Being a successful, Christian single in times of duress

     Oh boy! You know there are a lot of things that need to be navigated carefully when you are single. Fear, pain, loneliness.....There are snares waiting to ambush us around every corner, but particularly when it comes to painful situations.
     I lost both of my parents three years ago, three months apart and I was single. It would have been so easy to break my vow of celibacy or go back to drinking to cope, but there are ways to deal with this situations. By no means are they easy to pull off, but with lots of prayer and a made up mind, it can be done.
     I found myself saying, if I can be perfectly honest, that it would be nice to have someone to crawl into bed with. Not even on a sexual level, but in times of duress, we seek comfort. To have someone waiting with open arms to rub my hair and tell me it would be ok, that I would be ok, would have been a soothing balm to my bleeding heart. But! There was no one there offering that place of refuge and recharge. I felt like I had the entire world on my shoulders and had to be strong for everyone else. No different than what I had been doing, but now to add death to the ever growing heap on my shoulders was almost too much. It was awesome, all of the support as the memorials were going on, but what to do when everyone has gone home? What to do when there are no awkward conversations to ignore the pink elephant in the room? What to do when there is a trap awaiting you in the stillness? When the darkness holds more demons waiting to fill the spaces created with the loss? What to do when the only offers of comfort  come in the form of temporary physical escape from temporary people?
     You see people's true colors in the midst of your distress. What they offer, if they offer anything at all, tells you peoples true intentions. The crazy part about it, they say we teach people how to treat us. Did I teach these people that all I needed was sex and all would be right with the world? In the aftermath of death, what does sex have to offer? Nothing! Nothing but more emptiness and sometimes pain. You know you just have to wonder what is going on in peoples minds sometimes, lol. These are the times when a lot of people get the side eye, like Really!!! Are you really serious right now?
     People that you hadn't talked to or seen in ages come out the wood work telling you if you need anything, let me know. Well, you know I could go on about that but I digress. We're talking about how to cope. In the midnight hours, when I was wide awake, staring at the ceiling, all I could do was pray. I told the Lord all the issues I needed help with. I told him everything that I needed to be removed from me. I claimed promises, I yelled and screamed out my frustration. I told you guys, I've never been big on crying, lol, but I'm good at yelling and screaming.
     To keep from falling into the trap of meaningless sex, disappointing my Father and myself; I kept myself away from those type of situations. No, you can not come over. No, we can not go out. It seems a little extreme, but you have to know your limits. You have to have discernment as to people's true motives. Most men assume that vulnerability is an easy segway to getting laid. Be a shoulder to cry on, be supportive and listen and eventually she'll succumb to loneliness. Not even thinking that what women really need they are not willing to give. Not thinking that a women in distress needs more than just physical escape. Knowing full well that when they get what they want, they will disappear.
     That is why we as single women, not just Christian women, but women in general have to know who they are and why they are. In order to fend of the attacks of the enemy, in order to recognize the snares set before you, we have to know our triggers. The enemy knows. He knows what you like, he knows how to push your buttons. Watch and pray. Keep yourself from situations that may cause you to stumble or backslide into old habits.
     Find hobbies, visit new restaurants,  go back to school, be more active in church, travel....there are plenty of things that we can do as single women, to keep from being idle. The phrase, "idle hands are the devils playground" is so true. Sitting at home waiting for something to happen leaves too many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years of idleness where the enemy can replay all your mistakes, highlight your failures and your flaws, remind you of all your losses. Who wants that? There are so many things inside of us that we haven't tapped into. We've spent too much time doing other things, avoiding being with ourselves that we have no clue who or what we really are.
     In those moments when you are going through, you have to look past, reach around, stretch beyond that moment to something greater. Tell the enemy to get behind you and press on. Look to the hills from which commeth your help, don't look toward man, because he will leave and deceive, disappoint and hurt you. The only thing that truly works when you are going through, is to seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Still Struggling

