Confronting your past, to propel your future

     In writing this book, I had to confront my past. I've never been ashamed of it. I always knew that everything happened for a reason, I just didn't know to what end. I didn't like all of it, some of it lead me down dark paths, but the Lord always called me back. People always told me that I was stronger than I thought. That someone else who had gone through what I'd been through would not have survived it. That was evident in the many people I'd met who had completely gone to one extreme or another as a result of some trauma or hurt. And for some reason they were always attracted to me. I could not figure out for the life of me, why all of my friends, in my opinion, were bat-crap crazy! I kept asking the Lord why I kept encountering these people.
     It wasn't until I had children of my own that it started to make sense. My daughter had friends that had major issues. They were always at my house and always wanted to talk to me. WTW!!! Lord, will I ever get away from people who can't handle their own lives? I know, that sounds really harsh, but years of not having really close friends made me cynical and unable to be sensitive to others issues. I didn't have anyone that I could rely on like that, no one to dump all my issues on. So why do they keep coming to me? My issue with not wanting to deal with other peoples issues kept me from realizing my purpose in the kingdom, when dealing with other peoples issues is part of my purpose. I talked to them and told them what they needed to hear. I tried to help them as best I could. Of course, teenagers will always do what feels good to them. My own children didn't and don't listen to me. It's not until something happens and they realize the truth in what I had told them previously, that they get it. Sometimes people will only get it when something happens. My main goal in raising my children was to train them up in the way they should go and to keep them from making unnecessary mistakes through my own experiences.
     Not just with my children and their friends, but with people I encountered on the job as well. I didn't realize the scope of my influence on the job, lol. I was a hot mess, but in all the people I encountered, didn't try to make them a hot mess too. I wanted everyone else to be better. Well, let's tell the truth, most of us use to be a hot mess. Some of the people I encountered were a hotter mess than me. I tried to influence them to be better. My hot-messed-ness was on a whole different level. Most women I encountered were in toxic relationships and wouldn't let go, I refused to be in a relationship at all, lol. My claim to fame was never settle down, never let em see you sweat, don't stick around long enough for them to catch feelings, lol. Hey! I'm not anything if I'm not honest!
     So imagine my surprise when it all started coming together. When the frozen layers of my heart began to melt and I actually wanted to help the youth. I mean, it's bad enough that we don't learn the truth about religion and God until we're adults, but it's even worse that the youth of this generation aren't even learning the little that we learned as youth. Grandmothers are so much younger these days and are still out clubbing and kickin it to truly be grandmothers. Instead of teaching the babies, they are drinking and smoking with them. No one attends church because they have witnessed so much death and destruction, hardly anyone believes there is a God anymore.
     I have seen the same traumas I endured as a child in a lot of these young girls today. They don't have to say a word, their behavior speaks for itself. I want so badly to tell them that this is not who they are meant to be. That there is Man that loves them unconditionally and will never hurt them or leave them as many of their fathers or male relatives have. Of course you have to gain their trust first, though. These children trust no one. They feel like everyone is against them and no one knows what they've been through. Trust me, been there, done that, bought a t-shirt. They have no clue how many people are out there that truly understand and want to help, because no one wants to confront their pasts. No one wants to admit or share the horrors of their youth to help this generation survive.
     Then you have parents that get angry when you try to help their child. They have no intentions on doing it, but don't want you to do it either. What ever happened to it takes a village? You can't say two words to someone's child without them wanting to come and fight you like we're still in high school and when their child starts getting into trouble it's either a major shock or it's like they knew it would happen eventually. WTW!!! We have to do better by our youth. This generation will not be the future if we don't help them survive the present. That means, swallowing our pride and sharing the wisdom we gained from our elders or even trial and error. However you obtained it, it must be shared. Give this generation hope for a future.
     I heard someone say that this generation is just lost, that there is no hope for them. I refuse to believe that. The way the world is right now, we have to band together so that this generation can make it better. That starts with a firm foundation. It may not come from home, it may have to be you. Our teachers have lost hope in our youth, they are unwilling to continue to try. It's become too much dealing with these unruly children and their ghetto parents. The system has broken down and failed our teachers who were the second line of defense for these kids. So now where do they go? What do they do?
     What will you do? Can you admit to being broken, relive your past by telling your story to empower someone else? Can you imagine the blessing that will flow when you embrace your past to help someone else? No one ever said it would be easy. Life was not and is not easy for most of, but it can be better......for you and the lives you touch.

