to help deliver them, they would rather gossip and point fingers and judge and condemn. I found that to be the case in my childhood church, one of the reasons I could no longer attend.
Here I am however, having been a single mother raising 4 children alone, taking care of my mother for years, taking care of other peoples loved ones as a profession, and not needing a man to complete me. My Father supplied all of our needs despite my history and all my sins. Here I am, a vessel, unclean and sinful, still being used for His glory despite what people said and thought. God is awesome! My prayer is only that we all help the person next to us, when given the opportunity. You never know what someone else is struggling with or has been through.
Take stock in what you have and give thanks for how the Lord delivered you, then do it for the next person. What can it hurt? Your pride? How other people look at you? The only thing that truly matters is what the Lord thinks of you. No one on earth has a heaven or hell to place you in, so walk boldly in the face of the nay sayers and haters and do what the Lord has placed in your heart. "Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord," Jeremiah 1:8
As God broke down my walls. those were the first bricks to come down. Everything makes me cry. It wasn't that I didn't empathize with people or I wasn't compassionate, I just wasn't as sensitive as I should/could have been. Now, I feel like I'm hyper sensitive. I still don't like showing emotion but when I hear someone's story of how they overcame, a testimony of how the Lord blessed or delivered them, I get a little teary eyed, lol. I have realized that when the Holy Spirit has or is moving, I get a chill and tears instantly form. It was a little nerve wracking at first. I'm still not completely comfortable with it, but I can't stop it.
I said all of that to say, that doing kingdom work, you can't be afraid of being vulnerable or being transparent. That most humiliating or embarrassing issue you had may be exactly what someone else needs to hear to be delivered. Writing my story has made me more vulnerable than ever. My transparency about the old me will bless someone else. So it is with the Lord's work. Every catastrophe or horrible situation you've encountered was meant for someone else. If you made it through and are stronger for it, it was meant to help someone else make it through. You never know how your story can pull someone from the brink of giving up completely. Your light may be the very thing that brings someone out of the darkness.
Like I said, I don't care what anyone thinks about the old me because as scripture says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things," 1 Corinthians 13:11. I'm not the old me and there is nothing you can say to make me feel ashamed or guilty, no more than the enemy did to keep me in my sin. Growing up doesn't always mean just stepping up to the plate and handling your business. It also means, accepting the past for what it was and leaving it behind. It doesn't mean forget, because we all know some Christians that seemed to have forgotten all their sins before they gave their lives to the Lord. And! Unfortunately, they don't share their story with anyone to help deliver them, they would rather gossip and point fingers and judge and condemn. I found that to be the case in my childhood church, one of the reasons I could no longer attend.
Here I am however, having been a single mother raising 4 children alone, taking care of my mother for years, taking care of other peoples loved ones as a profession, and not needing a man to complete me. My Father supplied all of our needs despite my history and all my sins. Here I am, a vessel, unclean and sinful, still being used for His glory despite what people said and thought. God is awesome! My prayer is only that we all help the person next to us, when given the opportunity. You never know what someone else is struggling with or has been through.
Take stock in what you have and give thanks for how the Lord delivered you, then do it for the next person. What can it hurt? Your pride? How other people look at you? The only thing that truly matters is what the Lord thinks of you. No one on earth has a heaven or hell to place you in, so walk boldly in the face of the nay sayers and haters and do what the Lord has placed in your heart. "Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord," Jeremiah 1:8
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Single in Christ and OK
Once again I have been placed in a situation to witness and teach, I suppose. Being a nurse, I'm always surrounded by women of all walks of life, in all stages of life. I have yet to meet one that is truly happy. We all have our back stories that no one knows until we share it. Sometimes you can know things about people just through their behaviors and actions but that is just speculation until they themselves reveal it or the Holy Spirit. It's difficult to deal with people sometimes even when you know their story, but that is where prayer and patience come in.
I said all of that to say, that most of the women I encounter are single and unhappy. Some single by choice, some single and actively looking, or recently single. My best friend who is a pastor told me recently that I have mastered being single. What does that mean? I enjoy being by myself. I enjoy my me time. I know how to be with myself and I genuinely like who I am. I don't need someone to validate me or make me feel special or take care of me. My Father who is in heaven has done all of that and has given me the means to take care of myself. My job is people based, I see and deal with people all the time, so I don't need to be with someone when I get home. Truth be told, I hate crowds. I HATE shopping. I truly despise dealing with the public at large, they are rude and inconsiderate. They are always in your personal space.
