Walking in faith takes strength

          Walking in faith takes strength. A massive amount of strength. Walking into the unknown is a scary thing. You're constantly looking over your shoulder, you'd swear you see things moving in the shadows, and because the path ahead is not well lit you doubt if you're headed in the right direction at all. Having lost my job on July 1st, 2013, I was thrust into darkness. I thought I knew where I was going and what I was supposed to do. Not so, said the Lord. For two years, I was in the wilderness. The canopy of trees allowed no sunlight to enter. From homelessness to bouts of deep depression, I was going through. Miraculously, the Lord was still with me. It didn't feel good and I didn't like how long it was taking but He was still there. In my bouts of depression (which I've come to believe He allowed) He would reveal things to me. Things from my past that I didn't understand and couldn't make sense of as a child. He gave me encouraging messages. He had me to the point where I could only depend on Him. Having lost both my earthly mother and father, He was the only parent I had and He wanted me to know that He was all I needed. 
          At the beginning of this year He allowed me to come out. I'm not completely out, but almost there. He still had/has some things He needed to show me. Some things in me that He had to change and rearrange.  It's been an amazing ride and I'm not even the same person I was 8 months ago when He finally brought me out from among them (the nay-sayers, and negative people that were hindering my walk). I went from loathing the idea of marriage to almost desiring to be in that sacred institution with my Adam. I went from wanting to be a medic (you know, patch 'em up and send them back out) in God's army to wanting to be part of the infantry (on the front lines). In 8 short months, I've realized my purpose and how it will manifest in my life. For years, I wondered what my purpose was.  I struggled with what my life meant in the big scheme of things. In 8 months though, He showed me that my horrible childhood has a purpose. That the very things I fought the hardest against will be what I fight for the hardest for. God is awesome!
          They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to accept that my life was crap just so I could help someone else, but you know what.....I'm glad I went through and made it out. There are plenty of teenagers going through what I went through and I'm honored that the Lord trusts me enough to help them. It's frustrating sometimes and it's hard to deal with the emotions that arise, but it's all worth it.
          The scripture says in 1Peter 1:10, But the God of grace, who has called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. We only have to suffer a little while. It may seem like an eternity to us, but it doesn't compare to the blessing of eternal life for believing in Him, trusting Him, being obedient to Him, and loving Him. Hold on my brothers and sisters. Troubles don't last always. I can say it now, but when I was going through it felt like it was one tragedy after the next and I didn't think I could hold on. I kept asking, how much longer Lord? Haven't I suffered enough? He died on Calvary for us. He endure the whipping, the spear in His side, the crown of thorns, and the nails in His hands and feet so that we would have the victory over everything the devil would throw at us. Hold on, a change is gonna come.
          This is the season of revelation and restoration. All we have to do is hold on and have faith. I am a witness to God's mercy and grace and his unconditional love. He has healed wounds that I thought would never heal. He has given me a new outlook on life and I am excited. Do I get discouraged sometimes? Of course I do. Does it seem like the process is taking to long, that I'll never fully walk into what He called me to do? Certainly! But I stay in the word, I stay in His presence and I know that everything that comes my way now is only because I am so close and the devil wants me to feel defeated and like God isn't listening and doesn't love me. I rebuke satan at every turn and I press on. Looking forward to the day that His promises to me come to fruition.
          I pray that all of my brothers and sisters just hold on, open their hearts and minds to what God has in store so we can march boldly, arm in arm into battle. Faith takes strength. Your tests and trials have given you that strength. Just tap into it and stop looking at the circumstances right now. There is a bigger picture that this time in your life is only but a small part of. Trust our Father in heaven and move with the strength He has given you! You are stronger than you think!

No Child Left Behind....

