In light of recent situations, I have been forced to admit that I have a problem. 30 years in the making....nevertheless, I refused to acknowledge it or claim it until it could no longer be denied. 2013 was not my best year. In july, my job was phased out. In august, my mom died. In october, my cat was mauled and died. In november, first the love of my life and I parted ways, then my father passed, last I had to move from my home because I was still unemployed and unemployment denied me. Deep breath.....how am I still able to function? The grace of God and my ability to push things aside and smile through it.
What I realized this year was that every thing really does happen for a reason. We may not always understand but it's true. For a year I have been in this situation, not the best situation but better than it could have been. For a year I've been trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to deserve such a punishment and in the midst of it all the enemy started to speak. I could ignore it for a while, but it seemed he was hell bent on dragging me down. My current situation isn't ideal, several times I reverted to my old self preservation tactics; to turn so deeply into myself that the world doesn't exist. Unfortunately, I'm not a child anymore. I have children that I feel still need my protection , lol. There was a week that I gave up, let the devil win. In that week that I succumbed, I realized how my mom became chronically depressed and could never come out. The Lord showed me her path to destruction and how I was destined to repeat it if I let the enemy win. So, I had to acknowledge that I have an issue. At times, I am a breath away from allowing depression to take over my life. I haven't seen anyone about it but in hindsight I recognize the symptoms; fatigue, insomnia, unexplainable physical pain, loss of appetite and weight loss.
It takes me back to my childhood when I was diagnosed with abdominal epilepsy. My doctor told me it was from internalizing everything. She told me that I had to find an outlet because internalizing would kill me. The symptoms I had then, the reason my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. ...I would revert into myself so deeply that I would zone out and was oblivious to the outside world and horrible, horrible stomach pains. My mother said she would call me a million times and shake me and I wouldn't come out. So its safe to say that I had a form of depression then, at the age of 9.
It followed me into my teenage years. That's when I began drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and being permiscuous. Using all those things to fill the chasm (void) that nothing ever did. Enduring hurt after hurt, situation after situation with a smile. Never really dealing with any of it just taking note of the root of each of my issues.
Now, enter my adult years. I suppressed a multitude of things, never dealing with any of it. I am at max capacity and can feel that I'm bursting at the seams. How do you deal with a lifetime of issues. There are fragments, bits and pieces scattered everywhere.....how do you put them all back together?
The answer is simple (or so they keep telling me)....it's Jesus. They tell me to give it all to him. I am still trying to figure out how to.do that and not pick it up again. I know he is the Ultimate Physician and the Great Comforter, I just can't for the life of me, let go of the past hurts and injustices done to me in my childhood and beyond. Prayer helps, but just like the children on Isreal; how soon we forget once another situation arises.
So there is an internal struggle, daily. I don't talk to anyone about it, no one really knows what's going on. If they did, they couldn't help anyway, is how I feel. But I press on, I pray on, I smile on in hopes that the Lord would deliver me. The devil would have me believe that I am a failure, that the mistakes I've made put me in this place. While the Lord tells me I am chosen, an heir, His daughter.
My life's mission is to help save our youth from the snares the devil has set for them. How to persevere and not let their environment or their situations dictate what they will become in life. How not to let the devil deter them from the path the Lord has set. It started with my own children....recognizing the same issues with them. Then as teenagers, bringing their wounded friends to hang out at my house. Me, trying to figure out why in the world do these children want to be around me, lol. Doing my best to encourage them and tell them my story (bits and pieces that is) to let them know they aren't alone and that they can make it through no matter what it looks like. Me, trying to figure out how I can truly help them when I am still damaged goods myself.
The Lord uses us in our mess....in whatever situations we may find ourselves in. He uses us so that others can benifit from our testimonies on how He brought us through. He uses us so that others will see our growth and how the Lord blesses obedience and leaning on him.
Be not discouraged if you are going through. Everything happens for a reason and only lasts a season. There are lessons to be learned in this down time, there are strengths that need to manifest and weaknesses that need to be uprooted. There are things we need to learn about ourselves so that we can better serve him through our understanding. Unfortunately, us going through is not always for us either. Sometimes it's to help someone close to us or someone that is simply watching our walk. So be careful how you respond to your situations. You may lead someone else to stumble if you yourself do not hold on to God's unchanging hand, looking to the hills from which cometh your help.