Am I an introvert? No, actually I can be either an introvert or extravert, BUT! I enjoy quiet spaces and time to myself more. Thusly, being single is not an issue for me. Besides, I have teenagers that keep me occupied. With them around, I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
With that being said, it was not difficult for the Lord to converse with me. I don't have the distractions that most women have; either married or just in a relationship. As I said, I have teenagers and you know, teenagers are rarely at home. So, I enjoy my me time, my me and my Father time. When you sit still and listen, you can hear so much. For those women that struggle with purpose and identity...you only need to sit still. The problems of the world will always be there...the answers to them all resides in our Father. You have to sit still long enough so He can whisper them to you.
So, being a single, Christian woman means what? Looks like what? There is a scripture in the Bible that says, An unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7: 34. It's not bad to want to be married, but your priority is with your family (world). When you are single, you can concentrate on those things that please the Lord. Things like, being healed from your past. He wants that for us. Like finding your purpose in the kingdom. Allowing Him to reveal or strengthen your gifts and talents. Allowing Him to reveal your future in Him.....
It's not easy to be single when you have no purpose or direction, but when you spend time with the Lord He'll give you what you need until it's your time. This time looks different for every woman depending on what your purpose is in the kingdom. It depends on your vocation or career. It depends on the plan He has for you and believe me, He has a plan for every woman. In some religions or even just in the collective secular mindset, it is believed that woman have no real role in the body of Christ or that our roles are specifically to serve and take care of. Not so! There are so many holes in the body that can be filled by women.
A woman in the body can have several roles. In the word is says that older women should teach the younger women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed; Titus 2:4-5. That should be a given. The older women should be examples to the younger women. In todays society, the younger women are not learning how to be women, how to be wives, how to be mothers. The body needs more Christian examples of what a Christian woman should be. Yes, women are teachers, but women can also be preachers, apostles, evangelists, and prophets not just deaconess' or missionaries. It's all according to God's plan for that particular woman, not what any man, tradition, or doctrine has to say.
So, if you are a single woman, stop worrying about the cares of the world and focus on Jesus Christ our savior. Concern yourself only with what He has to say about you and to you. When this mindset has been adopted, the desires to be married or in a relationship diminish greatly. There are so many things we as women have endured and been subjected to. Allow the Lord to heal you before He sends your Adam. Don't place the burden of making you feel whole or giving you an identity by giving you his last name to a man. He is only human and will disappoint you. He may even walk away if you put that burden on him. The only man capable of making you whole, removing those things that you are ashamed of, and healing your heart, is Jesus Christ. Take this time to get to know Him and allow Him to be your man, because no one can take care of you like He can.
Once you have allowed Him to work on you, He will reveal to you the true nature of marriage. He will reveal to you what your marriage is purposed to do and accomplish in the kingdom. It's nothing like you thought, nothing like you've seen. Marriage is not a selfish endeavor meant to give us the physical and mental gratification we desire, that is just a byproduct. Marriage was created to serve the Kingdom as well. It was designed to give God the Glory and point others in the direction of the cross and our savior who died there for us. Joy, peace and happiness come with being obedient and doing kingdom work.
You have to seek Him out with all your heart, mind and soul and He will reveal the mysteries of heaven to you. Be content with where you are or you will not be content when you get whatever it is you're asking for. I saw a quote that said, " Don't ask the Lord for something else when you aren't content with what you have." Those are words to live by. Every place in time, every situation, every season has a purpose....be content and learn whatever it is He has for you in that time.
Your next will be greater!
I said all of that to say, that most of the women I encounter are single and unhappy. Some single by choice, some single and actively looking, or recently single. My best friend who is a pastor told me recently that I have mastered being single. What does that mean? I enjoy being by myself. I enjoy my me time. I know how to be with myself and I genuinely like who I am. I don't need someone to validate me or make me feel special or take care of me. My Father who is in heaven has done all of that and has given me the means to take care of myself. My job is people based, I see and deal with people all the time, so I don't need to be with someone when I get home. Truth be told, I hate crowds. I HATE shopping. I truly despise dealing with the public at large, they are rude and inconsiderate. They are always in your personal space.