     Can I just be absolutely transparent and honest? I'm still struggling!
     People.....some people believe that once you give your life to Christ that you no longer sin. That there is an instant transformation. One of the reasons people call Christians hypocrites. I said one of the reasons, I know there are quite a few others, but for this post we're just talking about this instant change that is supposed to take place. This miraculous change where you become perfect, lol. Yes, I'm being facetious.
     Any Christian worth their weight will tell you it's a daily struggle. The enemy has studied us. He knows what we like, he knows what will tempt us. Have you ever noticed that whenever you make a decision to do something or not to do something, distractions and temptations start coming out of the woodwork. Yea, you'll know you're on the right path when that happens. The problem is, most people just give in. You have to fight your flesh and die to self daily. Everyday you have to pray for the strength to not give in or give up.
     It's a daily struggle for me not to curse someone out. It's a daily struggle not to go grab a bottle from the liquor store. It's a daily struggle not to go back to being a predator. Laugh if you will, I'm telling you my struggles.
     I still struggle to believe what the Lord showed me. I struggle daily not to give up and go back to the old me because it was easy, it was comfortable. It is a daily struggle, but evertytime I wake up the Lord has placed a song in my heart so, I sing it. Every day, it seems like Pandora knows the songs I need to hear at any part of the day, to keep me encouraged and uplifted. Everyday, someone reminds me how blessed I truly am and that for all the bad I endured, my greater will cover and surpass it all.
     So be not weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not! Galatians 6:9.
     More scriptures for overcoming temptation:
1 Corinthians 10:13
Matthew 26:41
James 1:13-16
James 4:7
Ephesians 6:11
James 1:2-4

After becoming celibate

     Do you know what it feels like to shed your old man? Do you know what freedom feels like?  It was prophesied to me maybe 4 years ago, that I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. Guess what! It was true. When I began to embark on this journey, the old me began to fall away little by little. Strangely it started with my hair; I went natural. I've never been one really big on make-up. Fashion was never my thing...my addiction is undergarments, I know, TMI. So the only thing the Lord could really work on was me. The real me. The me I pretended to be. The illusion I showed the world. And layer by thin, transparent, glutinous, painful layer He peeled me like an onion until my core was laid bare. Sometimes I even felt like I was being fried.
     It was the best thing for me. I stopped clubbing, I stopped drinking, the last vestige of my old self was to stop having sex. Now anyone who knows anything about the church and the Word, knows that premarital sex is a sin. We were never told why, but we'd all heard it as youth. So as an adult, after having searched the Word and finding out the why's of it all, I definitely knew what I was doing was wrong. Could I have stopped on my own? Probably not. It took one catastrophic incident and I was convinced it was time to let it go. The situation had nothing to do with sex, but everything that came with it. I knew in order to let go of the drama attached to sex, I had to let go of my attachment to sex.
     You know, the drama.....how men equate sex with love. If you're not sleeping with them, you don't love them. Or my all time favorite, because you had sex with them, they somehow have ownership of your body. Or!.....No, I'm kidding, but I could go on for days. Those issues right there and a few more, lead me to my decision. Had to let it go.
     After the first week, I realized that the fog was lifting from my mind. Like, I could tell the enemy was losing his hold on me. It was like not eating read meat for a while. You have more energy, you can think better . That is kinda how it felt. After the excitement wore off and my internal celebration had ceased, I was left with the question, what next? What do I do with myself now? I had my own reasons for even still indulging in sex, now that the Lord had given me the strength to let it go...what now?
     Oh the things you can do! It sounds really corny, but you can do you. Not in the sexual sense, but you can do you, like learn to enjoy being around yourself. Not filling empty space with someone that isn't forever only temporary. Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Allow the Lord to reveal hidden gifts and talents and cultivate them.
    It's funny when I tell people that I'm celibate, they literally gasp and then people comment, "girl, I don't know how you do it." What's interesting to me, is that most of them are married. Well of course you don't know how I do it because you're married. You have a spouse to get it from. I, on the other hand, do not. Thusly, I am celibate. People ask questions like, you aren't gonna sample the goods before you get married? WTW! No! Well, how will you know if he's any good? LMBO! I'm sorry, that one get's me all the time and this is coming from women. I have to explain to them, my Father who art in heaven, who knew me before He formed me in my mother's womb; He knew my entire life before I even existed. He knows every hair on my head, He knows the number of tears I've cried. I think He can handle choosing the perfect man for me.
     With the blinders of carnality off, I was able to go deeper into what marriage should be. Sex, is still very important to me, but for wholly and completely different reasons. He was able to break down the dynamics of sex and intimacy and why the enemy sought to corrupt it. Ever wonder why sex is one of the first things to go when a marriage isn't going well. Husbands and wives alike are withholding themselves from their spouse and the enemy rejoices and then he attacks....
     Ok, that is a different story for a different time.
     In refraining from that very thing that redirected who I was at such a young age, He was able to show me the damage that it truly did and the damage that I continued to heap on my own head afterward. In refraining, I am focused on the things I should have been focused on years ago. In refraining from sex, He was able to reveal to me those things He's spoken over me in my mother's womb. He was able to uncover the gifts and talents that had lain dormant in my spirit, when I was focused more on Him. Have mercy! He was able to show me the real me. He was able to show me how He sees me. He showed me that despite my past and my mistakes and my set-backs, He still sees His beautiful creation without a spot or wrinkle. He still sees me as a bright and shining star. No man can ever give you that peace. No man can ever love you the way our Father loves us and when you shed the skin of your old self, forsaking fornication or sin of any kind and take our Father's hand allowing Him access to the deepest, darkest places that He knows exist and let Him clean them out and restore His light where only darkness stood....your next will come.
     Are you willing to shed your old man? Are you truly ready for your next?