The Wait

     It's been approximately 5 or 6 years since my radical transformation, the beginning of the prophesies over my life and the revelation of who I was to become, began. And still I wait. It has, by no means, been easy. I have fallen off more times than I care to admit and most of the time was spent fighting the inevitable. I've been discouraged and disappointed, but still I wait. What keeps me while I wait? The fact that I know my purpose and the great things it will do in the Kingdom. I don't know if anyone else has struggled with finding themselves or their purpose in life as much as I have, but the fact that I finally know gives me great peace.
     For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:3 Wait, according to Strong's means to long for. So if we rewrite this scripture, it says, For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, long for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
     During my childhood, I felt so isolated. Moving around constantly, never having a stable home or friends that would be there through it all, kept me in a constant state of loneliness. Growing up SDA did not help at all. It made me stand out like a sore thumb and kept me the butt of jokes because I couldn't hang out and party on Friday nights like everyone else. Through everything I'd been through, I questioned why I was still here. A common question of most people that have been through horrendous situations. I tried to assimilate myself into my surroundings and I did, but only for a time. It was like the Lord truly had a hedge around me. I did my dirt, but I never got in as deep as some of my friends and if I did, He always had a way of escape (that apparently, I took). I felt like I was in a bubble, because for all the dirt I did, I don't think I ever felt dirty. Does that make sense? No matter what I did, I could never fully become the people I was surrounded by. He never let me go down the rabbit hole. Even when I was being self destructive, He held on to me and I never knew why. I couldn't figure it out. I always wondered why I couldn't do all the things that my friends were doing or even the things that I wanted to do that they weren't. It wasn't until I was an adult, that I realized I had been set apart for a reason.
     When He began to reveal who I was to become, He also revealed how the transformation hadn't just taken place in my adulthood. He showed me all the things that had happened to me that made me who I am and how He would use it all. I was afraid at first, still unsure exactly where He was going with all of it. I've never been one to want to be on the front lines, I wanted to be a medic. I wanted to be one of the ones in the background that helped patch up those on the front lines and send them back out into battle. Ha! Little did I know! A sprinkle of this tragedy, a smidge of that disaster, and a dollop of some pain where all steering me toward His final product. I am excited to see the final reveal. When all of His promises are made manifest. That's what keeps me while I wait.
     I have gone through stages of waiting. I began to scrapbook. That was definitely a gift I had no clue I possessed, but it served as something to keep me occupied and out of trouble. At the time I began to scrapbook, I was teetering on the edge of the old and newer me, leaning more towards the old me. But thankfully, my God-sister introduced me to it and it held my attention for 3 three years. Making things that were divinely inspired gave me peace and kept my mind from being idle. Starting this blog years ago was one of the stages, but it was not yet time. How do I know? Well, my house was broken into and all three laptops were stolen and I never got them back from the police, (no surprise there).  Losing my parents and all my worldly possessions  allowed me to seek the Lord more deeply. I had nothing else to do. He would give me message after message that caused me to study the Bible more than I have ever studied anything in my life. I didn't study that hard for my NCLEX. Upon going back to church, I was forced to share these messages. I say forced because this was one of the times that I was fighting in vain against what I felt the Lord was leading me to. Anyone else see the progression?
      Now almost 5 or 6 years later, He is still giving me messages that I share here on the blog I started years ago. A blog that was initially started to share my scrapbook creations with the world. And still I wait. I wait for the manifestation of the things He promised me. My Adam, whom He told me would be the complete fulfillment of my purpose. No, He didn't say he would complete me, but this, what I'm doing now is only part of what God gave me to do. My Adam will have the other half of another ministry He gave me and I can't wait!!! Am I still skeptical about marriage, of course. Coming from a broken home and seeing dysfunctional marriages my whole life, I still wonder if I'm even capable, but if the Lord said it I believe it. And still I wait.
     Take a look at your life, ask the Lord to reveal His plan for you and watch how He breaks down the path you had to take to get to where we are now and where He plans to take you from here. God is awesome that way. All we have to do is ask and then wait. Waiting does not mean being idle. Let's get that straight. It means have faith that the Lord will do what He said He will do while He prepares you to receive it. In the meantime, do whatever He has given you to do now. It all serves as steps to the newer you. The you, you were meant to bein Him. Your job could be part of the steps. Ever wonder why He placed you in the profession you're in. Your children or your marriage could be what He wants you to focus on right now. Just ask, wait for the answer, and keep your hands out of it once He reveals it. Don't try to "help" Him move things along. He has a perfect plan and us in our sinful state can do nothing even close to what He can.
      

Not now doesn't mean never

     Over the course of the past couple of years, so much has been revealed to me. The problem with that, however is that no one ever tells you that prophesy and revelation may not be for right now. We know the Lord does not operate in time. We know that His time is not our time, but they never tell you what that really means. It took a while for me to realize that whatever was revealed to me doesn't mean that it's for right now.
      Disappointment had kicked in well before I realized that this was the case. I was impatient, wondering why the stuff I was told and saw wasn't coming to pass. I will not lie, I was throwing a tantrum like a two year old. I was praying and asking the Lord what is the problem, doubt started setting in. Maybe I didn't hear or see what I heard or saw. In the midst of all the visions, dreams, and prophesies, I had begun to envision what should happen according to what I had seen and heard. Pretty much convincing myself of how I thought things should go. They say, the Lord never does anything the way we expect Him to, because He knows the end. He knows the way things should go to get to an expected end. Our limited minds can not fathom the things of the Lord, but we spin these fantasies according to our limitations as humans and end up disappointed. Sometimes, the Lord is just waiting for us to let go of our preconceived notions, for us to exhaust our limited resources and brain power before He moves. It's not to be mean, but He needs us to realize that it was Him. That it was not our in our own strength that this thing was accomplished.
     I had to refrain from taking things into my own hands. We have a tendency to want to help God and mess up the whole thing. Causing whatever it was to be postponed or take another route. It's confusing being a new creature in Christ. I've always been a Christian, but I was never this in tune with my Father. So you hear people say wait on the Lord and then you hear other people say the Lord helps those who help themselves. When does which one apply. How do you know when to just wait and how do you know if you should move in faith?
     Well, waiting for your spouse requires that you both wait and help yourself. Now that doesn't mean go out dating everyone or interviewing for the position. Let me explain. I am a home body. I prefer to be at home doing whatever it is I feel like doing whether it be writing, reading, or doing something mindless like watching YouTube. My best friend told me that my Adam was not going to just walk up to my door and say, "Hi, The Lord sent me, I'm your Adam."   Now, let's not get it twisted, the Lord could do that if He wanted to, but in most instances this is not the case. So, in order to meet my Adam, not find, because he should find you, I need to get out more. Have I done it? No. The Lord knows my heart, He knows my circumstances. Working midnights, I just have no energy to do much of anything  during the day except sleep. Could I find another job? of course. Could I start working day shift, most definitely, but that is not what is conducive for my household. I need to be available during the day. I have teenagers that are always on the go. They need a ride here or a ride home. There's no rest for the weary, lol
     Anyway, So even in waiting for the Lord to send my Adam, I've been told that I have to get out of the house and become more active. This is not the case for everything you're waiting on. Sometimes you can move in faith, make the wrong move and be disappointed when it doesn't work out. Well, did the Lord tell you to do it? It's a tad frustrating trying to navigate this whole faith thing. The key, however, to being successful is to stay in constant communication with our Father, stay in His word. Constantly seek Him and He will reveal things to you. Just keep in mind, that He gives no time frame. He doesn't give specific dates. There are a lot of variables that play into prophesies and visions coming to fruition. For one, we have free will. Like I said before, sometimes we can try to "help" the Lord and mess things up. I learned that we have to want His perfect will. If we pray for something smaller than what He has for us, that's what we'll get because you've put the Lord and His awesome power in a box. We have to want the great things He has for us, believing that our all powerful, all seeing Father has THE BEST for us, not just mediocre.
     Sometimes, you will feel like He isn't speaking to you at all. It could be that you're not sitting still to listen or He's waiting for you to do what He told you before. We just have to trust that even though we don't hear from Him, that He is still moving on our behalf. What we want, may not be what's best for us at that time.  Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14., because not now doesn't mean never.