We have to do better with our youth. They are falling by the wayside, being trampled by life,  kicked, strangled and murdered by the devil.. Everyting they see, hear and even taste is perverted. They need to be better equipped for this battle, not by us just beating them but by telling them how to fight. Showing them how to fight. Telling them the consequences of the path they are choosing to take and sharing our own battles as teenagers. They believe we don't understand because we don't share out of shame or the fact that we are still carrying the guilt. There is healing in helping someone else with your testimony. Dragging them to church every saturday or sunday is all well and good, but make it real for them. Explain to them why they need to be there. I didn't really understand how to have a relationship with Christ. They just tell you you need to have one. They tell you to cast all your cares on HIm because He cares for you, well how do i do that? How do I have faith in something I don't understand? That was me as a teenager. Most of the teens in the church are only there because we make them go. They go through the motions with no real connection to the Creator.They have no real understanding of who God is, how to access Him, how or why to believe in Him.
Be that adult that they turn to when they have questions. Stop letting them turn to this currupt world for comfort and someone to understand them. The devil has taken them captive mentally, it's time for us to take them back!
Will they still choose to learn some things the hard way? Of course they will, but we can't give up on them. Will they still do some stuff that we disapprove of? Of course they will, but we can't belittle them and make them feel stupid. God didn't give up on us. The devil will do enough to make them feel worthless. Our relationship with our youth should reflect our relationship with Christ. Is He not our Father and our best friend? Does He not ask that we bring everything to Him and still chastise us when we disobey? IJS
Raising up a child in the way he should go means equip them for the battle...mind, body, and soul. The battle is intensifying and is directed at our youth. If he can take them out now, he won't have to fight them later. We, as vets in this war, need to train the new recuits with wisdom, discipline, and love. No child left behind....
As a parent, I have always been up front and honest with my children. I never sugar-coated my past. Some may frown upon that, but I needed them to know that I had been where they were. I never wanted them to think that I didn't understand and that they couldn't talk to me. Now, with 3 teenage boys and a 20 year old daughter, there is nothing they won't share with me. Do they keep some things to themselves, I'm sure, but for the most part they tell me everything. Some things, as a parent, I don't want to hear, but because I opened the door I have to stand by my word and be there to listen.
In my head, I'm praying for strength, but on the outside I'm the strong, confident woman they have come to know and love. Then I give the best advice based on the Word, including my own life experience and the outcome that could transpire good or bad. I've taken that approach with my children's friends as well. They know they can come to me about anything. I don't want any child to feel like they don't have anyone to talk to.
I don't want any child including mine to feel like they don't matter, like no one cares or loves them. I know what it feels like to feel so alone that life isn't worth living., By the grace of God, however, I'm still standing. The devil couldn't have me, because the Lord had a plan for my life. So much sometimes it's overwhelming, but I refused to give up then and I refuse to give up now. I refuse to give up on these kids......no child left behind. Any and every child I come in contact with will know that someone understands and loves them.....no child left behind.

It get's better

I found myself weeping uncontrollably yesterday from watching a woman's impromptu performance with a street performer. I could not figure out what the waterworks were about until I spoke with my best friend later that evening. I was trying to listen to the woman's voice because the title said, a random woman with a good voice joins the reggae busker singing three little birds. It wasn't until I spoke with my bff, that I realized it was the words that I wasn't even paying attention to. "Every little thing is gonna be alright". Then I turned around and watched Jessica Reedy sing Better at The Potter's House. My daughter introduced me to the song as she played it all the time and it became one of my favorites. So, I click on the pic in YouTube and she began to moan out the most heartfelt, gut wrenching, sincere version of this song. It's easy to hear a song on the radio or Pandora, but it's an entirely different thing to see the person sing it live. That song blessed me so! At some point, I will tell what my storm looked like over the past 3 years, but just know that that woman and that song had my bawling and wailing, giving thanks to God on my front porch.

You know Paul says, I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound in Phillipians 4:12.

I had never been abased as an adult, I had for the most part been blessed to abound. I thought it was because I had endured the torture of my childhood, that I was finally being rewarded for holding on. Little did I know that even more calamity was about to strike. For three years, I went through. From being homeless to suffering from the generational curse of depression. The Lord took me through, but He also brought me out. That song spoke volumes to me and when she started sharing her testimony through the song, I couldn't not relate. I couldn't not respond in praise. It does get better..it really does. Am I where I want to be? Of course not, but I'm not where I was and I'm not going to stay here either. The Lord said, "Be still and know that I am God". He needed that time from me. He needed those three long years from me, because I could no longer run. I had every excuse in the book why I couldn't sit still and listen to Him, to ignore my calling and the things that I knew He had planted in me.