Am I an introvert? No, actually I can be either an introvert or extravert, BUT! I enjoy quiet spaces and time to myself more. Thusly, being single is not an issue for me. Besides, I have teenagers that keep me occupied. With them around, I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
With that being said, it was not difficult for the Lord to converse with me. I don't have the distractions that most women have; either married or just in a relationship. As I said, I have teenagers and you know, teenagers are rarely at home. So, I enjoy my me time, my me and my Father time. When you sit still and listen, you can hear so much. For those women that struggle with purpose and identity...you only need to sit still. The problems of the world will always be there...the answers to them all resides in our Father. You have to sit still long enough so He can whisper them to you.
So, being a single, Christian woman means what? Looks like what? There is a scripture in the Bible that says, An unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7: 34. It's not bad to want to be married, but your priority is with your family (world). When you are single, you can concentrate on those things that please the Lord. Things like, being healed from your past. He wants that for us. Like finding your purpose in the kingdom. Allowing Him to reveal or strengthen your gifts and talents. Allowing Him to reveal your future in Him.....
It's not easy to be single when you have no purpose or direction, but when you spend time with the Lord He'll give you what you need until it's your time. This time looks different for every woman depending on what your purpose is in the kingdom. It depends on your vocation or career. It depends on the plan He has for you and believe me, He has a plan for every woman. In some religions or even just in the collective secular mindset, it is believed that woman have no real role in the body of Christ or that our roles are specifically to serve and take care of. Not so! There are so many holes in the body that can be filled by women.
A woman in the body can have several roles. In the word is says that older women should teach the younger women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed; Titus 2:4-5. That should be a given. The older women should be examples to the younger women. In todays society, the younger women are not learning how to be women, how to be wives, how to be mothers. The body needs more Christian examples of what a Christian woman should be. Yes, women are teachers, but women can also be preachers, apostles, evangelists, and prophets not just deaconess' or missionaries. It's all according to God's plan for that particular woman, not what any man, tradition, or doctrine has to say.
So, if you are a single woman, stop worrying about the cares of the world and focus on Jesus Christ our savior. Concern yourself only with what He has to say about you and to you. When this mindset has been adopted, the desires to be married or in a relationship diminish greatly. There are so many things we as women have endured and been subjected to. Allow the Lord to heal you before He sends your Adam. Don't place the burden of making you feel whole or giving you an identity by giving you his last name to a man. He is only human and will disappoint you. He may even walk away if you put that burden on him. The only man capable of making you whole, removing those things that you are ashamed of, and healing your heart, is Jesus Christ. Take this time to get to know Him and allow Him to be your man, because no one can take care of you like He can.
Once you have allowed Him to work on you, He will reveal to you the true nature of marriage. He will reveal to you what your marriage is purposed to do and accomplish in the kingdom. It's nothing like you thought, nothing like you've seen. Marriage is not a selfish endeavor meant to give us the physical and mental gratification we desire, that is just a byproduct. Marriage was created to serve the Kingdom as well. It was designed to give God the Glory and point others in the direction of the cross and our savior who died there for us. Joy, peace and happiness come with being obedient and doing kingdom work.
You have to seek Him out with all your heart, mind and soul and He will reveal the mysteries of heaven to you. Be content with where you are or you will not be content when you get whatever it is you're asking for. I saw a quote that said, " Don't ask the Lord for something else when you aren't content with what you have." Those are words to live by. Every place in time, every situation, every season has a purpose....be content and learn whatever it is He has for you in that time.
Your next will be greater!
Monday, January 2, 2017
My Book
Happy New Year!!!
As of November 28, 2016, I completed the Nanowrimo challenge. 50,000+ words of a novel that was divinely inspired. Yet, it's still not complete. I was given the charge to write my story in the hopes that it would help deliver someone else. My story is not pretty, it was no fairytale. It was truly a nightmare, but God delivered me. That's all I can say. He delivered me from the bondage of sin and I am truly grateful. It was not an easy task writing my life out. It opened up old wounds, it laid bare my soul and every fault. At the same time, in peeling back the layers, he was healing me, taking away the shame and guilt, preparing me for what's next.