When "IT" was no longer enough

     Have you ever had an it that just didn't do it for you anymore? Without warning, without provocation, it just ceased to do whatever it was that it was supposed to do. You tried to increase doing it, maybe more of it would make it work again, but it didn't. You didn't ask for it to be removed, you hadn't prayed about it. It just stopped being it. Did you try to replace it with another it that just couldn't touch it? Was it a person, place or thing that was your it? Did you pick your it back up, despite the fact that it was no longer working, because it was familiar? Have mercy!
    That was the Lord removing something that you no longer needed. You didn't have to ask for it to be removed, it was just time for it to go. Whether it was drinking, cigarettes, marijuana, crack, cocaine, sex, homosexuality, a he or she. The Lord saw fit to remove it.
     I had several its, lol. The first it He removed was alcoholism. I was up to drinking a 5th of Remy V.S.O.P every two to three days. I would stop on the way home from work every other morning and grab that bottle. I justified it by saying that was the only way I could fall asleep after working midnights. I would also say, that I could be a pill popper like some of the other nurses I worked with. I was at the hospital for 8 years. I didn't stop drinking until two years before I left. So for 6 years, a 5th of Remy V.S.O.P. every couple of days. Why did it stop? I didn't ask for it to stop, I hadn't prayed about it, it was just time for it to go. Two years later, my kids father stopped being my it. I would pick him back up continuously because he was familiar. Those were my major it's that just ceased to be enough.
     Nope, I take that back. My mother was my it. My mother had my back through whatever. I relied on her heavily, she was all I had left in this God-forsaken city. All of my "friends" had moved away and I was stuck. It was just me, her and the kids. He took her. I am truly grateful that He stopped her pain, but in taking her He left me "alone." But what He revealed to me was that she was the final crutch that had to be removed before I fully depended on Him. She was my it and she was not enough to do what it was that He needed to be done in me. She had done her part. She brought me in the world, raised me as best she could, and now it was His turn. Death is final, I couldn't pick her back up. Truth be told, I almost didn't pick myself back up after losing her. We didn't have the best relationship and I low-key resented having to take care of her the way I did, but as I stated before she was all I had left up here.
     We hardly ever know why the Lord does what He does and even when He does grace us with an explanation, some times it still doesn't make sense. If you do recognize, however, the hand of the Lord moving, don't question it. Don't scream bloody murder, while having a death grip on it. Is that it more important that whatever the Lord has in store for you? He is not the author of fear! Being afraid to let a thing go is merely the result of us believing the lies the enemy whispers in our ear. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap of faith and trust the Lord will catch you. Not jumping to catch that thing though, because there is no telling where you may land chasing that thing. We all have had detours and obstacles, post-ponemnets (is that a word? lol) and disappointments mostly because it was too hard to let a thing go.
     When it, is no longer it, just let it go. The thing waiting to take it's place is far greater!