My abound, was equivalent to "hood rich". I had a decent vehicle, a decent house, a good job, but in my tiny human brain I thought that was enough. I knew I wasn't able to travel or do the things I wanted to do with the kids, but my life as it was was all I could imagine it could be. I didn't know that in my Father it could have been so much more. Now unto Him that is able to exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. ephesians 3:20. I had no power because I wouldn't let him in. I was powerless because I was leaning unto my own understanding. He needed me to see the fault in my thinking, to prove to me that He is who He says he is, and to set me on the path to my purpose.

I struggled so long with finding my purpose. After all that I had been through, I could not find the beauty in it at all. I could not figure out why the Lord would want to use me after all I'd done and had been through. It's amazing how you can run from a thing that you're actually looking for, but God in all His mercy waited patiently for me. In my Jonah-like excursion, however, I was still asking pertinent questions. Questions that lead me to His word even if I didn't visit His house. questions that some He answered and some He did not. Some He answered in the form of a deep revelation. Some He answered in a word from a friend. None the less, He was with me the entire time. It's only been in recent months that He revealed to me the purpose of my storm when He had finally brought me out from amongst the distractions and the nay sayers. Of course, He revealed things in the midst  of the valley, but it was on the mountainside that He began to put it all together.

I had been asking the right questions, I just didn't sit still long enough to see the answer. I have to say see because, He wasn't speaking to me per se. When I sat at the bottom of the mountain that seemed impossible to climb and I felt like I couldn't hear his voice, He was still instructing me. I was still writing and creating. There is something about being able to look up at the sky when you're at your lowest because once you start to soar things don't look quite the same. He showed me how I was climbing the mountain and didn't even realize it. He showed me that once I stopped focusing on the mountain, I automatically started to move. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that He allowed me to stop and look down at where I had started. I'm not at the top by any means, not even halfway there, but I'm definitely no longer at the bottom. He showed me the stitches in my wounds that were healing nicely, He showed me a picture of a heart no longer broken. I still need x-rays daily, to show me the things that still need work. Though my heart is not broken, it is still needs filtering, a spiritual dialysis is you will to continuously cleanse what passes through it. It's a painful and tedious task, it makes you want to just give up sometimes, but it's necessary for growth. He wants to get the best out of us, so He purges those things and people that hinder growth. He removes those character flaws that don't reflect Him

So I am looking to the hills from which commeth my help. Always looking up because I know with every new level I reach there is going to be something great waiting for me. Even if there is some bad there as well, I am well equipped to handle it with my Father having gone before me and walking by my side as I go through.   

trying to organize chaos

It's quite disconcerting that my life has become so chaotic. Not in the normal definition of chaos, but enough for me to feel like i'm just adrift in this thing called life. Floating along just letting things happen with no control over anything.
I've tried several times to organize my life, to plan things, script it out and stick to it. The one thing that continues to hinder any progress is the fact that i work midnights. Scripting and planning things out just doesn't seem to work. Everything depends on the type of night I've had and if i slept before my shift began (which doesn't seem to happen often).
I feel like my children (all 4 of them) and I are missing out on so much because of my work schedule. I've always worked midnights since i became a nurse because of my children and taking care of my mother. Now that my mother has passed and my children are older, i assume its not necessary to work midnights, but it's all I know.
There are so many things i want to do. So many ideas the Lord has downloaded into me, i just don't have the energy or the time because of my schedule. I would really prefer not to work, lol, to pursue my dreams.....but that doesn't seem to be an option. Classes to teach, women's retreats and seminars to organize and host....all just seem like pipe dreams. It's a little depressing actually. I want to be more and do more, but don't know how or where to begin.
I remember asking the Lord, in prayer, one day why He allowed me to become a nurse. Especially on those nights that were so busy and emotionally or physically draining. Those nights when i was really ready to give up and quit. His response was...being a nurse was my training ground, boot camp if you will. That I had to learn to talk to people, to witness, to educate, to encourage, to pray for and not be ashamed. 💡Ah ha! I understood that. At the same time though, I was getting burned out. I needed a break. I was one of those nurses that never called off, never took a vacation, stayed over after a 12hr shift to help out if there was a crisis. I was so burned out. Then had to go home and care for my mom, running her to different doctors appointments or visiting her in whatever hospital she was in at the time. Not to mention, trying to raise for children, alone. It's depressing and tiring just writing it out.
Anyway! Now that she has left us and all my children are teenagers i feel like I've missed so much and they were deprived of so much. Yet! I have no clue how to even begin to fix it now and make the most of the years I have left of them being at home because I still work midnights and I'm still always tired.
I want to give them so much more and be so much more than the mom that just signs papers from school, hands them money for whatever event, and providing basic necessities. I'm afraid to quit my job as a nurse...showing how limited my faith is in the Master. Afraid that I won't be able to afford the bare necessities and survive on the ideas and talents he's given me.
To top all of that off, everyone seems to think that having a husband will solve all my woes. Well, my Adam list is so long and detailed I'm afraid he doesn't exist so I continue to operate as if he'll never show up.
Then I'm premenopausal, i just found out that insomnia is a symptom/ side effect. So the night sweats when i do finally sleep along with the just the down right inability to sleep most nights is driving me  to insanity! I need help! lol