My Adam and His list

     I was told years ago to make an Adam list. A list containing all the qualities I would like in my husband. The Lord did say write the vision make it plain. So, that's what I did. I must say though, that my initial list was just a rough draft. Superficial, in accordance with my limited exposure. I say that because, as I grew in Christ, my list began to change. As I came in contact with different people I saw things that I hadn't even known were desirable, because I had not been exposed to them. My list transformed much to my surprise. Besides that, I had gone from never wanting to be married, to knowing that I would be married and fighting it, to I actually think I might want to be married. So as my perspective changed, so did my list.
     My Adam has no specific color, race, or creed. He needs only to be a man of God, who believes whole heartedly that Jesus died on the cross for us and rose again. That He is the master of the universe and without Him we can do nothing. He has to know who he is in the body of Christ, his purpose in life, and know for a fact that I am meant to be a part of his purpose and vice versa. Physically, I would prefer him tall...taller than me just isn't saying much and despite my own extra fluffiness, I prefer that he have a nice physique. Call it what you want, I'm just being honest!!!
     Have you taken a good look at your list? Do you even have a list or will you be satisfied with just whatever and whomever? Have you become so desperate that you will chose anyone to escape being alone; to get to know yourself, your purpose in the kingdom, and what you have to bring to the table?
Do you know who you are? Do you know what needs to be worked on within yourself that should probably be done before your Adam arrives?
     Oh! Let me address why I call him my Adam. He can be your Boaz, but give me my Adam. Everyone knows the story of Adam and Eve. If you don't, read the whole Bible and you'll find it. Adam was made first, in the image of God and naked. Set in a beautiful garden, given one of the most important jobs that would affect the entire world even now. Even after those tasks were completed, the Lord decided that Adam should not be alone. He put Adam to sleep took a rib from his side and created Eve. I don't know about anyone else, but that fact alone is powerful to me. The first marriage took the phrase two become one to a whole different level. Adam and Eve never having earthly parents were made specifically for each other. No bad experiences or heartbreak to overcome. No baggage to pull from storage for show and tell, so that your spouse gets to know all of you and what they have to deal with. No walls to be broken down.
     They were in the midst of paradise to enjoy one another and their communion with the Lord. As we also know, the enemy slithered in and deceived Eve and convinced her to sin. We can sit and debate who's fault it was that sin entered the world, we can sit and wonder where Adam was that the enemy was even able to get to Eve, but if we do, we miss the bigger picture. The bigger picture is why did the enemy seek to destroy the first marriage? What was his motivation? Yes, Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, no longer to enjoy life stress free without physical labor; knowing the fullness of God providing all their needs and having a one on one relationship with Him, but there was a deeper motive behind the enemies actions.  One that would curse us for generations.
One that would touch every race, creed, and color; no respecter of persons, financial achievements, IQ,  or geographical location. This one simple deceit, kept anyone from even knowing the fullness of the blessing of marriage and its purpose, because we've been distracted by the blame game and the enemy knew if he could plant one rotten seed, it would sprout rotten fruit and disease the whole institution of marriage through the ages.
     Thusly, my Adam list had to change. Did I really write it out as a guideline for Jesus to follow? No. I was instructed to write it, but made me check my own motives, to gauge my faith, and what I truly believe is my calling and purpose in life. It turned into an outline for what I needed to concentrate on within myself. As I wrote and rewrote and wrote it again, the Lord would ask me specific questions pertaining to me. I was like Lord, this isn't about me, this is about the man you're sending to me. Then He asked, are these the same qualities that you possess? How can you ask me to send you someone with these qualities when you don't possess them yourself? Well! It was like cold water being splashed in my face on a cold, frigid night. It made me check myself. After the enemy decided at that very moment to remind me that I never wanted to get married anyway. Reminding me of all my flaws and issues I used as a barrier between me and marriage.
     I actually listened to his foolishness and slid back into my old way of thinking and in hindsight it didn't take much coercion. Which just let me know, I wasn't completely sold on the idea anyway. I found myself saying the things I had promised the Lord I'd stop saying when people asked if I was married. Because you know there is power in our words. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, what we speak is our reality. The enemy can't read your mind, he can only plant seeds of negativity there, it's not until you speak things aloud that he is privy to our inner thoughts and can act upon them.   
     I completely understand why people are looking for their Boaz. I've read the story, multiple times. I get it. Boaz finds Ruth in his field, gleaning after his handmaids. He takes a liking to her, despite knowing her story, that she was a foreigner and a widow. He was her kinsman redeemer. I know we would like for someone to take us as we are, see us and not our past, love us anyway. I even get that Ruth's life was planned and had already included meeting Boaz, that Ruth was Boaz's rib. I get all of that and I'm not delusional. I know that I am not like Eve. I was not born without sin, like Ruth, I have a history; but there was a purity in the creation of the first marriage. It was purely created for a purpose and while, since the introduction of sin, the purpose has changed, it makes it no less powerful.
     Needless to say, once again the Lord had an opportunity to show me, me. I didn't like it, but I understood. My book is the byproduct of this revelation. These blog posts are part of this revelation. I am passionate about the ministry He's placed on the inside of me and they are burning a hole in my gut, but patience is a virtue He's still working out in me, along with a multitude of other things. Apparently, I am still not ready, so I wait patiently and continue to write.
     I challenge you to make your own Adam/Boaz list, if you haven't already, and see if you measure up. If you don't ask the Lord to fix those things in you that you want to see in your mate. It's amazing how perfect we think we are until the Lord shows us otherwise. I thought I was perfect for me, considering I had no desire to be married. Even had He not said that I would be married, there were things in me that needed to change even to birth the things He put in me. So it was a two-fold assignment. Take the challenge! See how the Lord moves and watch miracles take place in your life.