Despite the love He has poured out on me, despite the validation He's given me, despite the awesome message He has entrusted me to share I still feel inadequate and unworthy. It seems we hide behind so many things to hide our fears. I procrastinate when I'm afraid of the outcome or just don't want to face whatever it is. I distract myself with silly time consuming games or I find a new book to read, to keep from doing what I know I should be doing. OR! I hide behind lack of knowledge or understanding to post-pone the inevitable.
Well! It's a new year. In order for my dreams to be realized, I have to stop hiding, being distracted, and ignorant. I have to realign myself with my Heavenly Father. There are so many things that He has placed down on the inside of me that need to come out. I am truly excited about it, but at the same time I am terrified. Like most messengers of the Bible I am constantly asking, "Lord, who am I?", attempting to get my Jonah on, lol.
The 6 months it took me to write my book, I was on fire! Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I still believed what the Lord told me, I just didn't believe it was for me. Earlier this year, I said yes. I told the Lord I was ready to answer His call to ministry. As a lifelong Christian, (meaning I'm no baby saint, I'm not new to this) I knew the attacks would come. If you don't believe that the enemy will rise up against you the very moment you take a step towards the Lord, you are delusional. He hit me right where he knew he could get me the hardest. It wasn't my children, I have no other family in the city, my truck still runs, we still have a roof over our heads....but he attacked in the place where I spend most of my time. He attacked where I had been planting spiritual seeds. He attacked me at work.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a nurse and I work midnights. Well, originally, I worked midnights during the week and evenings on my weekend. In working those evenings every other weekend I encountered a lot of people who were seeking the Lord. They may not have known it, but they were. Our conversations almost always lead back to the Lord. Most of them raised by God-fearing grandmothers, but lost their way once they became adults. From co-workers to residents and their families, the Lord was always the topic of conversation. Well, I was quickly switched to a different unit and went straight midnights without my input. My manager took it upon herself to just shift everything without a heads up or anything.
Where I am now, I have way more patients than where I was and I usually work by myself. So, I have been isolated. I have no one to really talk to about anything. I usually work four midnights in a row with ONE day off and then three more midnights. When my weekend off comes, I am exhausted. Not to mention the fact that I can't sleep. If it isn't my neighbors dogs barking me out of my sleep (because they are sequestered right under my window) or the Holy Spirit just being like Hey! So, going to church has been a struggle. I haven't been to church in probably 4 or 5 months. I find myself angry or upset all the time. I've found myself cursing a lot more. This change in my situation has assisted me in returning to my old man. Essentially, killing any witness I may have had. That makes me even angrier.
So, I have been out of alignment for several months now. I can't even muster up the strength or desire to pray, except the prayer I pray before I leave my driveway or grace before I eat. Right now, it is so difficult to focus long enough to pray. As soon as I start, my mind starts to wander to the point that I forget what I was even doing. How can I be a minister and can't even pray? How can I minister if I've allowed the enemy to take hold of my mind? How can I be an effective witness when all people are getting to see is the old me?
So, my book is about waiting for my Adam. The entire book is about my life and how the Lord kept me and transformed me so I'd be ready for His most awesome and perfect gift He could give any of us...a helpmeet. Somewhere towards the end of the book, I got discouraged. There was such a urgency as He revealed things to me, they just had to be written down. When I got close to the end, I realized that there was no ending because I hadn't met my Adam, (which is why the book is not complete). How can you write a book that has no ending. Now for most writers that just means a sequel, for me it meant that I still wasn't ready for this wonderful blessing. Which hurts spiritually. I thought I was strong enough to withstand the snares of the enemy, but I wasn't. I thought that by being obedient and writing the book, things would move expeditiously. That wasn't the case. When I wasn't obsessing over who my Adam may be, I was obsessing over when and where I would meet him. I do that, it's my thing. I have to question and analyze everything. which I think gets me in more trouble, though as I always say, the Lord knows His children. He made me this way, lol.
I guess this post is long enough. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have way more to talk about tomorrow.
Be blessed!
As of November 28, 2016, I completed the Nanowrimo challenge. 50,000+ words of a novel that was divinely inspired. Yet, it's still not complete. I was given the charge to write my story in the hopes that it would help deliver someone else. My story is not pretty, it was no fairytale. It was truly a nightmare, but God delivered me. That's all I can say. He delivered me from the bondage of sin and I am truly grateful. It was not an easy task writing my life out. It opened up old wounds, it laid bare my soul and every fault. At the same time, in peeling back the layers, he was healing me, taking away the shame and guilt, preparing me for what's next.