What sucks about being single!

     Let me tell you! There are moments when being single really, really sucks! When all of your friends are married. Don't get it twisted, I'm not hating by any means. I am happy for each and every one of them. The issue is, and call me selfish if you wanna, they are no longer available to be my friend. I get the whole marriage thing, please believe me, I understand, but we can no longer be the friends we use to be when you've now married who you deem to be your new BFF.
     In the word, Paul talks about the difference between a virgin and a married woman. A virgin has more time to devote to kingdom work. A married woman cares more for the world and how to please her husband. How does that relate to friendship? A single friend has more time to hang out and talk. When you need them, they are more available. A married friend, now has a family and a spouse to devote their time to. Have you ever had that friend that calls you but can't talk because they are talking to everyone else in the background? Or you text them and tell them specifically to call you when they have time. That means when you have time to listen to me, give me a call. Yet, they call you in between doing things and are constantly telling you to hold on or that they will call you back every 5 seconds. Or when they call you, that thing you wanted to share with them isn't relevant because whatever is going on with them becomes the topic of conversation.
     Once again, no hate intended. My friends at this point in my life are ministers. so when I call, its because I had a revelation I want to share, because I have a question, or I want to bounce an idea off of someone before I finalize a message. I don't really have life things going on. The Lord has me in such a place that the world almost doesn't exist outside of work and home and I'm ok with that, but when something does happen, I want to be able to share it or call and say hey pray for me. Here lately, that has not been the case. Have you ever felt like your friendship makes you the mistress, lol? Like they can only talk to you when the spouse isn't around in order to be able to have a real conversation, and even that has diminished quite a bit. Now of course, we know things change when people get married. It's not hate, it's just time to find new, single friends. Not just any friends though. I need friends whose lives are rooted in the Lord. I don't want to have meaningless conversations about nothing. I don't want to hear about your baby daddy/mama drama. I don't want to hear about your social media beef...I am so past that.
       I have realized again, that I am at another point in my life where the Lord is purging me. I realize that this about to be another season in my life where things fall off. This is a season in my life where He needs me to depend solely on Him. In order to do what it is He wants me to do, I have to be isolated so I can hear directly from Him. He wants me to talk to Him about everything. He wants all of the things we think are too trivial to Him, He wants every aspect of our lives. Being alone in my singleness has an entirely different meaning for me. Does it get lonely, do I feel lonely? Sometimes and not at all. When I spend time with Him and do what it is He wants me to do, there is no room for loneliness and I'm not alone.
    Yes, He put in us the desire to be with someone else, but we have to have a relationship with Him first. Just like children, we build a relationship with our parents as we grow. We learn from them and spend most of our lives with them. Once we are old enough or are mature enough, then we can go out into the world and utilize those things that we learned; good or bad. Our Father, the Creator is no different. If we go to Him as children, He can teach us all the stuff we didn't learn as children or He breaks down the wrong things we learned and then replaces it with all the right stuff. IF! If you make time to spend with Him. In order to meet my Adam, I have to stop talking to someone else's. Whew!