Being a successful, Christian single in times of duress

     Oh boy! You know there are a lot of things that need to be navigated carefully when you are single. Fear, pain, loneliness.....There are snares waiting to ambush us around every corner, but particularly when it comes to painful situations.
     I lost both of my parents three years ago, three months apart and I was single. It would have been so easy to break my vow of celibacy or go back to drinking to cope, but there are ways to deal with this situations. By no means are they easy to pull off, but with lots of prayer and a made up mind, it can be done.
     I found myself saying, if I can be perfectly honest, that it would be nice to have someone to crawl into bed with. Not even on a sexual level, but in times of duress, we seek comfort. To have someone waiting with open arms to rub my hair and tell me it would be ok, that I would be ok, would have been a soothing balm to my bleeding heart. But! There was no one there offering that place of refuge and recharge. I felt like I had the entire world on my shoulders and had to be strong for everyone else. No different than what I had been doing, but now to add death to the ever growing heap on my shoulders was almost too much. It was awesome, all of the support as the memorials were going on, but what to do when everyone has gone home? What to do when there are no awkward conversations to ignore the pink elephant in the room? What to do when there is a trap awaiting you in the stillness? When the darkness holds more demons waiting to fill the spaces created with the loss? What to do when the only offers of comfort  come in the form of temporary physical escape from temporary people?
     You see people's true colors in the midst of your distress. What they offer, if they offer anything at all, tells you peoples true intentions. The crazy part about it, they say we teach people how to treat us. Did I teach these people that all I needed was sex and all would be right with the world? In the aftermath of death, what does sex have to offer? Nothing! Nothing but more emptiness and sometimes pain. You know you just have to wonder what is going on in peoples minds sometimes, lol. These are the times when a lot of people get the side eye, like Really!!! Are you really serious right now?
     People that you hadn't talked to or seen in ages come out the wood work telling you if you need anything, let me know. Well, you know I could go on about that but I digress. We're talking about how to cope. In the midnight hours, when I was wide awake, staring at the ceiling, all I could do was pray. I told the Lord all the issues I needed help with. I told him everything that I needed to be removed from me. I claimed promises, I yelled and screamed out my frustration. I told you guys, I've never been big on crying, lol, but I'm good at yelling and screaming.
     To keep from falling into the trap of meaningless sex, disappointing my Father and myself; I kept myself away from those type of situations. No, you can not come over. No, we can not go out. It seems a little extreme, but you have to know your limits. You have to have discernment as to people's true motives. Most men assume that vulnerability is an easy segway to getting laid. Be a shoulder to cry on, be supportive and listen and eventually she'll succumb to loneliness. Not even thinking that what women really need they are not willing to give. Not thinking that a women in distress needs more than just physical escape. Knowing full well that when they get what they want, they will disappear.
     That is why we as single women, not just Christian women, but women in general have to know who they are and why they are. In order to fend of the attacks of the enemy, in order to recognize the snares set before you, we have to know our triggers. The enemy knows. He knows what you like, he knows how to push your buttons. Watch and pray. Keep yourself from situations that may cause you to stumble or backslide into old habits.
     Find hobbies, visit new restaurants,  go back to school, be more active in church, travel....there are plenty of things that we can do as single women, to keep from being idle. The phrase, "idle hands are the devils playground" is so true. Sitting at home waiting for something to happen leaves too many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years of idleness where the enemy can replay all your mistakes, highlight your failures and your flaws, remind you of all your losses. Who wants that? There are so many things inside of us that we haven't tapped into. We've spent too much time doing other things, avoiding being with ourselves that we have no clue who or what we really are.
     In those moments when you are going through, you have to look past, reach around, stretch beyond that moment to something greater. Tell the enemy to get behind you and press on. Look to the hills from which commeth your help, don't look toward man, because he will leave and deceive, disappoint and hurt you. The only thing that truly works when you are going through, is to seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Still Struggling

     Can I just be absolutely transparent and honest? I'm still struggling!
     People.....some people believe that once you give your life to Christ that you no longer sin. That there is an instant transformation. One of the reasons people call Christians hypocrites. I said one of the reasons, I know there are quite a few others, but for this post we're just talking about this instant change that is supposed to take place. This miraculous change where you become perfect, lol. Yes, I'm being facetious.
     Any Christian worth their weight will tell you it's a daily struggle. The enemy has studied us. He knows what we like, he knows what will tempt us. Have you ever noticed that whenever you make a decision to do something or not to do something, distractions and temptations start coming out of the woodwork. Yea, you'll know you're on the right path when that happens. The problem is, most people just give in. You have to fight your flesh and die to self daily. Everyday you have to pray for the strength to not give in or give up.
     It's a daily struggle for me not to curse someone out. It's a daily struggle not to go grab a bottle from the liquor store. It's a daily struggle not to go back to being a predator. Laugh if you will, I'm telling you my struggles.
     I still struggle to believe what the Lord showed me. I struggle daily not to give up and go back to the old me because it was easy, it was comfortable. It is a daily struggle, but evertytime I wake up the Lord has placed a song in my heart so, I sing it. Every day, it seems like Pandora knows the songs I need to hear at any part of the day, to keep me encouraged and uplifted. Everyday, someone reminds me how blessed I truly am and that for all the bad I endured, my greater will cover and surpass it all.
     So be not weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not! Galatians 6:9.
     More scriptures for overcoming temptation:
1 Corinthians 10:13
Matthew 26:41
James 1:13-16
James 4:7
Ephesians 6:11
James 1:2-4

