Still trying to let go

It is the strangest thing....wanting to be in the will of God but not really wanting to trust that He knows best. Smh. Still wandering in the wilderness because I have refused to submit my will completely to Him. Still wanting to do things my way. Looking at what he may want for me with my nose turned up...because I don't like how its packaged. The contents aren't what I ordered.  It just plain ole ain't what I want. So what do you do at this point? I tried to pray it away, tried to ignore it, was rude to it, cussed it out, even tried to pawn it. To others it looks ideal, to me it looks like a lifetime of misery. Tried to give it away....didn't work, even tried to just leave it. What He has for us is for us...no matter what it feels like or looks like. If I had my way.....well lets just say I would have chosen differently. So now what do I do? Feeling like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place....what's next?  I even prayed that it would just leave me alone and then I couldn't be held accountable,  right? Wrong, lol. Oh well. Have to learn to submit my entire will unto Him, not just the parts I want him to handle. Gonna be a long ride...
Ask the Lord to replace that spirit of stubbornness with submission. Die to self, take up your cross and follow me. Oh boy!
Feeling trapped, stuck whatever you want to call it leaves you not wanting to pray, I still get in my word, but I can't seem to pray. I want my own piece of something...somewhere I can go and throw a tantrum and cry and just tell the Lord how unhappy I am, and maybe even be able to hear back from him. Ijs....my own quiet place for just me and my Daddy. Maybe then I can hear clearly what He's trying to tell me so He doesn't have to send word through other people. Ijs....Daddy I need a release! Physically and spiritually, help a sista out..