Self Diagnosis vs World Diagnosis

     Now, self diagnosis is not a bad thing as long as there is confirmation, divine confirmation. How do you get divine confirmation? You ask for it. During those moments when you spend time with your Father and you ask Him to reveal those things in you that are not pleasing to Him and fix them. When you ask Him to search your heart. Of course He knows your issues and their origins, but He needs you to realize them so you can release them to Him. The important part is to release them. I held on to mine for years. I used them as excuses not to receive everything the Lord had for me, probably including my Adam. This journey is about releasing all those things that hinder you from being the best you in Christ.
     When I was younger I use to think that being a Christian was boring. Being raised SDA, there was so much we couldn't do, so I refused to give in completely. Everyone I looked at that was older just seemed like the most boring people in the world. The things they would come up for us to do just seemed like the lamest things ever. I was young, in my preteen and teen years. So I chose to live a double life. I was (for the most part) and angel at church and a hellion in the street, because the things your friends are doing just seem so much more fun than what the church was doing. I was tired of being called the church girl because I couldn't do anything from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. You know, when all of the dances, all of the games at school, all of the house parties took place on Friday night. I wanted to be normal, according to the worlds definition of normal.
     From an early age, I had been having dreams and visions that would come true. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn't know anyone else that had that "gift," not that shared it with anyone else anyway. So, I carried this burden as a child. If/when I shared it, no one believed me or they dismissed me because I was a child. The first time was the death of my great grandmother. I can't explain how I knew she had passed but I knew. The only adult that was present was my mother's brother who was a skeptic about everything, lol. I said two simple words, "she's gone." I couldn't explain how I knew, I just did. He asked me how I knew and I was just like I just do. Of course, he dismissed it like I didn't know what I was talking about, but sure enough she was gone. From then on, I pretty much kept my visions to myself.
     Oh Man! The Holy Spirit just revealed something to me. Thank you Lord. There was a point in my early childhood, I believe 9 years old, that I would go into these deep trance like states. It would make my mother so angry because she thought I was just ignoring her. I talk about it more in detail in my book, but the Holy Spirit just revealed to me that those were the times that He would download things into me and help me resolve some of the things I had been through. Whew! It really explains a lot. It explains why people believed I was much stronger than I was. If He was taking the majority of my pain, pouring into me and showing me things, it makes sense that I'm still standing and didn't commit suicide like the enemy tried to convince me to. God is so good! Which also explains why I've always known my issues and kept the venomous spirit I carried from infecting anyone else.
    I know some of this stuff sounds far fetched. Had I not developed a deeper relationship with my Father I probably would have given someone else the side eye had they tried to tell me some of this stuff. But I tell you, when you go deeper in the Lord, He reveals so much. Results may vary though, because everyone is not capable of the depths that some others can go. Or, they weren't meant to go as deep as others. So don't base your results on anyone else's journey, just focus on yours.
     World diagnosis....that is a whole different beast. World diagnosis is detrimental to some peoples life. I don't doubt that there are some therapist, psychologists and psychiatrist that can actually help people, but they couldn't help me, lol. For years people tried to get me to see someone. "You need someone to talk to." Little did they know. I journaled daily, the Lord heard my every cry, every day. Me and the Lord had a thing, even when I didn't want a thing with Him, lol. Of course you don't realize it until much later in life, but He was there the entire time. But world diagnosis can kill people literally and/or spiritually. Prescribed medication alters mental function and opens a gateway for things far worse than what the meds are suppose to help, which is also another story for a different time.
     World diagnosis never gets to the root of an issue and if it does it doesn't teach you or tell you how to uproot it. How do you get over it, past it? Because it comes from a worldly view, it hardly ever points you to Jesus. Sometimes, even in church, it doesn't teach you HOW to leave your issues at the alter. Yes, everyone has a cross to bear, but the strength to do so only comes from one place. We can not do it in our own strength. When you press into the Lord and seek Him, He will show you what and He will uproot it if you allow Him to.
     All the self help books will only get you excited, it will not fix you. The problem begins with the title of this genre of books.....SELF help. If you are a child of God, you know that you can not do it alone. It may appear at times in life, that we are doing it on our own, but guess what! There are only two ways to get the things that we have; we can be  agents for the enemy that promises nothing but wealth, popularity, and earthly things, but can not promise you eternal life like being obedient to the Father does. IJS!
    Anyway, don't let the world diagnose your ailments. Stop googling your symptoms  trying to find homeopathic remedies to cure your spiritual ailments, just open your Bible and seek the Creator. He knew what your ailments would be and only He has the cure!