Fighting a battle that is not mine.....depression and anxiety

In light of recent situations,  I have been forced to admit that I have a problem. 30 years in the making....nevertheless,  I refused to acknowledge it or claim it until it could no longer be denied. 2013 was not my best year. In july, my job was phased out. In august, my mom died. In october, my cat was mauled and died. In november, first the love of my life and I parted ways, then my father passed, last I had to move from my home because I was still unemployed and unemployment denied me. Deep breath.....how am I still able to function? The grace of God and my ability to push things aside and smile through it.
What I realized this year was that every thing really does happen for a reason.  We may not always understand but it's true. For a year I have been in this situation, not the best situation but better than it could have been. For a year I've been trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to deserve such a punishment and in the midst of it all the enemy started to speak. I could ignore it for a while, but it seemed he was hell bent on dragging me down. My current situation isn't ideal, several times I reverted to my old self preservation tactics; to turn so deeply into myself that the world doesn't exist. Unfortunately,  I'm not a child anymore. I have children that I feel still need my protection , lol. There was a week that I gave up, let the devil win. In that week that I succumbed, I realized how my mom became chronically depressed and could never come out. The Lord showed me her path to destruction and how I was destined to repeat it if I let the enemy win. So, I had to acknowledge that I have an issue. At times, I am a breath away from allowing depression to take over my life. I haven't seen anyone about it but in hindsight I recognize the symptoms; fatigue, insomnia, unexplainable physical pain, loss of appetite and weight loss.
It takes me back to my childhood when I was diagnosed with abdominal epilepsy. My doctor told me it was from internalizing everything. She told me that I had to find an outlet because internalizing would kill me. The symptoms I had then, the reason my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. ...I would revert into myself so deeply that I would zone out and was oblivious to the outside world and horrible, horrible stomach pains. My mother said she would call me a million times and shake me and I wouldn't come out. So its safe to say that I had a form of depression then, at the age of 9.
It followed me into my teenage years. That's when I began drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and being permiscuous. Using all those things to fill the chasm (void) that nothing ever did.  Enduring hurt after hurt, situation after situation with a smile. Never really dealing with any of it just taking note of the root of each of my issues.
Now, enter my adult years. I suppressed a multitude of things, never dealing with any of it. I am at max capacity and can feel that I'm bursting at the seams. How do you deal with a lifetime of issues. There are fragments,  bits and pieces scattered everywhere.....how do you put them all back together?
The answer is simple (or so they keep telling me)....it's Jesus. They tell me to give it all to him. I am still trying to figure out how to.do that and not pick it up again. I know he is the Ultimate Physician and the Great Comforter, I just can't for the life of me, let go of the past hurts and injustices done to me in my childhood and beyond.  Prayer helps, but just like the children on Isreal; how soon we forget once another situation arises.
So there is an internal struggle, daily. I don't talk to anyone about it, no one really knows what's going on. If they did, they couldn't help anyway, is how I feel. But I press on, I pray on, I smile on in hopes that the Lord would deliver me. The devil would have me believe that I am a failure, that the mistakes I've made put me in this place. While the Lord tells me I am chosen,  an heir, His daughter.
My life's mission is to help save our youth from the snares the devil has set for them. How to persevere and not let their environment or their situations dictate what they will become in life. How not to let the devil deter them from the path the Lord has set. It started with my own children....recognizing the same issues with them. Then as teenagers, bringing their wounded friends to hang out at my house. Me, trying to figure out why in the world do these children want to be around me, lol. Doing my best to encourage them and tell them my story (bits and pieces that is) to let them know they aren't alone and that they can make it through no matter what it looks like. Me, trying to figure out how I can truly help them when I am still damaged goods myself.
The Lord uses us in our mess....in whatever situations we may find ourselves in. He uses us so that others can benifit from our testimonies on how He brought us through. He uses us so that others will see our growth and how the Lord blesses obedience and leaning on him.
Be not discouraged if you are going through. Everything happens for a reason and only lasts a season. There are lessons to be learned in this down time, there are strengths that need to manifest and weaknesses that need to be uprooted. There are things we need to learn about ourselves so that we can better serve him through our understanding. Unfortunately,  us going through is not always for us either. Sometimes it's to help someone close to us or someone that is simply watching our walk. So be careful how you respond to your situations. You may lead someone else to stumble if you yourself do not hold on to God's unchanging hand, looking to the hills from which cometh your help.
Be blessed in this new year. Start it off with a spirit of expectancy that the Lord will do what He said He would do. Trust Him and have faith.

