Fighting a battle that is not mine.....depression and anxiety

In light of recent situations,  I have been forced to admit that I have a problem. 30 years in the making....nevertheless,  I refused to acknowledge it or claim it until it could no longer be denied. 2013 was not my best year. In july, my job was phased out. In august, my mom died. In october, my cat was mauled and died. In november, first the love of my life and I parted ways, then my father passed, last I had to move from my home because I was still unemployed and unemployment denied me. Deep breath.....how am I still able to function? The grace of God and my ability to push things aside and smile through it.
What I realized this year was that every thing really does happen for a reason.  We may not always understand but it's true. For a year I have been in this situation, not the best situation but better than it could have been. For a year I've been trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to deserve such a punishment and in the midst of it all the enemy started to speak. I could ignore it for a while, but it seemed he was hell bent on dragging me down. My current situation isn't ideal, several times I reverted to my old self preservation tactics; to turn so deeply into myself that the world doesn't exist. Unfortunately,  I'm not a child anymore. I have children that I feel still need my protection , lol. There was a week that I gave up, let the devil win. In that week that I succumbed, I realized how my mom became chronically depressed and could never come out. The Lord showed me her path to destruction and how I was destined to repeat it if I let the enemy win. So, I had to acknowledge that I have an issue. At times, I am a breath away from allowing depression to take over my life. I haven't seen anyone about it but in hindsight I recognize the symptoms; fatigue, insomnia, unexplainable physical pain, loss of appetite and weight loss.
It takes me back to my childhood when I was diagnosed with abdominal epilepsy. My doctor told me it was from internalizing everything. She told me that I had to find an outlet because internalizing would kill me. The symptoms I had then, the reason my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. ...I would revert into myself so deeply that I would zone out and was oblivious to the outside world and horrible, horrible stomach pains. My mother said she would call me a million times and shake me and I wouldn't come out. So its safe to say that I had a form of depression then, at the age of 9.
It followed me into my teenage years. That's when I began drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and being permiscuous. Using all those things to fill the chasm (void) that nothing ever did.  Enduring hurt after hurt, situation after situation with a smile. Never really dealing with any of it just taking note of the root of each of my issues.
Now, enter my adult years. I suppressed a multitude of things, never dealing with any of it. I am at max capacity and can feel that I'm bursting at the seams. How do you deal with a lifetime of issues. There are fragments,  bits and pieces scattered everywhere.....how do you put them all back together?
The answer is simple (or so they keep telling me)....it's Jesus. They tell me to give it all to him. I am still trying to figure out how to.do that and not pick it up again. I know he is the Ultimate Physician and the Great Comforter, I just can't for the life of me, let go of the past hurts and injustices done to me in my childhood and beyond.  Prayer helps, but just like the children on Isreal; how soon we forget once another situation arises.
So there is an internal struggle, daily. I don't talk to anyone about it, no one really knows what's going on. If they did, they couldn't help anyway, is how I feel. But I press on, I pray on, I smile on in hopes that the Lord would deliver me. The devil would have me believe that I am a failure, that the mistakes I've made put me in this place. While the Lord tells me I am chosen,  an heir, His daughter.
My life's mission is to help save our youth from the snares the devil has set for them. How to persevere and not let their environment or their situations dictate what they will become in life. How not to let the devil deter them from the path the Lord has set. It started with my own children....recognizing the same issues with them. Then as teenagers, bringing their wounded friends to hang out at my house. Me, trying to figure out why in the world do these children want to be around me, lol. Doing my best to encourage them and tell them my story (bits and pieces that is) to let them know they aren't alone and that they can make it through no matter what it looks like. Me, trying to figure out how I can truly help them when I am still damaged goods myself.
The Lord uses us in our mess....in whatever situations we may find ourselves in. He uses us so that others can benifit from our testimonies on how He brought us through. He uses us so that others will see our growth and how the Lord blesses obedience and leaning on him.
Be not discouraged if you are going through. Everything happens for a reason and only lasts a season. There are lessons to be learned in this down time, there are strengths that need to manifest and weaknesses that need to be uprooted. There are things we need to learn about ourselves so that we can better serve him through our understanding. Unfortunately,  us going through is not always for us either. Sometimes it's to help someone close to us or someone that is simply watching our walk. So be careful how you respond to your situations. You may lead someone else to stumble if you yourself do not hold on to God's unchanging hand, looking to the hills from which cometh your help.
Be blessed in this new year. Start it off with a spirit of expectancy that the Lord will do what He said He would do. Trust Him and have faith.

