As of November 28, 2016, I completed the Nanowrimo challenge. 50,000+ words of a novel that was divinely inspired. Yet, it's still not complete. I was given the charge to write my story in the hopes that it would help deliver someone else. My story is not pretty, it was no fairytale. It was truly a nightmare, but God delivered me. That's all I can say. He delivered me from the bondage of sin and I am truly grateful. It was not an easy task writing my life out. It opened up old wounds, it laid bare my soul and every fault. At the same time, in peeling back the layers, he was healing me, taking away the shame and guilt, preparing me for what's next.
Despite the love He has poured out on me, despite the validation He's given me, despite the awesome message He has entrusted me to share I still feel inadequate and unworthy. It seems we hide behind so many things to hide our fears. I procrastinate when I'm afraid of the outcome or just don't want to face whatever it is. I distract myself with silly time consuming games or I find a new book to read, to keep from doing what I know I should be doing. OR! I hide behind lack of knowledge or understanding to post-pone the inevitable.
Well! It's a new year. In order for my dreams to be realized, I have to stop hiding, being distracted, and ignorant. I have to realign myself with my Heavenly Father. There are so many things that He has placed down on the inside of me that need to come out. I am truly excited about it, but at the same time I am terrified. Like most messengers of the Bible I am constantly asking, "Lord, who am I?", attempting to get my Jonah on, lol.
The 6 months it took me to write my book, I was on fire! Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I still believed what the Lord told me, I just didn't believe it was for me. Earlier this year, I said yes. I told the Lord I was ready to answer His call to ministry. As a lifelong Christian, (meaning I'm no baby saint, I'm not new to this) I knew the attacks would come. If you don't believe that the enemy will rise up against you the very moment you take a step towards the Lord, you are delusional. He hit me right where he knew he could get me the hardest. It wasn't my children, I have no other family in the city, my truck still runs, we still have a roof over our heads....but he attacked in the place where I spend most of my time. He attacked where I had been planting spiritual seeds. He attacked me at work.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a nurse and I work midnights. Well, originally, I worked midnights during the week and evenings on my weekend. In working those evenings every other weekend I encountered a lot of people who were seeking the Lord. They may not have known it, but they were. Our conversations almost always lead back to the Lord. Most of them raised by God-fearing grandmothers, but lost their way once they became adults. From co-workers to residents and their families, the Lord was always the topic of conversation. Well, I was quickly switched to a different unit and went straight midnights without my input. My manager took it upon herself to just shift everything without a heads up or anything.
Where I am now, I have way more patients than where I was and I usually work by myself. So, I have been isolated. I have no one to really talk to about anything. I usually work four midnights in a row with ONE day off and then three more midnights. When my weekend off comes, I am exhausted. Not to mention the fact that I can't sleep. If it isn't my neighbors dogs barking me out of my sleep (because they are sequestered right under my window) or the Holy Spirit just being like Hey! So, going to church has been a struggle. I haven't been to church in probably 4 or 5 months. I find myself angry or upset all the time. I've found myself cursing a lot more. This change in my situation has assisted me in returning to my old man. Essentially, killing any witness I may have had. That makes me even angrier.
So, I have been out of alignment for several months now. I can't even muster up the strength or desire to pray, except the prayer I pray before I leave my driveway or grace before I eat. Right now, it is so difficult to focus long enough to pray. As soon as I start, my mind starts to wander to the point that I forget what I was even doing. How can I be a minister and can't even pray? How can I minister if I've allowed the enemy to take hold of my mind? How can I be an effective witness when all people are getting to see is the old me?
So, my book is about waiting for my Adam. The entire book is about my life and how the Lord kept me and transformed me so I'd be ready for His most awesome and perfect gift He could give any of us...a helpmeet. Somewhere towards the end of the book, I got discouraged. There was such a urgency as He revealed things to me, they just had to be written down. When I got close to the end, I realized that there was no ending because I hadn't met my Adam, (which is why the book is not complete). How can you write a book that has no ending. Now for most writers that just means a sequel, for me it meant that I still wasn't ready for this wonderful blessing. Which hurts spiritually. I thought I was strong enough to withstand the snares of the enemy, but I wasn't. I thought that by being obedient and writing the book, things would move expeditiously. That wasn't the case. When I wasn't obsessing over who my Adam may be, I was obsessing over when and where I would meet him. I do that, it's my thing. I have to question and analyze everything. which I think gets me in more trouble, though as I always say, the Lord knows His children. He made me this way, lol.
I guess this post is long enough. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have way more to talk about tomorrow.
Be blessed!