After becoming celibate

     Do you know what it feels like to shed your old man? Do you know what freedom feels like?  It was prophesied to me maybe 4 years ago, that I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. Guess what! It was true. When I began to embark on this journey, the old me began to fall away little by little. Strangely it started with my hair; I went natural. I've never been one really big on make-up. Fashion was never my thing...my addiction is undergarments, I know, TMI. So the only thing the Lord could really work on was me. The real me. The me I pretended to be. The illusion I showed the world. And layer by thin, transparent, glutinous, painful layer He peeled me like an onion until my core was laid bare. Sometimes I even felt like I was being fried.
     It was the best thing for me. I stopped clubbing, I stopped drinking, the last vestige of my old self was to stop having sex. Now anyone who knows anything about the church and the Word, knows that premarital sex is a sin. We were never told why, but we'd all heard it as youth. So as an adult, after having searched the Word and finding out the why's of it all, I definitely knew what I was doing was wrong. Could I have stopped on my own? Probably not. It took one catastrophic incident and I was convinced it was time to let it go. The situation had nothing to do with sex, but everything that came with it. I knew in order to let go of the drama attached to sex, I had to let go of my attachment to sex.
     You know, the drama.....how men equate sex with love. If you're not sleeping with them, you don't love them. Or my all time favorite, because you had sex with them, they somehow have ownership of your body. Or!.....No, I'm kidding, but I could go on for days. Those issues right there and a few more, lead me to my decision. Had to let it go.
     After the first week, I realized that the fog was lifting from my mind. Like, I could tell the enemy was losing his hold on me. It was like not eating read meat for a while. You have more energy, you can think better . That is kinda how it felt. After the excitement wore off and my internal celebration had ceased, I was left with the question, what next? What do I do with myself now? I had my own reasons for even still indulging in sex, now that the Lord had given me the strength to let it go...what now?
     Oh the things you can do! It sounds really corny, but you can do you. Not in the sexual sense, but you can do you, like learn to enjoy being around yourself. Not filling empty space with someone that isn't forever only temporary. Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Allow the Lord to reveal hidden gifts and talents and cultivate them.
    It's funny when I tell people that I'm celibate, they literally gasp and then people comment, "girl, I don't know how you do it." What's interesting to me, is that most of them are married. Well of course you don't know how I do it because you're married. You have a spouse to get it from. I, on the other hand, do not. Thusly, I am celibate. People ask questions like, you aren't gonna sample the goods before you get married? WTW! No! Well, how will you know if he's any good? LMBO! I'm sorry, that one get's me all the time and this is coming from women. I have to explain to them, my Father who art in heaven, who knew me before He formed me in my mother's womb; He knew my entire life before I even existed. He knows every hair on my head, He knows the number of tears I've cried. I think He can handle choosing the perfect man for me.
     With the blinders of carnality off, I was able to go deeper into what marriage should be. Sex, is still very important to me, but for wholly and completely different reasons. He was able to break down the dynamics of sex and intimacy and why the enemy sought to corrupt it. Ever wonder why sex is one of the first things to go when a marriage isn't going well. Husbands and wives alike are withholding themselves from their spouse and the enemy rejoices and then he attacks....
     Ok, that is a different story for a different time.
     In refraining from that very thing that redirected who I was at such a young age, He was able to show me the damage that it truly did and the damage that I continued to heap on my own head afterward. In refraining, I am focused on the things I should have been focused on years ago. In refraining from sex, He was able to reveal to me those things He's spoken over me in my mother's womb. He was able to uncover the gifts and talents that had lain dormant in my spirit, when I was focused more on Him. Have mercy! He was able to show me the real me. He was able to show me how He sees me. He showed me that despite my past and my mistakes and my set-backs, He still sees His beautiful creation without a spot or wrinkle. He still sees me as a bright and shining star. No man can ever give you that peace. No man can ever love you the way our Father loves us and when you shed the skin of your old self, forsaking fornication or sin of any kind and take our Father's hand allowing Him access to the deepest, darkest places that He knows exist and let Him clean them out and restore His light where only darkness stood....your next will come.
     Are you willing to shed your old man? Are you truly ready for your next?

When "IT" was no longer enough

     Have you ever had an it that just didn't do it for you anymore? Without warning, without provocation, it just ceased to do whatever it was that it was supposed to do. You tried to increase doing it, maybe more of it would make it work again, but it didn't. You didn't ask for it to be removed, you hadn't prayed about it. It just stopped being it. Did you try to replace it with another it that just couldn't touch it? Was it a person, place or thing that was your it? Did you pick your it back up, despite the fact that it was no longer working, because it was familiar? Have mercy!
    That was the Lord removing something that you no longer needed. You didn't have to ask for it to be removed, it was just time for it to go. Whether it was drinking, cigarettes, marijuana, crack, cocaine, sex, homosexuality, a he or she. The Lord saw fit to remove it.
     I had several its, lol. The first it He removed was alcoholism. I was up to drinking a 5th of Remy V.S.O.P every two to three days. I would stop on the way home from work every other morning and grab that bottle. I justified it by saying that was the only way I could fall asleep after working midnights. I would also say, that I could be a pill popper like some of the other nurses I worked with. I was at the hospital for 8 years. I didn't stop drinking until two years before I left. So for 6 years, a 5th of Remy V.S.O.P. every couple of days. Why did it stop? I didn't ask for it to stop, I hadn't prayed about it, it was just time for it to go. Two years later, my kids father stopped being my it. I would pick him back up continuously because he was familiar. Those were my major it's that just ceased to be enough.
     Nope, I take that back. My mother was my it. My mother had my back through whatever. I relied on her heavily, she was all I had left in this God-forsaken city. All of my "friends" had moved away and I was stuck. It was just me, her and the kids. He took her. I am truly grateful that He stopped her pain, but in taking her He left me "alone." But what He revealed to me was that she was the final crutch that had to be removed before I fully depended on Him. She was my it and she was not enough to do what it was that He needed to be done in me. She had done her part. She brought me in the world, raised me as best she could, and now it was His turn. Death is final, I couldn't pick her back up. Truth be told, I almost didn't pick myself back up after losing her. We didn't have the best relationship and I low-key resented having to take care of her the way I did, but as I stated before she was all I had left up here.
     We hardly ever know why the Lord does what He does and even when He does grace us with an explanation, some times it still doesn't make sense. If you do recognize, however, the hand of the Lord moving, don't question it. Don't scream bloody murder, while having a death grip on it. Is that it more important that whatever the Lord has in store for you? He is not the author of fear! Being afraid to let a thing go is merely the result of us believing the lies the enemy whispers in our ear. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap of faith and trust the Lord will catch you. Not jumping to catch that thing though, because there is no telling where you may land chasing that thing. We all have had detours and obstacles, post-ponemnets (is that a word? lol) and disappointments mostly because it was too hard to let a thing go.
     When it, is no longer it, just let it go. The thing waiting to take it's place is far greater!