Still trying to let go

It is the strangest thing....wanting to be in the will of God but not really wanting to trust that He knows best. Smh. Still wandering in the wilderness because I have refused to submit my will completely to Him. Still wanting to do things my way. Looking at what he may want for me with my nose turned up...because I don't like how its packaged. The contents aren't what I ordered.  It just plain ole ain't what I want. So what do you do at this point? I tried to pray it away, tried to ignore it, was rude to it, cussed it out, even tried to pawn it. To others it looks ideal, to me it looks like a lifetime of misery. Tried to give it away....didn't work, even tried to just leave it. What He has for us is for us...no matter what it feels like or looks like. If I had my way.....well lets just say I would have chosen differently. So now what do I do? Feeling like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place....what's next?  I even prayed that it would just leave me alone and then I couldn't be held accountable,  right? Wrong, lol. Oh well. Have to learn to submit my entire will unto Him, not just the parts I want him to handle. Gonna be a long ride...
Ask the Lord to replace that spirit of stubbornness with submission. Die to self, take up your cross and follow me. Oh boy!
Feeling trapped, stuck whatever you want to call it leaves you not wanting to pray, I still get in my word, but I can't seem to pray. I want my own piece of something...somewhere I can go and throw a tantrum and cry and just tell the Lord how unhappy I am, and maybe even be able to hear back from him. Ijs....my own quiet place for just me and my Daddy. Maybe then I can hear clearly what He's trying to tell me so He doesn't have to send word through other people. Ijs....Daddy I need a release! Physically and spiritually, help a sista out..

Giving up

I'm giving up.....I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being afraid. What am I giving up? I'm giving up my control to Jesus. He can have it. You would think that with my current station in life that I would have surrendered a long time ago. I guess I should clarify. I'm still trying to figure out the Lord's plan for me instead of letting Him do what He does. Not knowing mortifies me. It makes it harder to move forward. So I'm relinquishing the reigns.....they are doing me no good, because I have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
There are too many people involved at this point. Too many people depending on me. My children are watching to see what I'm going to do to get us out of this situation, but it is beyond my control. Apparently this is where the Lord wants us. So the best I can do for them is exercise faith. Show them how to completely rely on our Father in heaven. I thought I was doing a good job making it appear that everything was ok and that I believed the Lord would bring us out. I noticed however that everytime our Bishop calls me to her, she tells me to say, "God is real." I kept asking why she wants me to repeat that. I know He's real. I do....I know how He's kept my family and blessed us more times than I can count. So why does she make me repeat that? Then it dawned on me that maybe I've lost faith in the wilderness. So I figure I'd better go find the bush it fell under and keep it moving. I don't want to wander in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have only taken 2 weeks, lol. Ijs.
I don't want to die off so that my children can inherit the promised land. Oh boy! A revelation...it hasn't been a year since my moms death.......had no clue why He took her when He knew she was the only close family I had here in Indiana. Oh man.....well that just makes me feel worse, lol. Don't want my children wandering because of me. Sobering revelation.

God is an awesome God

Written January 4,2014

    Church on Sunday was off the chain! Had I listened to the devil and stayed home, I would have missed the blessing and so would my children. So, I got dressed in clothes that barely fit ( lost 20 lbs during my short depression I will call it) my hair was just there and a somber attitude. There was no joy on Sunday,  even though I knew I was going to the house of the Lord.
      As per usual, I tried to contain the tears as praise and worship service goes forth. Testimonies and praises go forth and normally I can't contain my tears. I was being stubborn because I would have rather been in my bed but when I tried to lay back down I heard the Lord clear as day say, "GO!"  Praises were going forth and the prophetess sent for me. I took off my coat and approached the pulpit. What she told me broke the flood gates and the tears began to flow. She said the devil has done too much to you lately and now its time to stomp on his head. I really couldn't tell you what happened next because I don't really remember.  I just remember being on the floor sobbing uncontrollably,  thanking and praising God. When I was able, I rose to my feet and attempted to go to my seat. I was out of breath and woozy and I could not stop the tears.
       Not long after I took my seat the prophetess called my daughter. Oh and the things she told my baby, I knew it was no body but the Lord. My baby girl cried and praised and I sobbed uncontrollably yet again. As I sobbed I felt someone sit next to me and put their arms around me...it was my middle son Joshua and that made me sob even harder.
     Needless to say we had an awesome time in the Lord. My bff said, some chains were broken and thay my baby girl will never be the same. So monday morning she rose unbeknownst to me and took a shower. When the heat cycled off, I heard my daughter in the shower singing....the song playing was Nobody Greater. You have no idea what that did to my soul. My soul cried hallelujah!  I was on full all over again. Full of joy and pride and gratitude that the Lord saw fit to touch my baby and the chains that held her in bondage. She now knows that He truly loves her and that she has a purpose as one of His chosen.