Still trying to let go

It is the strangest thing....wanting to be in the will of God but not really wanting to trust that He knows best. Smh. Still wandering in the wilderness because I have refused to submit my will completely to Him. Still wanting to do things my way. Looking at what he may want for me with my nose turned up...because I don't like how its packaged. The contents aren't what I ordered.  It just plain ole ain't what I want. So what do you do at this point? I tried to pray it away, tried to ignore it, was rude to it, cussed it out, even tried to pawn it. To others it looks ideal, to me it looks like a lifetime of misery. Tried to give it away....didn't work, even tried to just leave it. What He has for us is for us...no matter what it feels like or looks like. If I had my way.....well lets just say I would have chosen differently. So now what do I do? Feeling like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place....what's next?  I even prayed that it would just leave me alone and then I couldn't be held accountable,  right? Wrong, lol. Oh well. Have to learn to submit my entire will unto Him, not just the parts I want him to handle. Gonna be a long ride...
Ask the Lord to replace that spirit of stubbornness with submission. Die to self, take up your cross and follow me. Oh boy!
Feeling trapped, stuck whatever you want to call it leaves you not wanting to pray, I still get in my word, but I can't seem to pray. I want my own piece of something...somewhere I can go and throw a tantrum and cry and just tell the Lord how unhappy I am, and maybe even be able to hear back from him. Ijs....my own quiet place for just me and my Daddy. Maybe then I can hear clearly what He's trying to tell me so He doesn't have to send word through other people. Ijs....Daddy I need a release! Physically and spiritually, help a sista out..

Giving up

I'm giving up.....I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being afraid. What am I giving up? I'm giving up my control to Jesus. He can have it. You would think that with my current station in life that I would have surrendered a long time ago. I guess I should clarify. I'm still trying to figure out the Lord's plan for me instead of letting Him do what He does. Not knowing mortifies me. It makes it harder to move forward. So I'm relinquishing the reigns.....they are doing me no good, because I have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
There are too many people involved at this point. Too many people depending on me. My children are watching to see what I'm going to do to get us out of this situation, but it is beyond my control. Apparently this is where the Lord wants us. So the best I can do for them is exercise faith. Show them how to completely rely on our Father in heaven. I thought I was doing a good job making it appear that everything was ok and that I believed the Lord would bring us out. I noticed however that everytime our Bishop calls me to her, she tells me to say, "God is real." I kept asking why she wants me to repeat that. I know He's real. I do....I know how He's kept my family and blessed us more times than I can count. So why does she make me repeat that? Then it dawned on me that maybe I've lost faith in the wilderness. So I figure I'd better go find the bush it fell under and keep it moving. I don't want to wander in the wilderness for 40 years when it should have only taken 2 weeks, lol. Ijs.
I don't want to die off so that my children can inherit the promised land. Oh boy! A revelation...it hasn't been a year since my moms death.......had no clue why He took her when He knew she was the only close family I had here in Indiana. Oh man.....well that just makes me feel worse, lol. Don't want my children wandering because of me. Sobering revelation.