What sucks about being single!

     Let me tell you! There are moments when being single really, really sucks! When all of your friends are married. Don't get it twisted, I'm not hating by any means. I am happy for each and every one of them. The issue is, and call me selfish if you wanna, they are no longer available to be my friend. I get the whole marriage thing, please believe me, I understand, but we can no longer be the friends we use to be when you've now married who you deem to be your new BFF.
     In the word, Paul talks about the difference between a virgin and a married woman. A virgin has more time to devote to kingdom work. A married woman cares more for the world and how to please her husband. How does that relate to friendship? A single friend has more time to hang out and talk. When you need them, they are more available. A married friend, now has a family and a spouse to devote their time to. Have you ever had that friend that calls you but can't talk because they are talking to everyone else in the background? Or you text them and tell them specifically to call you when they have time. That means when you have time to listen to me, give me a call. Yet, they call you in between doing things and are constantly telling you to hold on or that they will call you back every 5 seconds. Or when they call you, that thing you wanted to share with them isn't relevant because whatever is going on with them becomes the topic of conversation.
     Once again, no hate intended. My friends at this point in my life are ministers. so when I call, its because I had a revelation I want to share, because I have a question, or I want to bounce an idea off of someone before I finalize a message. I don't really have life things going on. The Lord has me in such a place that the world almost doesn't exist outside of work and home and I'm ok with that, but when something does happen, I want to be able to share it or call and say hey pray for me. Here lately, that has not been the case. Have you ever felt like your friendship makes you the mistress, lol? Like they can only talk to you when the spouse isn't around in order to be able to have a real conversation, and even that has diminished quite a bit. Now of course, we know things change when people get married. It's not hate, it's just time to find new, single friends. Not just any friends though. I need friends whose lives are rooted in the Lord. I don't want to have meaningless conversations about nothing. I don't want to hear about your baby daddy/mama drama. I don't want to hear about your social media beef...I am so past that.
       I have realized again, that I am at another point in my life where the Lord is purging me. I realize that this about to be another season in my life where things fall off. This is a season in my life where He needs me to depend solely on Him. In order to do what it is He wants me to do, I have to be isolated so I can hear directly from Him. He wants me to talk to Him about everything. He wants all of the things we think are too trivial to Him, He wants every aspect of our lives. Being alone in my singleness has an entirely different meaning for me. Does it get lonely, do I feel lonely? Sometimes and not at all. When I spend time with Him and do what it is He wants me to do, there is no room for loneliness and I'm not alone.
    Yes, He put in us the desire to be with someone else, but we have to have a relationship with Him first. Just like children, we build a relationship with our parents as we grow. We learn from them and spend most of our lives with them. Once we are old enough or are mature enough, then we can go out into the world and utilize those things that we learned; good or bad. Our Father, the Creator is no different. If we go to Him as children, He can teach us all the stuff we didn't learn as children or He breaks down the wrong things we learned and then replaces it with all the right stuff. IF! If you make time to spend with Him. In order to meet my Adam, I have to stop talking to someone else's. Whew!

Self Diagnosis vs World Diagnosis

     Now, self diagnosis is not a bad thing as long as there is confirmation, divine confirmation. How do you get divine confirmation? You ask for it. During those moments when you spend time with your Father and you ask Him to reveal those things in you that are not pleasing to Him and fix them. When you ask Him to search your heart. Of course He knows your issues and their origins, but He needs you to realize them so you can release them to Him. The important part is to release them. I held on to mine for years. I used them as excuses not to receive everything the Lord had for me, probably including my Adam. This journey is about releasing all those things that hinder you from being the best you in Christ.
     When I was younger I use to think that being a Christian was boring. Being raised SDA, there was so much we couldn't do, so I refused to give in completely. Everyone I looked at that was older just seemed like the most boring people in the world. The things they would come up for us to do just seemed like the lamest things ever. I was young, in my preteen and teen years. So I chose to live a double life. I was (for the most part) and angel at church and a hellion in the street, because the things your friends are doing just seem so much more fun than what the church was doing. I was tired of being called the church girl because I couldn't do anything from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. You know, when all of the dances, all of the games at school, all of the house parties took place on Friday night. I wanted to be normal, according to the worlds definition of normal.
     From an early age, I had been having dreams and visions that would come true. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn't know anyone else that had that "gift," not that shared it with anyone else anyway. So, I carried this burden as a child. If/when I shared it, no one believed me or they dismissed me because I was a child. The first time was the death of my great grandmother. I can't explain how I knew she had passed but I knew. The only adult that was present was my mother's brother who was a skeptic about everything, lol. I said two simple words, "she's gone." I couldn't explain how I knew, I just did. He asked me how I knew and I was just like I just do. Of course, he dismissed it like I didn't know what I was talking about, but sure enough she was gone. From then on, I pretty much kept my visions to myself.
     Oh Man! The Holy Spirit just revealed something to me. Thank you Lord. There was a point in my early childhood, I believe 9 years old, that I would go into these deep trance like states. It would make my mother so angry because she thought I was just ignoring her. I talk about it more in detail in my book, but the Holy Spirit just revealed to me that those were the times that He would download things into me and help me resolve some of the things I had been through. Whew! It really explains a lot. It explains why people believed I was much stronger than I was. If He was taking the majority of my pain, pouring into me and showing me things, it makes sense that I'm still standing and didn't commit suicide like the enemy tried to convince me to. God is so good! Which also explains why I've always known my issues and kept the venomous spirit I carried from infecting anyone else.
    I know some of this stuff sounds far fetched. Had I not developed a deeper relationship with my Father I probably would have given someone else the side eye had they tried to tell me some of this stuff. But I tell you, when you go deeper in the Lord, He reveals so much. Results may vary though, because everyone is not capable of the depths that some others can go. Or, they weren't meant to go as deep as others. So don't base your results on anyone else's journey, just focus on yours.
     World diagnosis....that is a whole different beast. World diagnosis is detrimental to some peoples life. I don't doubt that there are some therapist, psychologists and psychiatrist that can actually help people, but they couldn't help me, lol. For years people tried to get me to see someone. "You need someone to talk to." Little did they know. I journaled daily, the Lord heard my every cry, every day. Me and the Lord had a thing, even when I didn't want a thing with Him, lol. Of course you don't realize it until much later in life, but He was there the entire time. But world diagnosis can kill people literally and/or spiritually. Prescribed medication alters mental function and opens a gateway for things far worse than what the meds are suppose to help, which is also another story for a different time.
     World diagnosis never gets to the root of an issue and if it does it doesn't teach you or tell you how to uproot it. How do you get over it, past it? Because it comes from a worldly view, it hardly ever points you to Jesus. Sometimes, even in church, it doesn't teach you HOW to leave your issues at the alter. Yes, everyone has a cross to bear, but the strength to do so only comes from one place. We can not do it in our own strength. When you press into the Lord and seek Him, He will show you what and He will uproot it if you allow Him to.
     All the self help books will only get you excited, it will not fix you. The problem begins with the title of this genre of books.....SELF help. If you are a child of God, you know that you can not do it alone. It may appear at times in life, that we are doing it on our own, but guess what! There are only two ways to get the things that we have; we can be  agents for the enemy that promises nothing but wealth, popularity, and earthly things, but can not promise you eternal life like being obedient to the Father does. IJS!
    Anyway, don't let the world diagnose your ailments. Stop googling your symptoms  trying to find homeopathic remedies to cure your spiritual ailments, just open your Bible and seek the Creator. He knew what your ailments would be and only He has the cure!