Lies of the enemy

     The enemy has a plethora of lies he tells us on a daily. The greatest lies are those he tells to single women. Anything and everything he can say or do to keep you from your Adam. To those who have been raped or molested or promiscuous, you're dirty and unworthy of love. To those from broken homes, orphaned or adopted, no one will ever love you. To single mother's, this is the best you will ever get. To women who grew up in abusive homes, he doesn't love you if it doesn't hurt. To women raised by single mother's, you don't need a man they're good for nothing anyway.  Sooooooo many lies that we fall for, missing out on the greatest gift our Father wants to give us.
     As adults we've become good at adapting and surviving, because our pasts dictated that we do so. We've become shells of who we could have been as women. If he can't handle me (my attitude and neuroticism), he's weak. I'm an independent woman, I can't be submissive. Submission is for weak women. No man is going to run over me. I can do everything a man can do, I don't need a man.
     I will be the first to tell you, they are all lies! I use to believe them myself. My claim to fame was my independence, being raised by a single mother. I took on the lie because I watched my mother in one bad relationship after the other and decided, I didn't need them. I am a strong black woman, handling mine. I don't need a man. I can fix my own car, fix a leaky pipe, hook up the DVD player, and pay the bills. What do I need a man for? The enemy fights just as hard to keep people single as he does to break up marriages.
     Something to think about. Outside of the Sabbath, the Lord blessed and sanctified marriage. Right after He created the universe He ordained marriage. It obviously was important. Keep in mind, the Lord knew how things would unfold. He knew the enemy would deceive Eve and it would cause a rift between men and women for generations. How many times have you heard men say if it weren't for Eve, there would've been no sin? Little do they no....but that's a whole different story for a different time, lol. The enemy has been fighting to break up marriages from the beginning. And if we take into consideration the comparison of God's relationship with us being His bride, it makes sense (to me anyway, lol). The enemy pulls out all the stops to keep us from meeting our bridegroom when He comes back. Never the less, He ordained it anyway. He knew the power that two would have. Where two or three are gathered in my name, there will I be also. He abides in marriage, especially those He ordained and are about His business.
     If you prescribe to any brand of deceit, , I emplore you to seek the Father. These lies have hindered us from being our best and receiving the best. These lies have caused the highest rate of depression in women which according to medicine, correlates with heart attacks being one of the top killers of women. Women were not made to carry the weight of their world on their shoulders. Call it what you will, but He Himself said that it is not good for man to be alone. After giving Adam this beautiful garden full of everything he could imagine to eat, he filled it with every creature great and small to occupy his time, yet He knew that it was not be enough. Being three in one in society today is called dissociative personality disorder, schizophrenia, and some other unsavory names which all stem from the enemy as well. So! He couldn't make us exactly like Him, but what He did do was put pieces of Himself into each of us. Not all the same stuff, but when placed with the right "ONE," can have a supernatural affect on the world and the fight between good and evil.
     So tell those voices in your head, every time you look in the mirror, that say you don't deserve to be happy, that you are unlovable, that you aren't pretty enough, that you are too fat or too skinny to get behind you. Because you were made in the image of our Father you are more than enough and when you allow Him in to heal your heart, tear down strongholds, and renew your mind; you will be invincible and not of your own volition. You won't have to do anything with your own strength except love the Lord and be obedient, He will do the rest.