Despite the love He has poured out on me, despite the validation He's given me, despite the awesome message He has entrusted me to share I still feel inadequate and unworthy. It seems we hide behind so many things to hide our fears. I procrastinate when I'm afraid of the outcome or just don't want to face whatever it is. I distract myself with silly time consuming games or I find a new book to read, to keep from doing what I know I should be doing. OR! I hide behind lack of knowledge or understanding to post-pone the inevitable.
Well! It's a new year. In order for my dreams to be realized, I have to stop hiding, being distracted, and ignorant. I have to realign myself with my Heavenly Father. There are so many things that He has placed down on the inside of me that need to come out. I am truly excited about it, but at the same time I am terrified. Like most messengers of the Bible I am constantly asking, "Lord, who am I?", attempting to get my Jonah on, lol.
The 6 months it took me to write my book, I was on fire! Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I still believed what the Lord told me, I just didn't believe it was for me. Earlier this year, I said yes. I told the Lord I was ready to answer His call to ministry. As a lifelong Christian, (meaning I'm no baby saint, I'm not new to this) I knew the attacks would come. If you don't believe that the enemy will rise up against you the very moment you take a step towards the Lord, you are delusional. He hit me right where he knew he could get me the hardest. It wasn't my children, I have no other family in the city, my truck still runs, we still have a roof over our heads....but he attacked in the place where I spend most of my time. He attacked where I had been planting spiritual seeds. He attacked me at work.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a nurse and I work midnights. Well, originally, I worked midnights during the week and evenings on my weekend. In working those evenings every other weekend I encountered a lot of people who were seeking the Lord. They may not have known it, but they were. Our conversations almost always lead back to the Lord. Most of them raised by God-fearing grandmothers, but lost their way once they became adults. From co-workers to residents and their families, the Lord was always the topic of conversation. Well, I was quickly switched to a different unit and went straight midnights without my input. My manager took it upon herself to just shift everything without a heads up or anything.
Where I am now, I have way more patients than where I was and I usually work by myself. So, I have been isolated. I have no one to really talk to about anything. I usually work four midnights in a row with ONE day off and then three more midnights. When my weekend off comes, I am exhausted. Not to mention the fact that I can't sleep. If it isn't my neighbors dogs barking me out of my sleep (because they are sequestered right under my window) or the Holy Spirit just being like Hey! So, going to church has been a struggle. I haven't been to church in probably 4 or 5 months. I find myself angry or upset all the time. I've found myself cursing a lot more. This change in my situation has assisted me in returning to my old man. Essentially, killing any witness I may have had. That makes me even angrier.
So, I have been out of alignment for several months now. I can't even muster up the strength or desire to pray, except the prayer I pray before I leave my driveway or grace before I eat. Right now, it is so difficult to focus long enough to pray. As soon as I start, my mind starts to wander to the point that I forget what I was even doing. How can I be a minister and can't even pray? How can I minister if I've allowed the enemy to take hold of my mind? How can I be an effective witness when all people are getting to see is the old me?
So, my book is about waiting for my Adam. The entire book is about my life and how the Lord kept me and transformed me so I'd be ready for His most awesome and perfect gift He could give any of us...a helpmeet. Somewhere towards the end of the book, I got discouraged. There was such a urgency as He revealed things to me, they just had to be written down. When I got close to the end, I realized that there was no ending because I hadn't met my Adam, (which is why the book is not complete). How can you write a book that has no ending. Now for most writers that just means a sequel, for me it meant that I still wasn't ready for this wonderful blessing. Which hurts spiritually. I thought I was strong enough to withstand the snares of the enemy, but I wasn't. I thought that by being obedient and writing the book, things would move expeditiously. That wasn't the case. When I wasn't obsessing over who my Adam may be, I was obsessing over when and where I would meet him. I do that, it's my thing. I have to question and analyze everything. which I think gets me in more trouble, though as I always say, the Lord knows His children. He made me this way, lol.
I guess this post is long enough. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have way more to talk about tomorrow.
Be blessed!
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