Lies of the enemy

     The enemy has a plethora of lies he tells us on a daily. The greatest lies are those he tells to single women. Anything and everything he can say or do to keep you from your Adam. To those who have been raped or molested or promiscuous, you're dirty and unworthy of love. To those from broken homes, orphaned or adopted, no one will ever love you. To single mother's, this is the best you will ever get. To women who grew up in abusive homes, he doesn't love you if it doesn't hurt. To women raised by single mother's, you don't need a man they're good for nothing anyway.  Sooooooo many lies that we fall for, missing out on the greatest gift our Father wants to give us.
     As adults we've become good at adapting and surviving, because our pasts dictated that we do so. We've become shells of who we could have been as women. If he can't handle me (my attitude and neuroticism), he's weak. I'm an independent woman, I can't be submissive. Submission is for weak women. No man is going to run over me. I can do everything a man can do, I don't need a man.
     I will be the first to tell you, they are all lies! I use to believe them myself. My claim to fame was my independence, being raised by a single mother. I took on the lie because I watched my mother in one bad relationship after the other and decided, I didn't need them. I am a strong black woman, handling mine. I don't need a man. I can fix my own car, fix a leaky pipe, hook up the DVD player, and pay the bills. What do I need a man for? The enemy fights just as hard to keep people single as he does to break up marriages.
     Something to think about. Outside of the Sabbath, the Lord blessed and sanctified marriage. Right after He created the universe He ordained marriage. It obviously was important. Keep in mind, the Lord knew how things would unfold. He knew the enemy would deceive Eve and it would cause a rift between men and women for generations. How many times have you heard men say if it weren't for Eve, there would've been no sin? Little do they no....but that's a whole different story for a different time, lol. The enemy has been fighting to break up marriages from the beginning. And if we take into consideration the comparison of God's relationship with us being His bride, it makes sense (to me anyway, lol). The enemy pulls out all the stops to keep us from meeting our bridegroom when He comes back. Never the less, He ordained it anyway. He knew the power that two would have. Where two or three are gathered in my name, there will I be also. He abides in marriage, especially those He ordained and are about His business.
     If you prescribe to any brand of deceit, , I emplore you to seek the Father. These lies have hindered us from being our best and receiving the best. These lies have caused the highest rate of depression in women which according to medicine, correlates with heart attacks being one of the top killers of women. Women were not made to carry the weight of their world on their shoulders. Call it what you will, but He Himself said that it is not good for man to be alone. After giving Adam this beautiful garden full of everything he could imagine to eat, he filled it with every creature great and small to occupy his time, yet He knew that it was not be enough. Being three in one in society today is called dissociative personality disorder, schizophrenia, and some other unsavory names which all stem from the enemy as well. So! He couldn't make us exactly like Him, but what He did do was put pieces of Himself into each of us. Not all the same stuff, but when placed with the right "ONE," can have a supernatural affect on the world and the fight between good and evil.
     So tell those voices in your head, every time you look in the mirror, that say you don't deserve to be happy, that you are unlovable, that you aren't pretty enough, that you are too fat or too skinny to get behind you. Because you were made in the image of our Father you are more than enough and when you allow Him in to heal your heart, tear down strongholds, and renew your mind; you will be invincible and not of your own volition. You won't have to do anything with your own strength except love the Lord and be obedient, He will do the rest.