Be blessed in this new year. Start it off with a spirit of expectancy that the Lord will do what He said He would do. Trust Him and have faith.
What I realized this year was that every thing really does happen for a reason. We may not always understand but it's true. For a year I have been in this situation, not the best situation but better than it could have been. For a year I've been trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to deserve such a punishment and in the midst of it all the enemy started to speak. I could ignore it for a while, but it seemed he was hell bent on dragging me down. My current situation isn't ideal, several times I reverted to my old self preservation tactics; to turn so deeply into myself that the world doesn't exist. Unfortunately, I'm not a child anymore. I have children that I feel still need my protection , lol. There was a week that I gave up, let the devil win. In that week that I succumbed, I realized how my mom became chronically depressed and could never come out. The Lord showed me her path to destruction and how I was destined to repeat it if I let the enemy win. So, I had to acknowledge that I have an issue. At times, I am a breath away from allowing depression to take over my life. I haven't seen anyone about it but in hindsight I recognize the symptoms; fatigue, insomnia, unexplainable physical pain, loss of appetite and weight loss.
It takes me back to my childhood when I was diagnosed with abdominal epilepsy. My doctor told me it was from internalizing everything. She told me that I had to find an outlet because internalizing would kill me. The symptoms I had then, the reason my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. ...I would revert into myself so deeply that I would zone out and was oblivious to the outside world and horrible, horrible stomach pains. My mother said she would call me a million times and shake me and I wouldn't come out. So its safe to say that I had a form of depression then, at the age of 9.
It followed me into my teenage years. That's when I began drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and being permiscuous. Using all those things to fill the chasm (void) that nothing ever did. Enduring hurt after hurt, situation after situation with a smile. Never really dealing with any of it just taking note of the root of each of my issues.
Now, enter my adult years. I suppressed a multitude of things, never dealing with any of it. I am at max capacity and can feel that I'm bursting at the seams. How do you deal with a lifetime of issues. There are fragments, bits and pieces scattered everywhere.....how do you put them all back together?
The answer is simple (or so they keep telling me)....it's Jesus. They tell me to give it all to him. I am still trying to figure out how to.do that and not pick it up again. I know he is the Ultimate Physician and the Great Comforter, I just can't for the life of me, let go of the past hurts and injustices done to me in my childhood and beyond. Prayer helps, but just like the children on Isreal; how soon we forget once another situation arises.
So there is an internal struggle, daily. I don't talk to anyone about it, no one really knows what's going on. If they did, they couldn't help anyway, is how I feel. But I press on, I pray on, I smile on in hopes that the Lord would deliver me. The devil would have me believe that I am a failure, that the mistakes I've made put me in this place. While the Lord tells me I am chosen, an heir, His daughter.
My life's mission is to help save our youth from the snares the devil has set for them. How to persevere and not let their environment or their situations dictate what they will become in life. How not to let the devil deter them from the path the Lord has set. It started with my own children....recognizing the same issues with them. Then as teenagers, bringing their wounded friends to hang out at my house. Me, trying to figure out why in the world do these children want to be around me, lol. Doing my best to encourage them and tell them my story (bits and pieces that is) to let them know they aren't alone and that they can make it through no matter what it looks like. Me, trying to figure out how I can truly help them when I am still damaged goods myself.
The Lord uses us in our mess....in whatever situations we may find ourselves in. He uses us so that others can benifit from our testimonies on how He brought us through. He uses us so that others will see our growth and how the Lord blesses obedience and leaning on him.
Be not discouraged if you are going through. Everything happens for a reason and only lasts a season. There are lessons to be learned in this down time, there are strengths that need to manifest and weaknesses that need to be uprooted. There are things we need to learn about ourselves so that we can better serve him through our understanding. Unfortunately, us going through is not always for us either. Sometimes it's to help someone close to us or someone that is simply watching our walk. So be careful how you respond to your situations. You may lead someone else to stumble if you yourself do not hold on to God's unchanging hand, looking to the hills from which cometh your help.
Be blessed in this new year. Start it off with a spirit of expectancy that the Lord will do what He said He would do. Trust Him and have faith.