Single All My Life

     Oh boy! Here we go....
     About to turn 42 and still single (gasp!).....and ok. How can that be? It just is. Let me tell you my story...maybe someone will understand, lol.
     My parents divorced when I was young. I promise I don't remember how old I was and neither of them are here for me to ask, but I remember the day they told us. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most devastating days of my life. Like most little girls, I dreamed of my prince charming, fashioned after my father because he was the greatest man alive, in my book. The divorce shattered my dream of perfect marriages and families. Of course, my Barbie's still got married and had children, but it was no longer a dream of mine.
     There was a combination of things that made me lose faith in men. My father was MIA for a good portion of my life and my mother "dated" the most unlikely, unseemly suspects that eventually disappointed her and broke her heart. Not to mention, breaking her spirit. From a young age, I decided that marriage was not for me. As I continued to grow up, the marriages that I was exposed to were just as disappointing. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe that marriage is perfect, but I just felt like there should be some happiness in there somewhere. Maybe I missed the happy years and I was left to watch the bitter years. All of my friends parents had divorced or were on their second or third marriages, still seemingly looking for the happiness every one believes comes with marriage, the happily ever after spoken of in fairytales.
     Then when I began "dating" the disappointments continued. Luckily for me, I took the good with the bad. I garnered what I could from each relationship and left the rest behind. Even in my teenage years, the Lord was revealing things to me about men and myself. The compounding of disappointments and hurt left me rather despondent and emotionally unavailable. I became a tad heartless and self-serving. The one thing I knew without a doubt though, was that marriage was/is sacred. I knew that the way I was made up, I was toxic. I knew that if I ever decided to get married, that man would be ripped apart by my words and my past. That was one of my excuses for never getting into serious relationships.  As an adult, I worked too much and didn't have the time to devote to a relationship and I was nowhere near ready to love someone the way they should be loved. Not to mention the fact that I thought the worst of every man and was mentally prepared to physically hurt any man that even though about trying to play me.
     Fortunately, the Lord gave me the sense to steer clear of relationships, to know my weaknesses and breaking points and took away the desire to even be in one. In my book I say he used my issue to keep me. He revealed to me that my commitment issues allowed Him to break down the walls I'd built as a result of all the damage my past had done. He knew that had I gotten married to the wrong man, I probably wasn't coming back to the light, lol. Thusly, He allowed me to stay single and I had resolved in my heart that I would remain single until Jesus came if that was His will and I was/am ok with that even now.
    But God! You know how He has a way of disrupting our plans, lol. I had truly planned to remain single. My children will all be out school in 4 more years, I'll be 46. In the meantime, I was going to get my RN so I could travel the world on someone else's dime, once they were all out of the house. Allowing my career to take me places I would not have been able to go otherwise...but God! The past couple of years have been a journey to healing and self discovery. Did I need healing? I didn't think so, because I was convinced I was going to be single and I was good with my issues, lol. No one else was going to be subjected to me and my issues. Slowly, He started demolishing the wall I had built to keep people out. It was turning into rubble and I was unaware, lol. Piece by piece, issue by issue it came down.  Most of the time, I'm telling you I didn't even feel it. Other times it was like a band aid being ripped off.
     It was quite simple too. It started with short messages, like inspirational devotionals to keep me encouraged because I was going through. Those lead to my deeper curiosity of my purpose, because I was well aware of the gifts He had given me, I just never knew which ones he would use or how. I kept writing and after maybe 5 or 6 of them, they began to tell a story. They began to take this winding turn to a certain destination, which at the time I was still unsure of. What I did know, however, was that God had a plan for me and I needed only be obedient. It lead me through losing friends, family members, jobs, vehicles, being homeless, and almost to the point of giving up.  Yet here I stand, in the ash and rubble of the old me and my old life, stronger and wiser. Looking forward to my next.
     What was especially shocking was that fact that I, me, this woman right here was not destined to be single like I thought or planned. At one point I was excited and on fire about that thing, but I have to be honest. Old fears and insecurities started to creep in. Especially after having been engaged for a few months. A big mistake prompted by pressure from those around me. I allowed the enemy to play with my mind and remind me of who I use to be. He would bring ex's into my life and allow us to reminisce on the good ole days......until I got to thinking that the bad days outweighed the good days or we'd still be together. He tried to use the temptation of physical satisfaction, lol, as bait to make me go back. What the enemy hadn't realized was that the Lord had delivered me from that. He didn't realize that the Lord had purged me of that need for physical contact.
     I've known since I can remember, what my issues are and their origin. My need for physical contact was actually a defense mechanism. I used it for selfish reasons and at the same time using it to keep men from getting close, from getting to see me and my brokenness. I had made it pretty far in life having people believe I had it all together, that I wasn't broken. People believed that I was a strong woman with a good career, raising pretty decent children alone, and taking care of an ailing mother. That I had made it through my childhood unscathed. That was so not the case. Once the Lord started me on this journey, I no longer needed to keep people at bay or get instant gratification from men. He became all I needed. So, I laughed at the enemy...I still laugh at the enemy when he sends certain temptations my way. I must say, though, the words that these men spoke reflected some of the things I'd said in the past. Questioning who would take care of me since my life was dedicated to taking care of others. Their offers were so tempting, but I knew deep down that they weren't for me. Not saying they weren't good guys, just not the guys for me. I am so beyond those temptations. I have turned my attention to who I am in Christ and His plan for my life.
     In the process, He gave me the inspiration to write my book. In times past, I wanted to write a book that was totally opposite of this one. It was directed towards single women but for more carnal and selfish gain. It wasn't for helping women spiritually. So I am so excited about this book. I pray that it will help a lot of women in whatever stage of singleness they are in. This book is for any single woman, struggling with being single. It is geared towards helping us find wholeness and happiness in our singleness. How can we be happy with someone else when we aren't happy with ourselves?
    He allowed me to expose my brokenness and my vulnerabilities in order to help other women, regardless of what people may say or think. Truth be told, I've never given a care what people thought about me, but my need for privacy was the issue. Yea, I could tell people my story but of course we keep certain details to ourselves. He had me bare my soul in order to help someone else. He told me clear as day, that His daughters are lost. We are lost in this corrupt society where sexuality and unattainable outward appearances drive us to be inauthentic. We are not who He made us to be and it grieves Him. He wants to use my story to help restore some of His daughters to their rightful place in Him. He wants to heal them and thus give them the desires of their heart according to His purpose, because don't get it twisted; our lives were bought with a price and thusly must be returned to Him in service and love.
    So, join me on this journey of restoration. Join me in this journey of healing and revelation.